I want to leave but where to start

[midnightskies]

I want to split up with my partner of 9 years. We have 2 DC and a mortgage. He knows I have been considering this but don't think he has any idea how far down the road I now am. History of him cheating, narcissistic behaviours, general mind-fuckery and manipulation over the past 4 years. It's not unbearable (because my standards have been lowered so much!) but I just know I can't spend the rest of my life with him.
He doesn't get along with my family (since he cheated), friends (always judging them), doesn't appreciate me or even see me really. He puts me down in subtle and unsubtle ways. Makes me feel like a bad mother by questioning all my decisions (my children are happy and healthy). The only reason I have stayed this long is fear/confusion. I am scared my kids will favour him if he manipulates them and I would be so upset if they wanted to live with him not me- unlikely now because of their ages but when they are teens I feel like he will bribe them.
I just need to talk to someone about it all.
How do we decide about the house?
What if he doesn't agree to my suggestion of custody? (I would suggest 4 days and 3 days with 4 days with me, we both work shifts but mine are more flexible)
How do I even tell him? He's being relatively ok at the moment.
Will I be ok on my own with them?
Should I change my name by deed poll to the same surname as him and my DC for legal reasons? He is on the birth certs but we're not married.
I know what I want to do but feeling a bit overwhelmed if I'm honest. Any words of wisdom appreciated!

[midnightskies]

Anyone?

[Thingsdogetbetter]

I'm bumping this for you as no one can really answer your questions with any certainty.

I think the first thing to do is get legal advice and take one step at a time.

And breathe. You can't make plans with a lot of 'what ifs'. You need to take the first step (get legal advice about house), then the 2nd (tell him you are separating) and then go from there.

[Codexdivinchi]

You’ve just got to rip the plaster off and do it. I’ve been there. Mostly waiting for a big argument to be able to put it out there. In the end it was over something really petty but I’d had enough.

It felt like I was wearing a huge heavy coat and when he finally left I was able to take it off.

In my experience when you go armed with a plan they totally refute it because you’ve come armed to a fight.

Put it on the table that it’s over for you and see where the conversation goes.

Plan for if he is a complete dick, won’t move out, won’t accept custody arrangements, plan for the worst outcome.

Then you will have your starting point.

Figure out where you would go if he won’t leave

Can you support your self - would you need UC?

Check what your entitled to on a benefits calculator.

I like being a single parent. I don’t think I’d ever live with a man again. My reality is real.

I also read a book called ‘too good to leave too bad to stay’ and I knew I’d have a happier life with out him. I deserved to be happy. Once that was solidified in my head there was no going back.

Good luck

[midnightskies]

@Thingsdogetbetter thank you! I know, and he may well turn round in agreement that this is the best option but he also may well decide to make things difficult. I just want us to get along and parent our DC as best we can and feel that the only way to do that now is to not be a couple. He is a very good father to them.

[ilikemethewayiam]

Agree, first thing you need to do is get legal advice. Even if it’s just to get clarity on some of the practical issues. You may be seeing the worst possible scenario because of his manipulation. You can only prepare The best you can for the worst case scenario but hope for the best. Sorry I’m not of much help but there are many many women on here that have been down this route and will have way better advice than me. Good luck OP.

[midnightskies]

Thanks all. I'll definitely have a look at the book @Codexdivinchi
I think financially I will be ok, not flush and will have to change some spending habits but certainly ok. I either want to sell the house and split the equity or him buy me out if he wants to, as the house needs a lot of maintenance (not a palace, just v old!) that I feel would be too much for me on my own.

I have hope that having my own house and some freedom will be worth the difficulties in separating.

[midnightskies]

I told him last night. I said I don't think I see a future for us as a couple, listed reasons and was very kind about it. He got really upset, crying and apologetic. He wants to work on things, make more of an effort etc.
We have been here before though, and it didn't last. Now I am feeling confused and not sure whether to give it another chance when really I don't have much evidence to back the claims of change up.
Just wondered, as if you are reading this thread then you may know, do Relate do counselling for individuals about things like this, or is it just couples? I think I need to talk it through with someone impartial before I decide.

[ilikemethewayiam]

Hi OP, relate do prefer to work with couples but when I was going through it, they did see me and him separately for some of the sessions. I believe you need to book it at a couple but it was a long time ago so could have changed.

I gave my ex DH so many extra chances and of course his efforts didn’t last. You need to consider his essential personality and character. Is he capable of changing? I know mine wasn’t. I went through counselling just to satisfy myself I’d done all i could but I knew he couldn’t change who he was. If your DH changed some of his behaviours would you still like his personality?

[midnightskies]

He has already said he doesn't want to go and I can't be bothered to argue about that. I might seek my own counselling, it has helped me in the past like when he had an affair.

I feel wracked with guilt today, he says his heart is breaking and did appear genuinely upset. He is at work tonight so a bit of space from each other but we have agreed to talk again tomorrow.

In answer to your questions @ilikemethewayiam I'm not sure if he is able to change. If I could have the "old him" back then I would like his personality, but so much has happened between us I don't know if I can really move on from it all if I were with him. I don't know whether the old him was actually the act to get me to fall for him in the first place or whether he was genuinely like that, and this new version is a product of circumstances. Not sure if it even makes sense what I'm saying! Had virtually no sleep last night because he wanted to talk about it and woke me up at 3am because he couldn't sleep and wanted reassurance, which I obviously couldn't really provide.

[thebeachismyhappyplace2]

OP - if you are on Instagram or Facebook, Follow ‘your divorce coach’ - she is amazing.
She’s based in St Albans and you can arrange sessions either in person or on Zoom. She will give you all the professional advice you need