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I miss him so much - when will it stop hurting?

(24 Posts)
FlyingSoloFlyingFree Thu 24-Sep-20 23:53:06

My OH dumped me with no explanation over lockdown and it has destroyed me. I don’t know why, I don’t understand it and he won’t talk to me. I’m trying so hard to put it behind me and move on but it’s just not working, I miss him all the time and everything reminds me of him. I cry every day and am really struggling to cope. I don’t know what to do any more - everyone just says time but it’s been months now and it’s not getting any easier, I can’t carry on like this 😢

OP’s posts: |
notawittyname1954 Fri 25-Sep-20 00:06:50

how long were you together?

Maze76 Fri 25-Sep-20 00:08:37

I’ve been where you are, I know the pain you are feeling. Suddenly bursting into tears, not eating, just feeling bereft. All you can do is take each day as it comes. I found counselling really helped me, and also keeping a journal. Do you have family/ friends who can offer support?

SuckingDownDarjeeling Fri 25-Sep-20 00:23:37

How many months has it been? You say he won't talk to you, so does that mean you've been trying to contact him?

If you have, you really really need to stop. That is the kindest advice I can give you. It will be hard but it's not just worth it, it's necessary. He's shown you he doesn't want to talk to you, and he won't change his mind just because he finds out you're sad.

Woundedadmiral Fri 25-Sep-20 00:37:00

What a difficult experience. I do think it lasts longer than you feel you have the reserves for. Grief is like that. However if you think you're becoming clinically depressed or really not coping I would forget how it started and treat it as a medical issue for the time being.

It hasn't really been that long. As painful as it is, you are putting distance between yourself and what happened, and you will start to see the fruits of that, just not perhaps as quickly as you need

Anyone who would do this to you without explanation is clearly not worth the grief and I hope that will bring freedom in time.

Bunnymumy Fri 25-Sep-20 01:03:00

You need to make your own closure.

1 . Write a letter with everything you want to say to him in it. And tell him goodbye. Then burn the letter.
2. Start making a point of your self care. So spend an extra five minutes on yourself here and there. Whether its doing a bit of make up or just in a bubble bath.
3. Every morning (bare with me this is gonna get cheesy) look in the mirror and tell yourself one thing you like about yourself. As if you wee complementing a friend.
4. This one isnt as easy atm die to lockdown but you could take up a new hobby... Hmm...maybe just binge a Netflix show that has an actor you fancy.
5. Start a diary. That way when you feel a certain way you can write it down and that will provide an outlet.
6. Cultivate a new look for a new you (any excuse for a makeover!).
7. Exercise (I suggest dancing about to ewallynlod music. and screaming the lyrics too of course). Eat better and try get a good sleep when possible.

Concentrate on doing these things.
If you want to feel better, you have to choose to. Not just wait for it to magically happen. It takes work not just time. It takes making your own closure and learning to just be happy in your own company again. So get to it! No excuses now. You've been moping for far too long!

Bunnymumy Fri 25-Sep-20 01:04:23

*to really loud music

widespreadpanic Fri 25-Sep-20 01:34:04

I have been there too. Unfortunately at the time it happened to me I was young and I didn’t know how to deal with breakups since it was my first love.

I know for me I have to stay busy doing anything that occupies my time. Hanging out with friends, immersing myself into a new hobby, reading, etc. Also I’m lucky to have friends that will listen to me whine and rant, even via email, until I notice it doesn’t hurt as much anymore and I’m able to move on. So grieve but don’t wallow for too long.

FlyingSoloFlyingFree Fri 25-Sep-20 06:25:01

Thank you, it’s been 3 months since we finally split although it was odd for weeks before - we were together for 18 months. I did try and contact him at first but I’ve given up now as there’s clearly no point. My friends and family have been great but they think I’m ok now - everyone’s got their own problems atm. I’m giving all the things suggested a go but it’s just so draining trying to keep going and it worries me how hard it’s hit me.

