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Am I a bad person for this?(11 Posts)
My mother is a narcissist, there is no doubt about that. The loving mother that I wished for - she was exactly that to my siblings. She chose to emotionally abuse me and make me the black sheep. I spent my entire childhood desperate for her approval. I was such an anxious, withdrawn and troubled child.
She completely destroyed my self worth and I believed for such a long time that I was worthless. Her manipulation tactic for attention was always inventing some illness. She is always deathly ill with something unless it doesnt suit her.
Today I am a much stronger person but there are times like right now where I feel back to square one. I have been for counselling, therapy etc.
She has from the start of covid, had a permanent sore throat. She has been for a few covid tests, checked herself into hospital etc and all back negative. Yet this is now what she is using for attention. I'm so sick of it.
The last time I contacted her she was in hospital, and she let me know how all my siblings have rushed to her side because they are so worried about her. A dig at me of course. The rage I feel at this. She took away my childhood with this nonsense.
I am still trying to cope with a loss of my child at late pregnancy recently.
I just want this woman to leave me alone. I know that me not contacting her when she is so 'ill' is going to come back at me, there will be some backlash.
And then there are still my siblings, they are all a little gang against me.
I just dont know how to cope with all this. Will I be forgiven for not caring about her? Am I a heartless bad person? Feeling so broken down right now
You arent a bad person.
Like you, my mother was a very different mother to me than she was to my siblings, who still dote on her.
I have went no contact with the lot of them.
Initially it was difficult, but years later my life is so much easier.
You have enough to cope with, and I am so sorry that you have been through such a tragic loss, you need to surround yourself with people who will help and support you, not drag you down
Thank you for replying. How did you initially cope with those feelings of first going no contact. Wrt siblings- I definitely know which side they pick but I don't know if they would say anything to me. It's her that I'm worrying over.
What I'm struggling with is someone who is ill yet I feel no compassion or even care for. And worse , that it is my mother.
In all honesty I did feel really guilty. She had pretty much groomed me to feel that way though.
Every time she sent messages through others I had to remind myself of all the shit she put me through. Then came the lies, she told everyone I was mentally ill and that's why I refused to talk to her, this reminded me exactly why i stopped talking to her.
I didn't go nc with my siblings outright, but because they were being messengers the relationship has drifted to nothing over the years.
I feel so much better within myself without her/them in my life.
She is pretty ill at the moment and I did have a little wobble, but I've made my peace with the fact that she is just an awful, abusive, manipulative woman, and her being on her deathbed won't make her change at all. I said goodbye to the mother I needed/wanted a long time ago. The person she is is little more than a memory to me.
I'm not going to tell you the first few months are easy, while you, and your family get used to the new normal, but you will feel stronger not having that negativity in your life.
Thank you. Everything that you have said makes sense and I know that Is what i need to do.
It's just the guilt that is getting me down. I keep thinking about the things she has done and said to me, so much damage and yet I feel like the bad person. So deeply twisted right.
I have an extremely supportive dh who is trying to help me through this.
If your dh is supportive that's a great start.
He could be a buffer between you and your family for a while so you can make the break without amy added stress.
Why would you show compassion and care for someone who has shown you none? Your lack of feeling towards her is her own doing.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Would you find therapy helpful? It could allow to to let go of the guilt
You are not a bad person at all, you should be free to enjoy your life without her negative influence. I would suggest keeping a note of some examples of her behaviour towards you as a reminder for yourself in future. You can then refer to this if other family members question your lack of contact or defend your mother's actions. I found it was easy to forget how awful my mum used to make me feel. My younger sister went no contact at the same time so that made it easier, I found some family members repeatedly questioned our decision and some believed what my mum said about us but it didn't take long for them to lose interest and get used to it. Good luck
Forgiven by whom? Your mother won't forgive you no matter what you do. The hardest thing is to realise you can't actually solve that problem and win her approval. It's not about you at all and you don't have control over it.
You have to forgive yourself and give yourself permission to live a happy life as the perfectly decent human being you undoubtedly are.
Can you go NC with your mum but also explain clearly to your siblings why you are doing so, would that help?
You are in no way a ‘bad’ person for feeling nothing towards a person who has hurt you so much. You don’t have to love or care about another adult, whatever their relationship to you. They have to earn it.
You are not a bad person.
I have a narcissist within my family and have had to go NC with all of them due to them believing every word she says and going along with it. It feels like a breath of fresh air, a weight off my shoulders. I don't miss them one bit. I'm a bit sad that I don't have a normal family but not glad that I don't have those people in my life.
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