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He didn’t say he would try and cut down

(48 Posts)
trying606 Tue 22-Sep-20 07:11:08

In the latest argument with H about his drinking and how I’m at my wits end with it all, he didn’t say he would try and cut down or stop. Even though I said how badly it has affected me. I get nervous around people drinking, and hardly enjoy a drink myself anymore. I’ve even started having actual nightmares about his drinking. I worked out he is drinking between 10-15 units every night.

In the past he has said I’ll try, I know I need to cut down. Did he not say it this time because he knows he can’t? Or that he just doesn’t want to? Or doesn’t care?

It’s been a really hard couple of years, his drinking really ground me down, but I have started to find myself again with counselling. I have made some plans re leaving. I keep flipping between ‘it’ll all be ok’ and just finding the whole situation really hard.

I can’t be bothered challenging him about his drinking because I’m worn out with the arguments about it. He has said that if I get upset it means he drinks, so I have tried to suppress my feelings, but he still drinks. We had a disagreement about something minor recently but the way he spoke to me was awful, and I cried, in the back of mind I was worried that he probably going to drink too much tonight, and he did. It’s just a nightmare. Last night, I was sat thinking how many times I have felt genuinely happy recently, and it isn’t many.

Covid is slowing everything down for getting a job so progress is slow. I just want to be happy again.

OP’s posts: |
Eckhart Tue 22-Sep-20 07:15:02

He has said that if I get upset it means he drinks

Was he sober when he said this?

lesleyw1953 Tue 22-Sep-20 07:18:51

Nice try at shoving the blame onto you! Whatever you do he will drink. He's an addict and you need to get free, because nothing is as important to him as the drink.

cheeseislife8 Tue 22-Sep-20 07:21:56

This sounds so stressful for you. In the past when he's said he agrees that he needs to cut down, has he managed it?
It sounds like he's begun to prioritise the drinking over everything else, including your feelings and your marriage

DaffodilsAndDandelions Tue 22-Sep-20 07:24:42

I could have written this post almost word for word. It's really hard to leave as the good bits are really lovely and I always think it'll be ok on the morning.
One thing that has really helped me is having a "getting away" bag packed and hiding in a friends wardrobe. This means I can leave next time we have a big row without having to put any thought into it. It's actually calmed me down a lot regarding his drinking. I get shaky and feel sick when I know he's coming home after a lot to drink. Somehow just knowing I can walk out is a big weight off my shoulders. I'm a student so not in a great financial situation.
Do you have children?

fatherfintanstack Tue 22-Sep-20 07:26:05

tbh if you're making plans to leave and you've tried your best to get him to see his drinking for what it is, a problem (70-100 units a week is a big habit and it's likely he couldn't stop without some help), I would concentrate on your plans and not his reasons for not changing. To be honest it doesn't really matter what he would say the reason was as he's shown he doesn't care through his abusive talk and actually blaming you for his drinking as above.

Main thing is that you've reached rock bottom with this relationship and are ending it. It's probably good he's not pretending he wants to change anymore. You know where you stand and can plan accordingly.

KatherineJaneway Tue 22-Sep-20 07:29:26

You want him to stop drinking, he doesn't want to stop. You either learn to live with that or end things. He won't stop drinking unless he wants to, regardless of how it makes you feel.

MellowMelly Tue 22-Sep-20 07:48:41

He didn’t say he would cut down because he doesn’t want too. He is happy drinking and it doesn’t really matter what you say or think as that is his mindset right now.
Also what the previous poster said. He has now basically manipulated you into not talking/getting upset about it because that makes him drink. Now you’ve got to stay quiet and he can happily carry on with his habit.

My experience was the same. I was with someone who drank 8-10 cans of strongbow on a weekday night and up too 16 cans of it at the weekend. I wasn’t allowed to talk about it because he would become enraged at me and then drink more so I shut up for a quiet life and this enabled his drinking to continue. He was sent for a scan on his abdomen which revealed a fatty liver secondary to alcohol consumption. He was given a stark warning by the doctors but he carried on drinking. He could easily turn on me verbally when he drank and I can’t tell you the amount of times I cried myself to sleep while he snored his head off next to me.

