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Odd sense of home - anyone else constantly moving in their relationship?

(14 Posts)
BetterBeHomeByMidnight Wed 23-Sep-20 09:31:29

Sorry for long title. Just back from accompanying DP on work trip 3 hours away. Stayed in an Air BnB. Later today we are going to the opposite end of the country to his house in Scotland. We will stop en route to see his DS for a couple of nights. This will involve staying in a hotel to break up the journey. It's also his birthday along the way, will have to make that special somehow. The journey may also involve a camper van.

I feel worn out! I only work PT and it's online, so take my laptop and get stuff done. The rest of the time, I'm with him or just by myself. It can get a bit lonely.

Back at 'home': at the moment we are living in my house. Sometimes we live at his. This is a houseboat, or he has a flat which he rents out. We stay there if it's free.

I'm finding it exhausting. Not sure how to manage it, though. My DCs don't want him to live with me. Given how chaotic his living arrangements are, I'm not sure that I want to live together, either.

I'm constantly living out of a suitcase. It can be fun, but I am wiped. He suggests we eat out ALL the time, so wherever we are, the fridges are sparse. I love cooking, but I can only make so many plans.

How to manage this? Does anyone else have a partner with a weird concept of 'home'?

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Bunnymumy Wed 23-Sep-20 09:55:22

I think this is quite a fundamental mismatch op. He likes his freedoms, the open road and the adventure. You like the confirmation of home and find his adventuring exhausting. One of you will have to compromise forever if this relationship continues.

Also, you say he always wants to eat out...does he have form for spending money like water? And do you get the sense that his freedom loving personality may also include commitment issues?

I think your kids are right, absolutely dont move him in.

And longterm, this may not be the one for you.
Its important a partner lives life at a similar pace to you. Otherwise you'll end up miserable.

You talk about all the things you are doing for him. Yet he cant even compromise on say...eating in for a change? Why is it all about you meeting his needs? It isnt healthy.

Bunnymumy Wed 23-Sep-20 09:57:39

And it isn't about his sense of home op. Its just about what he wants. It it seems to me that what he wants is to do whatever he wants, iregardless of what you want. And drag you along for the ride.
That isn't a partnership.

CaptainInsensible Wed 23-Sep-20 10:02:20

Why don’t your kids want him to live with you? How old are they?

BetterBeHomeByMidnight Wed 23-Sep-20 10:04:28

Thank you, Bunnymumy

A lot to think about there.

I wouldn't say that I like the confirmation of home only and I enjoy the adventure, but it is exhausting at the moment. Yes, I wonder if there will have to be some compromise... maybe what we have at the moment IS that compromise. He doesn't have a problem staying at mine, and seems to enjoy that stability when we do it.

Eating out - yes, he spends a lot of money on this, but he does earn a lot.

And do you get the sense that his freedom loving personality may also include commitment issues?

Weirdly, no! I thought the same as you, at first - this will be a fun thing for a few months. But he is a committed and loyal person. He has asked about us buying a house together, on several occasions, talks about our future together. It's obviously a discussion that needs to be had. I don't know how he will continue to live on his boat when he's older.

Maybe I didn't communicate it properly. If I suggest staying at mine, he is happy to. He doesn't mind - in fact loves it - when I cook for him, if I suggest eating in. It's that his style doesn't lend to that, naturally. Hmm maybe I should suggest it a bit more.

He has always been happy to go along with my stuff - when I was working in the office, if I took work trips like his, he was happy to come along with me and will come to my family things. I don't feel dragged along, I go by choice. It's more that there is so much movement...

Thank you! Your posts gave me food for thought...

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BetterBeHomeByMidnight Wed 23-Sep-20 10:05:26

CaptainInsensible

Why don’t your kids want him to live with you? How old are they?

One of my DCs doesn't mind, the younger one says he feels awkward seeing both me and his father with our new partners. Children are teens.

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Bunnymumy Wed 23-Sep-20 10:22:20

It that case I'd maybe just tell him you feel a bit overstretched with the galavanting atm and ask if after this trip, you guys can just chill at home for a bit. Get into the habit of telling him your needs. It sounds like he will respect them.

BetterBeHomeByMidnight Wed 23-Sep-20 10:24:16

Yes, that’s true. Might also ask him if we can do less moving around. I’m sure he would comply - although the bigger picture still features a lot of movement for work, etc.

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Zaphodsotherhead Wed 23-Sep-20 11:33:47

How did he grow up? Was one of his parents military/moving every few years?

My XH grew up as an RAF child. In consequence he literally couldn't settle down in any one place for more than a couple of years. He'd change jobs or move furniture around if he couldn't move house. It got very wearing. Once the kids were settled in a decent school, I refused to go along with his plans to move again to the other end of the country, so he went alone and we separated.

It was his upbringing.

Livandme Wed 23-Sep-20 11:46:04

Why are you feeling it necessary to accompany him on these trips? Where are your children?

BetterBeHomeByMidnight Wed 23-Sep-20 15:54:56

Livandme

Why are you feeling it necessary to accompany him on these trips? Where are your children?

I don't find it necessary. I've just gone when he's had a run of days, and when I've not had stuff on myself. My DCs are with their father or away at school. Most weeks when its 1 or 2 nights, he's gone away alone. But my point is that he has 3/4 different homes and is itinerant.

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BetterBeHomeByMidnight Wed 23-Sep-20 15:57:20

Zaphodsotherhead

How did he grow up? Was one of his parents military/moving every few years?

My XH grew up as an RAF child. In consequence he literally couldn't settle down in any one place for more than a couple of years. He'd change jobs or move furniture around if he couldn't move house. It got very wearing. Once the kids were settled in a decent school, I refused to go along with his plans to move again to the other end of the country, so he went alone and we separated.

It was his upbringing.

You would think so, wouldn't you? It was actually the opposite - he stayed with his mother for many years as his father died when he was a baby. Went to university in the same place where he grew up, then got his first jobs there... Maybe that provoked the moving around, to some extent.

The odd thing is that it's more about shifting homes, rather than shifting places, although there is a bit of that, too.

Poor you - sounds hard work, no wonder you chose to stay...Thanks for sharing.

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movingonup20 Wed 23-Sep-20 16:51:56

I would love this. It was meant to be the year of me accompanying dp but covid wrecked plans. The trick is to make time for each other wherever you are

BetterBeHomeByMidnight Wed 23-Sep-20 17:09:13

Thanks, @movingonup20

Part of me does enjoy it! It has been so nice during these covid months, just staying on the boat, or in his remote house. We spend a LOT of time together, which is what makes me think the relationship itself is solid. It's just a bit weird to be on the move so much! Maybe I just need to accept it for what it is, and the future will sort itself out, somehow.

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