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Date night? Am I asking too much?

(12 Posts)
wannabemumma88 Wed 23-Sep-20 21:25:32

The husband has always been notoriously bad at planning or even thinking about dates, even years ago when we first started getting together he didn't wine and dine me, we used to sit at my house watching movies and I suggested the first dinner out.

I am a planner and love organising however over the years I've expressed on many many occasions that I would appreciate if once in a while he'd organise something and take me on a date. You can imagine my disappointment when before we went on our honeymoon I asked if he could organise something for a nice date (whilst I planned and organised our whole wedding) and the date never happened and I had to organise and book everything.

This year isn't the best let's be honest and I've been stuck at home since March working to unachievable targets, in an unachievable sales job, on a large salary cut that's at least for a year, working for a very results expectant boss and have felt the stress to say the least; I've been stuck at home all day and night, with no money to do anything, plan anything, go anywhere but not once this year even amongst the beautiful weather we've had has the husband suggested or planned a walk, picnic, dinner etc or wanted to do anything. He finds time for golf, games consoles, beers and dinners friends but I just feel very left behind and as if I don't really matter.

Today I decided to talk to him about it again and said i have expressed many times that every now and then it would be nice if he could "date" me. I don't want diamonds or handbags (as nice as they'd be ) but I just want to feel a bit valued, special or worth something from time to time, especially when I'm feeling so crappy. Low and behold he has got defensive saying he's working hard to pay for our house (we split everything down the middle).

He does work hard but he also has a lot of free time too that he spends doing the things he wants whilst I'm a hermit stuck at home.

FYI - I have dated him and always will, this year I've been limited due to money but I've still made bbqs for when he gets home, or cooked dinner to take out for a picnic, taken him out for breakfast etc - I don't expect it to always be one way.

What is everyone's thoughts and feelings on being dated by your husbands/partners/wives etc, am I being to selfish for wanting this or does he need to pull his finger out?

OP’s posts: |
FastAndCurious Wed 23-Sep-20 21:31:10

This is one of the reasons I separated from my husband earlier this year.

I just felt like a mum, not a wife and like no matter how many times I spoke to him about it he couldn’t be arsed to put any effort in. Not once in 14 years did he plan to take me out.

HollowTalk Wed 23-Sep-20 21:31:59

Do you think you're a good match overall? Are you happy with him?

When he does things with friends, does he get involved in the organisation?

It is really tiring being the only person planning anything in a relationship. I feel for you.

edwinbear Wed 23-Sep-20 21:35:46

He’s a lazy, selfish, arse is my opinion.

wannabemumma88 Wed 23-Sep-20 21:36:39

@HollowTalk aside from the lack of dates, he's affectionate and loving (example, I get bad migraines so he'll be at hand with all that I need along with a head massage). We love each other so much but I'd like to think I was worth a bit more effort at times, it's too complacent.

OP’s posts: |
bringon2020 Wed 23-Sep-20 21:38:39

Looks like he doesn't care if you're happy or not

wannabemumma88 Wed 23-Sep-20 21:39:34

@FastAndCurious I'm really sorry to hear that. Amazing that you are so true to yourself, it's not always easy. Sending you lots of love and lots of future dates to enjoy!

OP’s posts: |
FastAndCurious Wed 23-Sep-20 21:42:22

@wannabemumma88 thank you! I’m happier than I’ve been for years; there were many other issues in the marriage of course but I did feel so unimportant to him.

I hope you manage to figure it out together and you get your date night x

LilyLongJohn Wed 23-Sep-20 21:52:13

I can completely understand why you might feel unappreciated and left behind. Seems he can sort his golf out, and of course I'm sure he manages to arrange meetings etc, so there's really no excuse for him not to take a little time and effort and do the same for you. Sounds like he taking you for granted.

widespreadpanic Thu 24-Sep-20 00:12:50

He was like this before you married him and unfortunately they rarely change after marriage. Seems like he prioritizes his happiness (ie hanging out with friends) over you. I would be unhappy in that situation as well. You should talk to him one more time and give yourself a timeline for him to change and if he doesn’t you should leave. Cause then he’s most certainly doesn’t give a darn about your happiness.

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC Thu 24-Sep-20 00:23:03

You're basically asking him to be more like you.

Which, I mean you can ask him, and maybe he will try, but it's really really unlikely that he is going to turn into a planner. It will never come naturally to him and he probably will resent, over time, that you reject his offers of love and berate him for not being more like you.

I'm not saying he's right to do that, I'm just pointing out how these things usually go.

I just want to feel a bit valued, special or worth something from time to time, especially when I'm feeling so crappy. - you say this, but you do also say this: he's affectionate and loving (example, I get bad migraines so he'll be at hand with all that I need along with a head massage).

I assume you've heard of love languages? If you haven't, it would be good to google that. He sounds like an "acts of service" person, which can translate to a lot of small acts of service over time that for him would add up to a very strong show of love for you. Whereas you sound like someone who wants the "quality time" stuff, because that's actually your area of strength.

I guess it boils down to your answers to these questions:
Are you willing to take your partner on as a sort of renovation project, where you slowly force him to turn into the person you'd prefer him to be?
To what extent can you learn a different love language, so that you can receive his acts of love in the spirit that he intends them?
Are you 100% confident that the difference in love language = he doesn't value you?

HappyInL0nd0n Thu 24-Sep-20 00:25:30

WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

You're basically asking him to be more like you.

Which, I mean you can ask him, and maybe he will try, but it's really really unlikely that he is going to turn into a planner. It will never come naturally to him and he probably will resent, over time, that you reject his offers of love and berate him for not being more like you.

I'm not saying he's right to do that, I'm just pointing out how these things usually go.

I just want to feel a bit valued, special or worth something from time to time, especially when I'm feeling so crappy. - you say this, but you do also say this: he's affectionate and loving (example, I get bad migraines so he'll be at hand with all that I need along with a head massage).

I assume you've heard of love languages? If you haven't, it would be good to google that. He sounds like an "acts of service" person, which can translate to a lot of small acts of service over time that for him would add up to a very strong show of love for you. Whereas you sound like someone who wants the "quality time" stuff, because that's actually your area of strength.

I guess it boils down to your answers to these questions:
Are you willing to take your partner on as a sort of renovation project, where you slowly force him to turn into the person you'd prefer him to be?
To what extent can you learn a different love language, so that you can receive his acts of love in the spirit that he intends them?
Are you 100% confident that the difference in love language = he doesn't value you?


This is brilliant advice, if you're in a place where you can hear it.

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