I ended the relationship because I finally realised my life was not worth the misery he caused me. He is still drinking to this day and I sadly believe it will be the death of him.

trying606 Tue 22-Sep-20 07:51:03

@Eckhart yes he was sober when he said this, he’s said similar things in the past

@cheeseislife8 yes he can stop, he’s done it in the past, or cut down for a few weeks and then he gets back on it again

We have two small DC, the majority of the house and child stuff is left to me.

OP’s posts: |
trying606 Tue 22-Sep-20 07:52:50

@MellowMelly yes! The snoring whilst I’m quietly crying lying there with my mind turning over and over about what to do, how to make things better etc

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Eckhart Tue 22-Sep-20 08:04:01

@trying606 Then his drinking isn't the problem. He is emotionally manipulating you even when he is sober. He's taking it far enough to use you as the very reason he drinks. This absolves him of all responsibility, and means he can drink with impunity regardless of whether or not you express your feelings. This means that to him, your feelings have no value at all.

The only way you can make things better for you is to remove yourself. You cannot make things better for him. Stop trying to think of ways to make the relationship work. The only way that can happen is if he is also trying to think of ways to make the relationship work. Otherwise it's all on you. It's too big a job, and it's not just your responsibility.

I think that you will feel startlingly better, even by just making the decision to leave. You are not trapped in this situation; your life is your own. Make the decision, and take as long as you need to make a plan to get out. He doesn't have to know.

MellowMelly Tue 22-Sep-20 08:06:26

@trying606 and does he get up the next morning and act like nothing happened?

I see that you mention he has tried to cut back before or has stopped but goes back to it. I do think that without proper intervention (like a GP and AA) he will just keep going back to it. The GP gave my ex some tablets that would make him sick if he touched alcohol. As soon as he finished the course he started drinking again so he probably needed more blanket support beyond just the tablets for any chance of success. Plus they actually have to want to give up!

trying606 Tue 22-Sep-20 09:02:34

@MellowMelly yes, he acts like nothing happened, he can handle about 8 ish units quite well, not really showing any signs and then anything over that it starts to show.

I guess I shut down a bit because I am resentful of him.

OP’s posts: |
trying606 Tue 22-Sep-20 09:10:29

Maybe that hasnt helped things. He says there are other reasons he does it too

OP’s posts: |
Eckhart Tue 22-Sep-20 09:17:56

His reasons don't matter, @trying606

He knows he's upsetting you but he still won't stop, and he's blaming you, even if it's just partly. That's all you need to know. No reason at all can justify this behaviour in a relationship. Stop looking at how you can fix it.

Does he ever spend time worrying and wondering about whether he can fix the relationship? Does he go on forums to ask a wider audience about whether you care about issue in the relationship?

There is a drastic imbalance here, where he is making you responsible for his poor behaviour, and you are making yourself responsible for improving the situation.

What do you think are his responsibilities, within the relationship? What does he think his responsibilities are?

MellowMelly Tue 22-Sep-20 09:54:23

@trying606 Your resentment will grow more and more. I would use this resentment as your fuel to leave. You are receiving counselling which is great and you mention plans to leave. I found that once resentment kicked in with me that was my turning point. I literally woke up one morning and felt so indifferent towards him that I knew I was done.

Also I totally understand the tipping point. My ex could drink about six okay but anything beyond that and we moved into Jekyll and Hyde territory.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 22-Sep-20 10:12:03

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Alcoholism is not also known as the "family disease" for nothing and you seem as caught up in this as much as he is. Your children will be affected by seeing all this within their home too, make no mistake about that. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only start once you are completely removed from him. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. I would also urge you to read this article and to contact Al-anon because you need support.

