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Am I going crazy?

(36 Posts)
Ting20161987 Wed 23-Sep-20 08:08:43

I need some perspective on something. I don't know if I am genuinely doing something wrong or my husband is being a dick.
I feel like anything I say is twisted, made out to be naggy or said in a way it's not meant. It is really starting to frustrate me and it's getting more and more. It's happened every single day this week. I have told him each time I don't like it when he does it.
For example I am up every single morning with our child, in the last 8 months I could count on one hand how many times he has got up and allowed me to lie in. I asked at the weekend he got up, lo and behold yet again he didn't. I am up 4 times a night to our child and the one to get up every morning, I am exhausted. I text him that morning as he always lies in until late and I needed to go out that he would be getting up every morning next week as I am exhausted. When I saw him spoke to him as normal, told him this would be the case, I was called naggy and given silent treatment for the whole day, made to feel I had done something wrong.
Another example, I prepared dinner while he was putting little one to bed, chopped all the meat and veg, I then went up to read a story he sorted food. He served up and I ate but there was no meat, I asked if he had put the meat in and he bit my head off, he said i am never satisfied always nagging. I said it in a genuine normal tone, non critical a genuine question. Another example I fell asleep one night, not early and he starts groping me, I say no and bat his hand away. He asks why are you always tired, I said because I am up through the night and up early. He said I got up for you this morning (the first time in months), I said I know but I couldn't get back to sleep, he huffed and puffed that I am being fing moany again. Yet again I said it perfectly calm in non aggressive tone just a normal tone. For content I could have moaned, he may have got up but he allowed my child to climb all over me and jump up and down on me for 10 min, and of course I did not give him a medal for getting up to our child, so he is pissed about that.
These are just a few examples and they sound pathetic when I write it down but I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I cant say anything/ ask anything without being accused of being naggy or critical. Even if I do criticize for something he has/hasn't done, which is rare, he strops off like a little child, is this normal?.
Is it me, am I being naggy? I feel like I am going utterly crazy and I am doing something I am not intending on doing?
I don't want to live like this. Its unbearable worrying that everything you say is wrong

OP’s posts: |
Costacoffeeplease Wed 23-Sep-20 08:10:58

He sounds like a prize arsehole. What are his good points?

MikeUniformMike Wed 23-Sep-20 08:20:04

How old is your DC?

dudsville Wed 23-Sep-20 08:22:38

He sounds awful. I'm so disheartened by the number of threads on here like this about men who wilfully watch their partners suffer extreme exhaustion. This is not what love looks and feels like.

Mintjulia Wed 23-Sep-20 08:23:12

He sounds like a complete arsehole. Can you organise a night away one weekend and leave him with dc. You need sleep.

Tink20161984 Wed 23-Sep-20 08:35:59

My child has just turned 4. His good points. He is a good dad and they have a great bond but even my child notices I am the one to get up each morning and not him.
I love him and we do have good fun most of the time but he is hard work. He suffers with health anxiety too which I have posted about before and it is incredibly draining. This makes him incredibly selfish and wrapped up in himself all the time.
I just feel like I am tiptoeing around all the time, saying things wrong all the time when I dont mean to and I am starting to think maybe it is me?!

MikeUniformMike Wed 23-Sep-20 08:39:05

@Tink20161984, are you the OP?

beachydreams Wed 23-Sep-20 08:40:16

He’s an absolute selfish prick. No you’re not crazy or a nag. You don’t have to live like this you know.

pog100 Wed 23-Sep-20 08:41:11

For God's sake OP, why are you with him? Relationships are supposed to make your life better! It's as simple as that, he is actively making your life harder, you need to split.

iluvgab Wed 23-Sep-20 08:55:42

He is a good dad and they have a great bond but even my child notices I am the one to get up each morning and not him.

He's not a good dad if he won't get up for his child and if he constantly criticizes his child's mother and does fuck all.

Does he work? Why isn't he getting up?

AnnaFour Wed 23-Sep-20 08:56:46

Jesus this is appalling. He’s horribly selfish and is grinding you down to nothing with his behaviour which is even say was abusive. Forcing you into the position where you do so much and he does so little and then turning it around on you and making you question if you’re wrong is abusive OP.

It’s funny you know, every single thread like this always says a variation of ‘but he’s a good dad.’ Why? Why is he a good dad? Does he take full equal responsibility for his child? Does he ensure he shares the load so you’re a parenting team? What is your bar for being a good dad? That he doesn’t overtly abuse your child? That he sometimes gives your child a cuddle or plays with them? Because he loves his child? Well, most people love their kids - doesn’t make them automatically a good parent.

mytimeonline Wed 23-Sep-20 08:57:20

Parenting is hard work as it is at times
Along with a stroppy partner I have no idea how you tolerate it
He needs to take over while you take a holiday and realise his responsibilities.
Is he of a mind set women do the parenting & do not communicate what they need.
working together is a relationship not manipulating you being stroppy nor is feeling crazy ok.
Hope things change for you.
Put your foot down and your a more than a mum

Ting20161987 Wed 23-Sep-20 09:04:57

I suppose I have never known any different, I have been with him since I was very young. The HA started a year or two into the relationship and has been non stop. I may get 2-4 months a year off it if I am lucky.
I was happy to get up with my child when I was on mat leave but I have been back since my child was young. I am WFH and during lockdown I did all the chilldcare while trying to work in a high pressure role, fulltime. He locked himself in the home office and worked.
I have come to the realization that he sees the "womans" role as the mother only and should do all the "work".
I am the main earner have a high pressured job yet he sees his job as more important and superior.

