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Long distance relationship - does it ever work?

(23 Posts)
BuggeredItUpAgain Fri 25-Sep-20 12:26:30

Partner lives 2.5 hours away. We both have kids at school so no chance of moving closer together in the foreseeable (his youngest will leave for uni in 4 years so that’s as soon as anything could happen).

I stay at his EOW at the moment then the alternate weeks he stays at mine Thursday-Saturday when he doesn’t have his kids.

I really, really like him and would love for us to have a future together. But I hate spending so much time apart. It’s daft really as my marriage was spent with exdh home only at weekends but we had at least spent many years living together normally before he started having to do that.

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RunningOnMusic Fri 25-Sep-20 13:31:58

Not in my experience. Sorry.

BuggeredItUpAgain Fri 25-Sep-20 13:40:21

Pffft. Thought so. His towns just gone into local lockdown so even less chance of seeing him now sad

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HollowTalk Fri 25-Sep-20 13:43:54

It's so hard. What happens if his child decides to go to the local uni, or not to go at all? If his child is still in that area, would he be prepared to move?

Does your ex regularly see your children? It sounds like it when you say you're at your boyfriend's EOW. If so then it's not fair to take them away from him, either.

Horrible situation!

Puddington Fri 25-Sep-20 13:50:21

All the lockdowns and so on have undoubtedly made LDRs even harder than before sad I'm currently in one (NI - Scotland) and the uncertainty of when we can see each other atm has definitely been very trying, because we think it's important to have specific dates to look forward to when you know you'll see each other. HOWEVER we are fortunate to be in a position where we know I can move there permanently in the next six months or so (we're buying a house and don't have blended families etc to consider so I recognise our situation is more straightforward than most). I do think LDRs can work but equally (for me personally, I know some people can do long-term long-distance) I think there needs to be something of an end point in sight when you know you'll be together. Good luck though OP, I would go through the difficulties of an LDR a thousand times over for this man because I know he is/we are worth it, but you have my sympathies for how tough it can be.

wishfuldreamer Fri 25-Sep-20 14:14:15

depends on the person and the sort of relationship they want, i think, and how you want to live your life - and i think the distance, too. i had a LDR across England (varied in the distance, but at the max was a 5 hour drive/3hr train) for a decade. It worked for me (less for him, i found out, when we split up), and what stopped it working wasn't necessarily the distance, though it was in part. What i found hard was the feeling of not living in either place - i was so often away at the weekend, or spending time with him at the weekend, that i didn't have time to build my friendships properly.

since we broke up, i started seeing someone else who doesn't live in the same city, but much closer. it's possible to pop over for an evening. that's the sort of distance i would prefer to limit it to - but I don't want to live with a partner, and am happy with seeing them a few days a week on average (sometimes i spend longer with him, especially now i'm WFH). but that's definitely not the sort of relationship that lots of people want, or can deal with long term.

BuggeredItUpAgain Fri 25-Sep-20 14:26:36

Ex sees kids EOW but takes alternates between staying at the granny flat at my house and taking them to his flat in the city (3 hours by trains). If I moved it wouldn’t change that relationship and would make us closer to where ex lives.

But I love my life here. I live by the sea, beautiful house, kids really happy at school and friends etc. I would possibly consider moving when dc1 is due to go to secondary (same time partners dc2 would be leaving for uni/ whatever). Partner has always wanted to move down here but obviously can’t while kids at home. We’ve spoken about his dc not going to uni and he said he’d still be happy to move down here then, his ex wife has a bigger house and an 18yo isn’t going to want to live between 2 houses.

But it’s easier said than done and 4 years is a bloody long way off. I’ve struggled with not seeing him for a couple of weeks and been so looking forward to this weekend but his area has just been out in lockdown so it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to go.

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GRIC14 Fri 25-Sep-20 14:58:22

Just typed a reply and lost it
Basically I've been in one for 4 yrs.. 45 min apart. Despite wanting the same things and being so compatible it's v v hard of one isn't as willing as the other.. Thats my prob and I'm knowing I have to end things due to this.. So sad I wish you luck

HollowTalk Fri 25-Sep-20 18:03:59

But 45 minutes apart isn't a long distance relationship, is it? A lot of people spend longer than that per day commuting.

BuggeredItUpAgain Fri 25-Sep-20 18:13:09

I don’t think a 45 minute distance would present much of an issue. You could still pop round in an evening if you fancied it.

