So abit of background info -
DH and I have been together 9 years. Married for over 3.
1 DS who's 21 months.
I think I'm being mentally/emotionally abused but I'm not sure he really knows he's doing it.
I've never been able to talk to him. He sees anything I say as criticism and jumps straight into defensive mode. Since the day we moved in together, 7 years ago, I really noticed his personality. He'd go days with not talking to me just because I asked him to stop overloading the washing machine cos it could break. I've always called it 'scaring me Into silence'.
He would put me so on edge by not talking to me for days, and then suddenly one day, he would start talking again and act like nothings happened. The first few times I did bring the original argument up again because I realised we hadn't actually ever come to an agreement or compromise, he would flip out. So I soon learnt to just be grateful he was talking to me again and not to bring it up. This means that in my head, never once have we ever had an argument or general difference of opinion that's been discussed or compromised on. I've got years and years of anger build up in me where I feel like I've never been listened too or my opinion taken into consideration.
I'm pretty certain his dad is a narcissist. He holds every single characteristic. Over the years, DH has turned more and more into his father and is showing the same signs of narcissism. Even just the way my DH speaks, his voice, he's rude, strict, bossy.
I know my DH is depressed. Because of his dad, he has never felt good enough. He had a massive argument with his sister (which was his sister's fault as it was me she was horribly rude too) but his parents took her side. We still talk to them like nothings happened but his mum and dad see my DH as a pain in the arse and I know he senses that.
He's never happy in any job his had. Has switched jobs so many times and since having our DS, his attitude/behaviour has got considerably worse.
I hate the way he talks to me in front of our son.
My family are the most mellow people, they've witnessed him speak to me inappropriately but never some of the most horrible times. It's my word against his.
He's obsessed with the idea that it's me that talks to him so badly.
Last night he went off on one again and it was a prime example of me listening to him and consciously reminding myself that I didn't do anything wrong because like always, the next day I find myself playing the situation down.
He's never been physical. He has called me names before but not very often. Only when he's really lost it at me at times.
I've started trying to voice record moments but I'm never quick enough. Last night was a perfect example but it was over in a minute.
I think I want to leave. I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. But I'm conscious of his depression. He has also just been made redundant. He's threatened suicide which I've now called the doctor about but I'm certain it's all a call for help.
I'm so worried me leaving him will tip him over the edge.
My son has also been keeping me here. The last thing I ever wanted was a broken family. Having to miss out on every other Chrismas morning with my son.
He's a good dad when he wants to be but he has also been incredibly selfish since DS was born. He never helps with the nights, even now, even when he wasn't working during lockdown. Chooses the gym over us. Etc etc. (Too many examples to go into)
Sex is non existent. I don't fancy him anymore cos all I see is a bully. He also became obsessed with it and started buying me sleazy cheap outfits of the internet and wanted me to wear one everytime. He also gets nasty when I say I don't want sex. Turns on the silent mode again. Storms out the house.
There's alot more too it. Alot of nasty conversations that I've not mentioned. He ssshhhh's me alot.
There's too much to go into. I arranged marriage counseling which he didn't agree to at first but then did and now we can't afford it cos of his redundancy.
I don't think he will ever change but I'm so scared of being the one that makes the mistake of leaving.
I'm so frightened that, what if it is me that's caused him to be this way. Maybe I'm just a sucker for drama and self sabotage.
Sorry for the rambling. There's just so much running through my head. From what I've told people about things he's said to me, they've agreed it's abuse but I'm so scared.
I don't know what to do. I feel stuck. We have a flat mortgaged which we were in the process of selling to buy a house (lockdown happened) then we got a buyer but the chain has fallen through. The plan was to move back to my mum's for a few months to keep the chain down which is what I want to do but I don't know how to make it work of we still haven't sold the flat. How much longer can I stay here for?
My head's a mess
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Relationships
To Leave or not to Leave (is it abuse)
15 replies
MagicalCreatures · 23/09/2020 11:21
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