Wife’s Male Friend

[Addingthingsup]

Hello All,

Looking for an opinion from mums, am I reading to much into this?

Background:

I have been married almost 11 years, my wife and I have generally a good marriage. Typical on / off arguments for a relationship.

For the past year, my wife has befriended a male friend, that’s sort of become my friend too. He’s single, and is generally a really nice guy.

My worries come from not reading the situation well. They both speak a language that I don’t understand, have tons of common interests, and in my presence usually speak in my presence.

He’s not the play boy type, and usually would not consider him competition. But he’s so especially nice to my wife but also nice to me.

My other worries stem from the almost daily calls or weekly visits, though I’m present. And the every other day text messages. What I’ve seen, they seem quite close. Almost like best friends.

In my presence it’s just generic chit chat, family, personal issues, how friends would talk.

To me, it appears that my wife is really enjoying a platonic relationship and actively involves me. And in my head, if she does prefer this guy, then I think she’s the decent type to tell me and not drag anything on. And who am I to force someone, I rather she stay for love not because I guilt tripped her. I care about her happiness and her well being the most.

And same for this friendship, if it’s genuine, I don’t want to be the jealous type and actually mess something that makes my wife happy. Because I think if I said something - she would be very angry and upset but actually cut the relationship with him. And that to me feels like trapping her, which I don’t want.

In fact I don’t feel jealous, more heart broken, that she’s has a relationship with a guy I don’t think I can compete, with his niceness and considerate personality. He seems to have a strong moral stance too, so makes me think twice his intentions.

I would really appreciate any direction, I’m I over thinking it, is a emotional affair or just a genuine friendship.

[catsvdogs]

Where did she meet him? Has he family?

[category12]

Why can't you compete in niceness and consideration?! Perhaps you should learn from him if you think you're lacking in those traits.

[AnyFucker]

You are not nice and considerate to your wife ?

[Dontletitbeyou]

In fact I don’t feel jealous, more heart broken, that she’s has a relationship with a guy I don’t think I can compete, with his niceness and considerate personality.

Sorry op , as the others have said what does this mean.? That you don’t think you’re nice and considerate with your wife ?

[safeordangerous]

Do you have kids together?

On the friend I dont think a man or woman likes the introduction of such a friend in truth, just supposed to accept / pretend otherwise. I think what's key to this is how far 'beyond' and out of their way this friend goes for your wife.

[Apple222]

I can understand this. Friendships are nice and easy aren’t they? Free of any day to day pressures and worries about money, dependents, sex, chores... You see a glimpse of friends and can wholeheartedly enjoy their company. Relationships are, on the whole, harder because they are 24/7, there may be disagreements, arguments and just the daily drudge.

From what you have said here it feels harmless as your DW has involved you and is not hiding anything about the friendship. But, that said, frequent calls and messages can get in the way of her quality time with you. I think you have to talk with her about it and see if you can create enough time for just her and you to enjoy each other’s company alone, free of other people. Sometimes it can feel as though we have our good times with friends rather than our partners, especially if there are shared interests with friends, so make some time with her to do something together you both enjoy. Connect with her about the things you have in common.

[Addingthingsup]

Re the niceness, I would like to think that I am and do my very best in being considerate.

He seems just extra school boy nice, to the point of being really perfect in being nice, can’t seem to describe it differently. And would love to give examples, but my wife is on these forums and she will clock my descriptions.

[Addingthingsup]

safeordangerous, we have children, young at the moment, and starting to see him as uncle figure.

I agree just pretending not to care / worry. I don’t know what’s the boundary for me, but it feels it’s getting close to it and I’m just an observer.

[Addingthingsup]

@Apple222 your thinking is spot on. I don’t want to smother her friendships and I will try to strengthen our connection, which to me feels already strong.

But can’t shake the feeling that I am looking from the outside, as everyday they appear to be having a stronger connection with each other, no matter what I do.

[maisythehorse]

I wouldn't like it if it was the other way round, seems a bit excessive seeing and messaging everyday, I don't even do that with my female bf, it's getting in the way of your relationship so say how you feel.

[Addingthingsup]

@catsvdogs they met through mutual friends, he’s from the same place she is from. So close cultural ties

[Addingthingsup]

@maisythehorse it’s the phone calls and messages that seem excessive, but if I suggest this, my wife will get instantly bitter about it, may cut off her friendship but will not be happy and more likely drive us further apart. Which is also what I don’t want.

I may just have to go on as normal, and if no boundary is crossed then fine, if one is crossed then I will deal with it as it comes.

[RainbowFlowers]

Because I think if I said something - she would be very angry and upset but actually cut the relationship with him. And that to me feels like trapping her, which I don’t want.

Why do you think she would react like that?

I feel like thinking that (whether she would actually do that or not) is making you very trapped. I think its really important to be able to talk openly about your feelings to your partner. It shouldn't always be about things actively changing. Talking through your insecurities or concerns can help in itself, if it is met with understanding. It seems like you feel she won't be understanding to your feelings.