I am starting to feel I am in the wrong, and I am not doing good enough and shouldn't moan. Any disagreement is my fault and I find myself apologising all the time. I don't claim to be perfect as I am not. I will stand up for myself and fight back if I feel he is being out of order as I won't be pushed around but I will always admit if I am in the wrong and apologise. But, I am always the one to be in the wrong, try to make it up and be giving silent treatment for the day. Then the next day, he says he doesn't want to argue, hugs me and kissed me. I explain I don't either but I don't like how he twists what I say and he somehow turns it back round to me, even if he clearly is out of order?!. I honestly don't know how he does and I end up apologising?!
Its honestly confusing me

OP’s posts: |
Ting20161987 Wed 23-Sep-20 09:10:49

Oh, and his reasons for not getting up in the morning is he is terrible in the morning and he will be grumpy all day. Which makes my life 10 times harder dealing with a grump all day so it is easier to get up myself

OP’s posts: |
SecondStageIgnition Wed 23-Sep-20 09:21:02

My husband did this (interpreting speaking as nagging) when he was having an affair. I, too, felt like I was walking on eggshells. In retrospect it makes sense to me. He had to cast me in the role of nagging shrew to mitigate the guilt he was feeling.

Is this a possibility in your case?

Ting20161987 Wed 23-Sep-20 09:31:49

No to the affair. I did question last year if there was someone else but this year we have been together permanently due to lockdown, if he was it would be emotional. He is on his phone a lot but he says its twitter and football. I haven't checked and I don't want to as it crosses a line.
However casting me as the role of the nagging wife it would make sense?!
He does when we watch dramas on TV where someone cheats tells me never to do it to him and he wouldn't as he has too much to lose

OP’s posts: |
AnnaFour Wed 23-Sep-20 09:41:39

I am starting to feel I am in the wrong, and I am not doing good enough and shouldn't moan

You need to unpick this thinking. You work full time in a pressured job, are the main breadwinner and do almost all of the childcare. On barely any sleep. What more could you be doing?? What would ‘good enough’ be on top of everything else you already do?

Bunnymumy Wed 23-Sep-20 09:42:40

Giving someone the silent treatment in order to 'punish', accusing someone of nagging/being crazy ect, only doing something if it's to get something in return, losing their rag at any 'percieved' criticism, being utterly selfish and making their partner feel like they are spending their life walking on egg shells - does this sound like a normal person to you? Let alone a loving partner?

He isnt a good dad either. He treats his childs mother like shit. He is an awful rolemodel. Get yourself and your wee boy out of there asap. And never look back!

AnnaFour Wed 23-Sep-20 09:44:41

Oh, and his reasons for not getting up in the morning is he is terrible in the morning and he will be grumpy all day.

But he’s perfectly fine for you to have broken sleep and suffer exhaustion. It’s all about him isn’t it? How can you be with someone who doesn’t even think you’re worth getting adequate rest?

Bunnymumy Wed 23-Sep-20 09:45:43

*constantly accusing someone of nagging/being crazy

Oh and btw this is how abusers get you to stop questioning them. It is also, gaslighting.

MikeUniformMike Wed 23-Sep-20 10:01:35

He has ground you down. You are not pathetic.

Get legal advice and kick him out. He is a bully.

Sssloou Wed 23-Sep-20 10:10:37

www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#codependence

Have a look at the 3rd and 4th sections on this list of 64 emotionally abusive behaviours - you only need one.

He is exploiting and manipulating you.

He is not a good father. A good father’s first priority is to be an equal partner in the parenting partnership - so that your DC has two attuned, balanced, rested, positive and motivated parents.

Your DH is not kind of respect of you. He doesn’t punch you or rage at you - but he emotionally gaslights and exploits you.

Your DC has a deadbeat disconnected Dad and an exhausted, beaten down preoccupied Mum.

You life would be logistically and emotionally easier without this man and you would then be able to restore your emotional self so that at least your DC had one balanced, rested, attentive parent.

Currently the imbalance, negativity, contempt and resentment between you is been sensed, absorbed and internalised by your DC and they will be confused and afraid and will develop anxiety or acting out behaviours. You both deserve better than this.

The fact that you have been in this RS from v young is telling and that issues were there from the early days. What was you childhood like that allowed you to tolerate such poor support and imbalance?

Arrowcat Wed 23-Sep-20 12:12:13

Honestly?
You do sound nagging in the way you are conveying your unhappiness. However what you are saying isn't.
Why is your 4 year old still up 4 times a night? Is there anything you can do to make this easier / improve it?
I totally get the lie in - I wake up so easily I just let my partner sleep in as a treat - however he then takes the kids for 2-3 hours in the afternoon to give me a break. It doesn't sound like you are getting this.
Echo previous suggestions of air b&b for a few nights, also booking activities for him to take LO to exclusively. Eg swimming etc. It's then their activity they do together without you. He should want to spend one on one time with his child even if it's exhausting. How he reacts to that suggestion will be telling.
Marriage isnt easy and takes work, often in and out of counselling and one person's need trumping the other for a period of time (and vice versa) but ultimately your partner should be your best friend who always has your back.

widespreadpanic Wed 23-Sep-20 16:58:48

Geez he sounds like a prize. I dated a guy that regularly stonewalled me. You don’t test some you love AND respect that way. It cause me constant anxiety and self doubt. And I would leave him for the fact that he let your child jump on the bed while you were trying to sleep- that is straight disrespectful and only teaches your child to tear you the same way as he gets older.

Anordinarymum Wed 23-Sep-20 17:03:22

Sorry OP but you have cultivated a way of life here. You need to do something to make him stop in his tacks and think about the impact he is having upon your life.

Only look after yourself and your child. Do not even make him a cup of tea. Tell him you are not a maid, or a doormat, or anything else that springs to mind. And.......... stick to it.
That is.. unless you want a lifetime of drudgery.

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