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2me2u2u2me Fri 25-Sep-20 06:39:29

I’ve been there too, when I was younger. I was with my boyfriend for six years, he had an affair and went off with my best friend and married her so that was doubly difficult, you definitely do get over it and I’m a believer in things happen for a reason, it just wasn’t right.

what I would say is don’t tell your family and friends that you are fine now, let them know that you’re still struggling so they can be there for you, even though we have problems we still want to be there for our loved ones.

Try and keep busy, and take advice from pps. Good luck

beachydreams Fri 25-Sep-20 07:00:26

Leaving over lockdown is a really cowardly thing to do because you were in a tough position as you had no way to get out and about and restart normal life. Think about counselling. It’s teally helped me in the past

Bunnymumy Fri 25-Sep-20 11:18:31

Its bound to knock anyone for six that though. I think you just have to know that it wasnt you. You didnt do anything wrong.

Because theres most something fundamentally missing in someone who can walk out on a relationship with that without even the basic courtesy of ending things.

I was cutting myself up about how to end things with a guy I'd been on a handful of dates with,a few weeks back. I didnt want to just ghost as that wouldnt have been a nice thing to do. Normal people consider other peoples feelings! Especially those they are supposed to have cared about the past months. If they have to end things, they be a grown up and do it. With tact and kindness.

I'm sure if you look back, you will see other areas where ne fundamentally showed a lack of basic human empathy. And a disregard for you and your feelings.

You are well rid of him op.
But be aware he may show up sometime down the line, asking to talk. Perhaps promising to tell you why he left. The truth is, he left because he felt like it. And he'll come back because he feels like it. Your feelings dont matter to him. It's all about him. When he comes knocking, hopefully you'll be able to tell him to jog on!

Bunnymumy Fri 25-Sep-20 11:20:50

*Because there's most definately something fundamentally missing in someone that can just walk out on a relationship like that.

anotherdisaster Fri 25-Sep-20 11:56:49

I'm so sorry. Something like this can be devastating, and with lockdown to cope with too that will have likely made things worse for you.
I wish I could say there was a magic cure but sadly its just time.
Eventually you will realise he's not a good person. He would have had the decency to give you an explanation and at least talk to you. Its cowardly.

Anordinarymum Fri 25-Sep-20 11:58:24

beachydreams

Leaving over lockdown is a really cowardly thing to do because you were in a tough position as you had no way to get out and about and restart normal life. Think about counselling. It’s teally helped me in the past

Agree. Lockdown has caused more problems than COVID bloody 19

FlyingSoloFlyingFree Fri 25-Sep-20 18:10:22

Thank you, it’s the not understanding that hurts so much - I’ve got no proper closure unless like @Bunnymumy says I try to find it myself. We were fine until lockdown and even in the first few weeks we stayed in touch (didn’t live together) but then he just went really strange, refused to see me even when we were allowed and eventually it ended. I’ve no idea what happened in that time and that’s maybe best but it’s so hard to move on without knowing why his feelings changed - just a few weeks before he was sending me romantic songs and telling me he loved me, we’d been so close for the time we were together and then just nothing 🙁

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Bunnymumy Fri 25-Sep-20 18:17:25

Sounds like maybe he went through a phase if love bombing you? And then when he thought you were smitten he lost interest. For some sickos it is all about the chase.

Make your own closure op (not find it, but make it). Make the decision that if he tries to come back there door will be closed to him. Make the decision to block him on everything. Make the decision that you've given him enough of your time and headspace. Don't be passive about it.