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Iamclearlyamug Fri 25-Sep-20 19:03:17

Don’t see why not - I’ve been in an LDR for more than 4 years now and my fiancé is more than 2000 miles away. If you both want it enough you make it work 😊

N0ManJan Fri 25-Sep-20 19:09:34

Not the same situation as we didn’t have children but I was long distance with my partner for 3 years before I moved to him! Now we live together and have DS, so it can happen. Have you discussed who would move to who once you can?

Dontknowwhyidoit Fri 25-Sep-20 19:45:27

I had a long distance relationship for 3 years (3 hrs drive) before I moved me and my children to live with my now husband. We use to see each other for 1 or 2 nights every other weekend. We would take turns so once per month to each others and it was great. I had been in an abusive relationship before so wouldn't have entertained anyone who could just turn up and I wasn't looking for a serious relationship at first so it suited me and I took my time getting to really know him before I was ready to let him into our lives. It can work especially if your happy with your living situation before you met them as anything else is a bonus to me.

widespreadpanic Fri 25-Sep-20 19:46:25

LDRs can work but BOTH people have to be on the same page. I have been in one twice. Once when i was in college, which was tough and my BF ended up cheating on me as he couldn't handle the distance. Happened again when i was in my 40s with another BF and he ended up emotionally cheating. I was able to hang in there but my partners weren't able to deal with it.

I know many couples are in LDRs some of the are semi-permanent and others were temporary from a year to a few years but they all had plans to close the gap eventually.

pippiphooray1 Fri 25-Sep-20 23:04:51

my bf lives in the US - covid is being a cruel mistress....

I'd say that trust and understanding is very important. I hate all the 'if it's meant to be' shit, but it can work - if you're both onboard with it

corythatwas Sat 26-Sep-20 00:58:08

Dh and I lived in different countries for 10 years and only met twice a year- but we were young. More resilient. Looking forward to the future.

My db lives at a similar distance to you from his partner, they have been together for 15 years and not moved in together because of her children. It's worked well for them and they're happy. But then he works on a boat so he wouldn't be home every week anyway.

theoldtrout01876 Sat 26-Sep-20 01:02:28

we had 3000 miles between us and managed 2 years before he relocated to me. It was a very long 2 years but we have been married 18 years now

BuggeredItUpAgain Sat 26-Sep-20 08:22:54

That’s really reassuring to hear about occasions when it has worked.

dontknowwhyidoit that sounds really similar to our set up and my background too. When I split with exdh I was adamant that I wouldn’t ever live with anyone again so when this relationship started it suited me perfectly. But now we’re a bit further down the line and I just really miss him when we’re apart. It makes our time together more special though which is a real bonus.

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greysome Sat 26-Sep-20 09:16:15

I think it's very hard, especially when you don't have an imminent end date. I was in a LDR (2hr) in my early 20's for two years. We didn't have children between us but both worked a lot so seeing each other was hard beyond a couple of weekends a month. I think because I was young and very busy, and not used to living with a partner I managed with it pretty well.

More recently, when I met my current DP we had 3 months together before he had to go back to France. I knew from the off it was coming but developed strong feelings and found it very difficult in reality. He was away for 4 months and came to visit 3 times so we never went more than about 4 weeks apart.... but fuck it was really hard. Although we obviously hadn't lived together, being older I was used to living with a partner and being more involved and missed his presence considerably more. I knew it was only 4 months which kept me going, but I really don't think I could have done it long term. I guess it really depends on where you are in your life and what you want from a relationship.

JaffaCake70 Wed 30-Sep-20 20:29:24

I lived 90 min's drive from my ex, it was ok at first, we would see each other every other weekend for two nights. Any more than that was impossible due to family and work commitments. As time went on I realised that it just wasn't enough for me, and with no prospect of moving in together in the near future (again, due to family commitments) I decided to end it.

There were other factors that lead to my decision. He was a heavy drinker and was far too close to one of his ex's (they would go out drinking together etc). All of this just became too much when I factored in the distance and the amount of effort I was having to make.

Ultimately it was too much effort for too little reward on my part. I for one will never do long distance again.

ginandbearit Wed 30-Sep-20 20:36:59

I know a lot of navy wives who had real problems when their long distance husbands retired a or got shore posts AND WERE THERE ALL THE BLOODY TIME !😁😁😁

FingersXrossed Wed 30-Sep-20 20:52:18

I was in a LDR for 5 years with a man living on the other side of the planet, about as far away as it's possible to be. He immigrated here this year after we got married.

I'm also friends with a couple who did LDR between the UK and Asia, been married for years now and have a child.

It can work, it's difficult though.

that1970shouse Thu 01-Oct-20 03:06:44

We lived over 200 miles apart for several years so only had weekends and holidays together. No children involved, though, so that made it easier. It was sometimes hard but ultimately worth it.

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