Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Advice needed(44 Posts)
Hi I really need some advice. Has anyone been in the same situation as me ? I basically don't have a clue what this man is doing or thinking ,is he messing with my head or just scared .
So I have known this man in work for 3 years and I have always felt a connection towards him . I felt he felt the same too . We got on amazingly and we still do now . I would never admit my feelings for him until one day about 3 weeks ago he just came out with it . He said that he has strong feelings for me and he wishes he didn't because things are complicated . I said I had feelings for him too and we sat and talked about a few things . Everything was great . We have worked together nearly everyday and he has become pretty flirty with me . Touching me a lot and just playing around . It makes work fun .
We met up the other night and just went for a drive and talked for hours . I think we were both tempted to kiss but I was scared and I think he must of been too . We were talking yesterday and this is what has confused the hell out of me . We were taking about dtd . Both of us saying how we have wanted too for years and obviously it will happen sometime in the future . I would want to but I'm just so nervous and I can't put my finger on why . I'm scared it will ruin our friendship because he's like my best friend and I'm also scared once we do it he won't like me anymore . He came out with a what if we do it and I developed strong feelings for him or vice Versa because if that was to happen he would have to take a step back and it wouldn't be fair on me . He did text me when I got home after he said that and he apologised and said I know I sounded like a dick . But he wouldn't explain what he ment . Does anyone have any ideas please ? I'm tempted to just go back to just being friends .
That's what I just don't know . He won't say either 😭 x
Why did he say things are complicated? Because you work together? Because you or he are involved with someone else?
Neither of us are in relationships. I just don't get it when he said if either he or me developed strong feelings for each other when we do do it he would have to take a step back 😌
If he thinks he would have to ‘take a step back‘ if things got serious then I would put the brakes on now. He’s saying there’s no future.
That's what I thought too . Thankyou for your reply . I just thought I was thinking negatively. And there is a chance it could happen so I am not going to put myself through that x
So he has "strong feelings" for you but if you develop strong feelings for him after he's had his leg over he'll be fucking off out of it because it's too heavy? Yet another wanker in tin foil trying to be a knight in shining armour.
"Look John I won't be taking things any further. I know my own worth and I can't be arsed with someone who's putting flakiness on the table before we've even sat down. As you were".
Sounds like he just wants fun and casual sex rather than a serious relationship OP.
You’re worth more than that.
I wouldn’t get emotionally involved with this man. Sounds like you want different things.
Quite right OP. Don’t put yourself through someone else’s drama because that is what it is. You would be forever second guessing what he means and what he wants. That’s no way to live.
There are better men out there.
Its complicated because you work together....thats probably all that's about. I wouldn't get involved with someone from work because....well....it does gets complicated. Sounds like he wants to but wouldn't be able to follow through as you work together...he is making a good call tbh.
Sounds like he wants a FWB. I wouldn’t do it unless you think you can keep yourself from getting emotionally involved which would make it messy at work if things go sideways.
Don't go there OP. Not unless he explains what his 'would have to take a step back' comment was all about, and, IF his response is acceptable to you of course). I suspect he already has someone, or, is interested in someone, but, thinks he'll have NSA sex with you if you're up for it x
Arghhh I just don't know what to think today . I didn't hear off him at all yesterday until late but I was sleeping . We didn't see each other at work today either so I replied early in the morning and he has been texting me and phoning me all day . He sounds really stressed out with actually having feelings for me . Said we need to talk face to face and that he was dying to text me yesterday but didn't want to incase I thought he was coming on to strong and I would leg it . Another day and not any closer to finding out what the hell this man is thinking
He has basically told you he just wants to screw you. And that he intends to ghost afterwords.
He doesnt have feelings for you, I'm sorry. He just fancies you and wants to sleep with you. Maybe I his mind that is the same thing...because he is as shallow as an ice cube tray.
He let himself slip up by telling you exactly what he wanted from you. Now he is back to putting on the 'feelings' act. I'd also suggest googling 'live bombing' as he is giving you a dose of that too.
If he was genuine and wanted a gf, he wouldnt be worried about you wanting to pursue something longterm with him.
Do not sleep with him. Slow things down. See how he takes it. See if he tries to whip up the whirlwind again. Also, say no to him on things and see how he reacts. Test to see if he respects boundaries.
I agree with all the above posters. He’s hedging his bets. One day saying he has feelings for you but then saying that if things develop he would have to take a step back.
He’s providing himself with a get-out clause so if you then get emotionally involved and sleep with him he can say ‘But I told you from the beginning that if this happened I’d have to take a step back’....
Leaves you feeling shit. Leaves him feeling justified that he was ‘clear’ from the beginning....
Don’t waste your time on him. Seriously OP.
If he feels you are cooling towards him he will come on strong. If he feels you are getting attached and involved he will cool things.
He’s playing games. You don’t need this. Walk away quickly, spend time with friends (not him) and looking after yourself. I’d cut him out of my life because someone like this is always going to leave you not knowing what’s going on...
No matter what the context, It's best not to engage with people who talk about complicated circumstances they can't or won't explain.
I can't get over you talking about having sex with him when you hadn't even kissed him. What if he kissed like a wet fish?
He sounds like a waste of time to put it politely, or bluntly using tosser.
In the bin for him ➡️🗑
Until he tells you what the "complications" are I would steer clear. He is messing with your head already and you are not even in a relationship with him.
Exactly what @Apple222 said. He said that about you developing feelings so that just when things look like they are going towards a relationship he can turn round and say he warned you not to develop feelings for him and make you out to be 'clingy' and to have totally imagined he wanted more than a fling.
Everyone's nailed it and @AWiseWomanOnceSaidFu
This guy is laying the groundwork for sleeping with you but not committing to you emotionally and has prepared his get-out clause in advance.
The fact that you work together may be the complication but if so - why not just say that's the problem instead of dangling "it's complicated" before you and refusing to explain it? My DH and I met at work and I know many other couples who did so it's not an insurmountable obstacle if the motivation is there; you just have to trust that you can behave like adults and not act out your emotions at work.
But I don't think it's about work because surely he would just tell you. How certain are you that he actually is single? "It's complicated" suggests to me that there is someone else who stands to get hurt if you two get involved. Alternatively, he likes the idea of having sex without commitment and, by saying "it's complicated", he's conveying that you can't depend on him for anything.
IME, it's always a bad sign when you have to ask "why is he doing this?" about a BF, particularly so early on. The answer is almost invariably because he's not as into you as you would like him to be or he's into you but he isn't free to act on it. There may be details around that, but those are the bottom lines. This guy is playing games and will do your head in. You're worth so much more than this. Go back to being friends. Hold out for someone who is honest and straightforward.
I'd stick him to it right in the goolies by beating him to the punch: 'Look John I've been thinking and I feel this is (you are) a little bit too intense for me. Really I'm just looking for an easy, drama fee life and workplace. So I have to draw a line under this. I do hope you understand. Best of luck with whatever...'complications' you are dealing with.cya around'.
Please login first.