He is an alcoholic and the best thing you can do for your own self as well as your DC here is to push forward with leaving. You do not owe him anything let alone a relationship here. And besides which, his primary relationship is not and has never really been with you, its been with alcohol and that is a cruel mistress. He does not want help nor your help and or support. There are no guarantees either when it comes to alcoholism; he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.

trying606 Tue 22-Sep-20 14:42:09

It’s so hard, he just carries on as normal and expects everything to be the same and ok. It’s like he can’t grasp the damage that his drinking has caused.

@DaffodilsAndDandelions yes the good times do confuse my feelings and I think maybe it will be ok. But more often than not by the next day I’m glad I’m getting some plans to leave together. I guess I’m just worried I will leave and then I’ll wish I hadn’t.

I think he knows there are problems in the relationship but he doesn’t want to address them. I feel like I’ve given away so much of myself trying make things work and I’ve run out of anything to give.

OP’s posts: |
Eckhart Tue 22-Sep-20 14:48:48

You think he knows there are problems in the relationship? Have you not had serious talks with him and explained how it's affecting you?

trying606 Tue 22-Sep-20 14:56:49

Yes I’ve told him multiple times, but the way he carries on you’d think hadn’t heard or understood. But I am realising that it’s prob because he doesn’t care that much.

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Eckhart Tue 22-Sep-20 15:08:23

He's just openly disregarding your feelings, then. You have to do the opposite. You have to listen to your feelings. Be pissed off, be angry, and actually hear and listen to what your inner self is saying. (I don't necessarily mean that you do these things in from of him. Stay safe and minimise ill feeling. It doesn't sound like there's much point talking to him anyway) Can you write it all down in a diary? A red pen and some big capitals might help. Or talk to someone you really trust? Anything to get your feelings expressed outside of you. It's the first step towards respecting your feelings, which neither he nor you are doing, currently.

Pinkyandthebrainz Tue 22-Sep-20 15:08:43

He doesn't care. Take your children and run or stay and look back in 20 years full of regret and guilt.

Opentooffers Tue 22-Sep-20 15:36:52

It feels like he doesn't care because alcoholics become self absorbed and don't see the destruction around them that is of their making. There is always an outside excuse to drink so it's not on them - can be having a bad day, then it can be a celebratory day, then a sporting event. In this case he's added you to the mix, because he hasn't accepted that it's his failing. The reality is that non of these things are the cause, and certainly not you, the answer lies within him.
Sometimes, great loses to an alcoholic aren't enough for them to instigate a change, no amount of asking will help. Your best option is to leave, as a parent, I found the decision to split easier. It's one thing for a partner to chose to put up with the crap around it, but when you start seeing a grim future for your DC, well, that just wasn't going to happen.
Let your mother's protective instinct guide you and your DC away. You will find it a bonus that all the rearing and household chores have been left to you, as he's made himself obsolete. You are doing it all on your own anyway already, so it won't be any harder, in fact it will be easier, without him.

HelenUrth Tue 22-Sep-20 15:50:00

"He has said that if I get upset it means he drinks, so I have tried to suppress my feelings, but he still drinks. We had a disagreement about something minor recently but the way he spoke to me was awful, and I cried, in the back of mind I was worried that he probably going to drink too much tonight, and he did."

He is trying to train you to believe it's your fault when he drinks. He's nearly there. You have an argument over something minor and then you worry will he drink, while he's rubbing his hands together that tonight he has an excuse to drink. Not that he needs one, he will please himself, not you.

His primary relationship is with alcohol. You are way down below this. You cannot change him. You can only change the way you behave.

As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father (also a narc mother, but that's another story), I would appeal to you to separate, not just for your sake, but for the sake of your children.

Mix56 Tue 22-Sep-20 15:53:50

This will also effect your DC, their lives will evolve around his moods, his slurring, your hurt, anger.
Cut this short now, & remember he will probably make promises to stop. You will have to say, stay sober for 6 months then I will revise.
Leave asap.

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