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My best friend has declared his feelings and I'm confused

(140 Posts)
wistfulchameleon Thu 24-Sep-20 09:59:01

Name changed for this.

I left my marriage of 13 years a few years ago now. The very first person I started to date (whom I met online) I fell for quite badly. Unfortunately my head wasn't in the right place to begin another serious relationship so I ended it. I never told him the extent of my feelings for him, I kept them to myself and we began a friendship instead.
Three years later he is my best friend. We have so much in common, talk daily, meet for lunch every week, he makes me laugh and I love every second of his company. I'd genuinely moved on from my romantic feelings towards him in to viewing him in a purely platonic way.

I've just ended a 7 month relationship because it didn't feel right, and about a week later my friend asked to see me urgently. He told me that he's in love with me and always has been. It completely threw me, and almost immediately I could feel my old romantic feelings towards him returning to the surface. We slept together that evening and it was amazing.

The issue is that I'm really not sure if I should proceed with this. I mean, I want to, very much. But I don't know if two friends can move beyond that point and begin a relationship without risking everything they have together. Would you throw caution to the wind and go for it, or would you keep your cool and attempt to salvage the friendship? He means a lot to me, he's probably the only person in the world I really trust and l don't want to lose him.

OP’s posts: |
LarryUnderwood Thu 24-Sep-20 10:03:22

I was friends with my DH for nearly 15 years before we got together. We had periods during that where he wanted more and I didnt, and vice versa. It was a timing thing. But ultimately being with your best friend romantically is amazing, the best thing that ever happened to me. Its all so personal, no one can tell you what to do. But when you know, you know, and fear of losing something shouldn't hold you back. If you don't reciprocate fully, that's the only thing that should stop you in my opinion. Good luck!

Iwantcreamcakesformydinner Thu 24-Sep-20 10:05:39

Go for it

Kiki275 Thu 24-Sep-20 10:07:05

Sounds like you've already moved past the friend stage. Not just him but you too. It can't ever go back to the safe zone you've had, even if you did put the brakes on. Totally understand why you're nervous but personally I'd go for it as it could be wonderful.

ShagMeRiggins Thu 24-Sep-20 10:10:16

This is the guy you fell hard for years ago, he’s your best friend, and the sex was amazing.

Congratulations. grin

BeccaE Thu 24-Sep-20 10:52:41

My husband and I were best friends for two years before we got together - 12 years later we’re still deliriously happy and expecting a baby.

It’s true that getting together will risk your friendship but if it works, and given how well you already know each other and get on it seems more likely to work than with someone new (though obviously there are no guarantees!), then it’s so so worth it.

Bunnymumy Thu 24-Sep-20 11:04:00

Well look, he isnt your friend. He is someone who is in love with you. According to him that has always bern the case.

So it's all or nothing.

iamtheoneandonlyyy Thu 24-Sep-20 11:05:17

Let yourself be happy

Gilda152 Thu 24-Sep-20 11:08:29

Yeh he's not just your friend he never was. You're already in a RL with him it's just that now sex is a part of it again. Go with it it's already happening.

giletrouge Thu 24-Sep-20 11:12:08

In the olden days people were friends, then fell in love, then had sex. It worked better in many ways because people already knew each other before the relationship bit. I think it sounds perfect OP.

BrieAndChilli Thu 24-Sep-20 11:17:05

You’ve already lost him as a friend by sleeping with him. If you decide not to have a relationship he will feel embarrassed, not good enough, angry etc etc and your friendship will be over anyway.
So what have you got to lose by giving it a go. It might be the best thing you ever did.
If you give it a go and it doesn’t work hopefully your existing relationship will mean you will be able to part as friends whereas if you don’t give it a go you will always wonder what if.

Hailtomyteeth Thu 24-Sep-20 11:18:57

What @ShagMe said.

WakingUp55643 Thu 24-Sep-20 11:22:11

Totally agree with @ShagMeRiggins Do it!!!! This is everything you want!!!

justasmalltownmum Thu 24-Sep-20 11:23:35

My husband was my BF before becoming my DH.

Iloveme30 Thu 24-Sep-20 11:27:13

Go for it ! With bells on x

Cheeseandwin5 Thu 24-Sep-20 11:30:25

I don't really think you have a choice now, in that you cant go back to being just good friends. You either start a relationship or you end the friendship. With these as the options, I think trying would be the best choice.
Funny enough and sort of linked- I was talking to a friend about whether once you saw someone a a friend you could see them as something more later on, she thought not.

AryaStarkWolf Thu 24-Sep-20 11:35:01

Yes go for it, obviously do, I think if you don't your friendship may suffer anyway so take the risk YOLO and all that :p

pinkyboots1 Thu 24-Sep-20 11:38:16

Go for it! I've been with my best friend now for 13 years and I'm so glad that we took the friendship further. It sounds like it was 'just meant to be' so don't fight it

raffle Thu 24-Sep-20 11:40:12

A male friend told me he was in love with me after years of being mates. I was furious! That’s no friend. I felt betrayed and broke off our friendship.

You are not feeling any of that! So why not give it a whirl?

wistfulchameleon Thu 24-Sep-20 11:41:10

The way things are now, we could go back. We had plenty of sex when we were dating a couple of years ago, and because neither of us wanted to walk away completely that's how we became friends. I like him as a person so much, he's very special to me.
Yes, I fancy him...he's gorgeous. I always did fancy him, but I'd shelved my feelings for him and just thought that we'd always be in each other's lives in a totally platonic way.
I'm scared to say 'okay, let's do this. Let's fall in love and be together as a couple' and if it doesn't work out I lose the one person on the planet that I actually like and respect!

OP’s posts: |
Toddlerteaplease Thu 24-Sep-20 11:41:23

Yep. Go for it.

Iknowwhatsgoodforme Thu 24-Sep-20 11:42:39

I’m jealous as hell. You lucky, lucky pair!

Please keep us updated op, this is so exciting!

yetmorecrap Thu 24-Sep-20 11:50:56

Really wish you well-

wistfulchameleon Thu 24-Sep-20 11:52:24


A male friend told me he was in love with me after years of being mates. I was furious! That’s no friend. I felt betrayed and broke off our friendship.

You are not feeling any of that! So why not give it a whirl?

I had the same thing happen with another male friend. I was gutted that he never really liked me as a person, he always had an ulterior motive, and that was the end of our friendship.

This time it doesn't feel like a betrayal at all. Because we have a history together where we were once romantically linked, because our friendship has always been quite flirty, because he's never made any secret of the fact that he loves me and finds me attractive (although I thought he loved me in a friend type way).

Wah, I'm in my 40s ffs. I feel like a lovestruck teenager again and it's scary as fuck.

OP’s posts: |
Itwasntme101 Thu 24-Sep-20 11:52:52

Sometimes OP it's better to regret doing something rather than regret not doing it

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