Aminuts23 Fri 25-Sep-20 18:52:10

OP this is very hard. I had a similar experience when I was suddenly dumped with no warning. We’d been very happy, then he got odd for a few weeks then it was over. It was really difficult just having no explanation at all. He said the usual things, it’s not you etc but it told me nothing. I just cut off all contact and tried to occupy myself with friends and family. Keep yourself busy, it does get better in time.
I got my explanation in the end when I found out about a year later that he’d met someone else while we were still together. It seemed obvious with hindsight. I didn’t react when I found out, I was well over him by then. But you might find this to be true in your case too. I’d bet that’s what’s happened

MikeUniformMike Fri 25-Sep-20 19:15:27

he’d met someone else while we were still together.
Probably this.

I miss him all the time and everything reminds me of him. I cry every day and am really struggling to cope.
You don't miss him, you miss who you think he is.
Cry your heart out if it helps, but in time you will get over it.
It's hard to even think straight at times, but keep yourself busy. Read a novel or go for a run, anything to take your mind off him.

Just dumping you with no explanation is the work of a coward. You deserve better.

FlyingSoloFlyingFree Fri 25-Sep-20 21:22:40

He is in every way a coward, I think I always knew it tbh. I do wonder if he met someone - not physically but I know a few of my old flames tried their luck over lockdown, quite likely the same happened to him.

It just feels so cruel the way he did it and the timing, as if this year wasn’t hard enough. He has no idea what he’s done to me and I doubt he’d care if he did.

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Newtothis5643 Fri 25-Sep-20 21:54:47

I’m really sorry to hear this! I can 100% relate. I had a thread on here too. Same thing happened, I was with a guy 18months - I thought it was all perfect and we were so lucky. Then out of the blue with no explanation and no trigger he left and put the key under the mat while I was out on a walk. Text to say he couldn’t do it. Left everything as if he’d died. We were trying for a baby. We were in a great place - apart from the horrible lockdown that everyone was dealing with and he also wouldn’t give me any explanation or reason. It was really cruel. It’s 3.5 months ago and I am still not over it. I have PTSD and struggle on a daily basis. Only I’ve got myself to more of a numb state where I go through the motions and don’t cry constantly anymore. I actually wrote him a letter and did email it to him only a few weeks ago. I know most people say write it but don’t send it but I felt very strongly about having my say and telling him what he had done to me. I never wanted him to a) say he didn’t know the impact it had on me b) say he didn’t know how much I loved him and c) think that I am a pushover that won’t voice her opinion.

I just want you to know that I completely understand the pain, the confusion and the devastation. If you ever need anything feel free to reach out. Even if it’s just to compare notes and to know you aren’t going crazy and that there are other people feeling the same pain. I know I’ve spent the last few months walking round feeling like everyone I see is happy and living their life and it’s just me who is in limbo and has a meaningless existence! But I know like everyone says it’s about working on yourself.
Keep going and take care xx

FlyingSoloFlyingFree Sat 26-Sep-20 07:44:49

I’m so sorry, how can people be so cruel? If it’s not working for them that’s sad but it’s their choice but to not explain that, to just leave you guessing is inexcusable.

I assume your guy never replied to the email? I would love to do that but I doubt it would have any effect - when I tried to say how I felt to him before he just called me controlling 🙄

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Newtothis5643 Sat 26-Sep-20 10:28:02

No he’s not replied.

Absolutely - I said in my letter, if he didn’t want me in his life that’s fine but there are ways and means of ending things and you don’t treat another human being like this. He also had a daughter who was with us (in my house I hasten to add) and he just took her away and that has left me in a mess because I genuinely saw her as part of my life forever. Because of the things he said and the ways he encouraged us having our own relationship. It’s just the oddest thing in the world!! The day before he was telling me to get a particular picture frame we’d seen, to put up some of the lovely pictures of the three of us, so absolutely no warning.

He drive past me the other day - and then 5 mins later drove past again - no idea what that was about, apart from maybe receipt of his letter?!?

Who knows - I don’t understand anything anymore! Xx

FlyingSoloFlyingFree Sat 26-Sep-20 15:52:27

That’s awful and so strange, you must feel like you’ll never trust anyone again, I know I do 🙁

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