[Iwonder08]

OP, I am not a jealous type at all, but I wouldn't be comfortable with this level of communication. I am married and I have a male best friend. Just one, like your wife. I wouldn't consider it appropriate to have daily calls with him.
From what you are saying it looks like it is really just a friendship based on mutual interests and shared cultural background. I would still raise it with your wife in a non-confrontational way. Tell her you are very happy she found a good friend, that he seems like a nice person. However you feel their relationship with this chap is a bit intense. Tell her this increased daily calls and texts make you feel uneasy. Assure her you support her in her friendship but you want her to understand how it makes you feel and please tone it down.
See how she reacts. I would worry if she gets angry and defensive

[awesomeaircraft]

Difficult to say. I am from "another culture" from the country I live in and do enjoy meeting people from my own, but I have always gravitated towards same sex friendship because we have most in common, it is safer and well, it never happened any other way.

I must say I find what you describe too intense.

Can you talk openly to your DW as you are on this forum? That you don't want to smother a good friendship but feel like an outsider to a relationship that seems to grow? Can you ask her if she thinks this is competing with your time together or affecting her relationship to your family unit?

The ability to communicate calmly but directly in a relationship is very important. She may not have stopped to consider what it happening.

[alvinp]

You are right to have concerns, but it is quite difficult for you as anything you say can be interpreted as being unreasonable.

I had a very similar situation years ago. The friend made me uncomfortable but was always polite and attentive. He lived nearby, was divorced, no kids. He would drop by on weekend mornings with muffins or fudge, small things. I tried to be friendly and polite but I felt our family time was being disrupted. He also gave her (my exDW) presents for her birthday, including an expensive necklace. Whenever I raised my concerns or discomfort with her I was being very unreasonable.

In hindsight I now realise I was being gaslighted. Of course I later did discover they were having an affair and actually this element simply added to my distress and humiliation when I found out. In emails to her he would quote things I said in conversation to twist their meaning, he was very manipulative.

[alvinp]

to add... I am OK with my partner having male friends. My now DW has friends of both sexes as do I. I'm not a jealous person but we all respect boundaries. I think in your case a boundary is being crossed.

[Bluntness100]

Loving the folks saying I’m not a jealous person but then stating they’d have issues with this and clearly are.

Op, you are jealous and insecure, either you trust her or you don’t. Your wife is a grown woman, she is able to choose her own friends, and how she interacts with them, it is not your place to decide what is and is not acceptable to you. The gender of the friends is not relevant, irrespective of how many of the “non jealous” types tell you it is.

I have male friends, and female ones, if my husband told me how often I was allowed to see or talk to any of them it would not go well for him. He also has friends of both genders, I actually am not the jealous type and would not dream of interfering and telling him how often he could interact. In fact on nights out he invites me often, and usually I say no.

You need to work out if this is about your jealousy and insecurity, or if you think there is something romantic between them genuinely, I suspect it’s the former.

What you cannot do, is dictate to your wife how she manages her friendships.

[SecondStageIgnition]

It sounds like a genuine friendship to me, OP. Providing there has been no suspicious activity, e.g. meetings or calls being kept secret from you, I would just carry on as normal if I were you.
Is her behaviour with him similar to her behaviour with a female friend?

[StormBaby]

Well my ex ran off with his best female friend, who was also my friend. It happens a lot. Strangely enough the exact same happened to my now-DH with his ex wife. She was sleeping with his best friend for months under the guise of him being her best friend too. I’d be wary here if I were you.

[MartiniDry]

Bluntness, you've said all I was going to. Nobody has the right to police another adult's friendships.

[Addingthingsup]

Thank you all for your help and fast responses, it has kept me sane.

@Bluntness100 you are totally right, I had this philosophy before, never jealous, we are all free individuals - just actual actions that we should worry about.

11 years maybe taking things for granted, and perhaps just let this slip. Basically I miss being her best friend too.

She’s a wonderful person, and morally better than me in so many small ways. She’s not the type to cheat, but 80% sure this guy would love to be in a relationship with her (gut feeling no proof) but because he’s from an excellent upbringing, I don’t think he would cross that line either.

But do you know, that I think it comes from a place of logic. I am a sensible person, and when I see it, I generally get a gut feeling that becomes a logically conclusion. I.e I think they are much better suited than I am with her.

That dilemma drives me crazy 😜- thinking about her happiness but it goes against mine. And hers always wins - I really do love her.

So thank you all for the sanity check

[Addingthingsup]

Ps sorry about the typos

[yetmorecrap]

Having been on the end of this kind of relationship and being the cool wife I was , I discovered many years later it was an intense infatuation on my Hs part— she I think did see it as good friends and being very young and at university was used to having lots of friends of both sexes. I would be wary , I would not say anything but keep an eye on stuff , maybe in general conversation say that it feels as someone said above ‘a bit intense’ . I realise a lot of people on here like to be cool about such things, I suspect it’s not the people who have been crapped on in this way. I too was once the cool wife

[Hotwaterbottlelove]

You don't have the right to police other people's relationships but you do have a right to make your partner aware if they are causing you upset or distress. I'd hope you have a good enough relationship to be able to say, 'this situation is paying on my mind and I'd like us to explore why together'. It doesn't have to be you accusing her of anything or making her feel guilty. Just a conversation that hopefully results in a better understanding on both sides. As a unit you need to both determine where your boundaries are.


Personally I'm not okay with new and intense opposite sex relationships in a marriage. Older established ones are fine. They have different dynamics.