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Should I be worried? What do I do?

(29 Posts)
Turbotastic Mon 21-Sep-20 22:39:44

I've been having issues with my (now ex) bf for a while. A whole lot of little things added up, some of them largely due to his depression/anxiety.

I sent him some texts a few days ago to tell him that I was ending it, Not the way I wanted to go about it but I felt I had no choice since he won't engage with me. He has form for ignoring me for days on end, which is part of why I've ended the relationship.

I'm just getting a bit worried now because I have had no communication from him at all for almost a week, not a single word, no response to the break up texts, nothing. I am twisting myself in knots thinking maybe he has harmed himself (he has talked about this in the past). I feel so guilty. I've even sent his sister, who lives in the same house, a message to ask if he is alright but she hasn't even seen it yet and is also not great at responding.

At the same time I'm wondering if he has seen the texts and just doesn't want to talk to me. What should I do? Keep messaging and make sure he's ok? Or just leave him alone and let him get in touch? I feel like I've been ghosted 😞

He has left quite a lot of his stuff at my place, not to mention his cat which I am still feeding and looking after which I cannot continue to do once I go back to work next week. There's no rush for him to collect his other stuff, I mostly want to make sure he is alright. What do I do?

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edwinbear Mon 21-Sep-20 22:45:11

Just leave him in his man cave. He’s sulking, he has form for ignoring you and is punishing you by deliberately making you worry. He’s enjoying knowing you will be stressed about the lack of reply. Just shrug your shout and let him carry on sulking.

edwinbear Mon 21-Sep-20 22:45:33

shoulders

Yeahmetoo Mon 21-Sep-20 22:45:42

If he lives with his sister I would leave it.. she will look out for him. I think the kindest thing for you and him is to leave him be. You wanted it to be over, maybe he has accepted that and chooses not to reply. By contacting him further you could confuse matters and him, making him think there is a chance.

If he lived alone I would say different but you have to cut the chord if ending things was the right thing for you. Is there a mutual friend you can give belongings to? Appreciate the cat is a bit more awkward. Or maybe if his sister does reply ask if you can arrange dropping off the cat and belongings via her to save any issues.

Yeahmetoo Mon 21-Sep-20 22:46:13

Also agree with @edwinbear.

MrDarcysMa Mon 21-Sep-20 22:47:17

Ermmm he's trying to make you panic. And it's working.

Turbotastic Mon 21-Sep-20 22:56:51

He lives with his mum and sister so I've been trying to tell myself that he'll be ok with them there to look out for him.

I just still feel so shit that I couldn't sit down with him face to face, I felt like that would have been the decent thing to do. But he literally hadn't spoken to me for 4 days and we hadn't seen each other for over a week when I got to that point, I just couldn't take the silent treatment anymore. It's wrecking my own mental health. I have been telling him for weeks that the days and days of radio silence are really hurtful to me and he just continued to do it, nothing changed. So it was the right thing for us to go our separate ways.

I'm just terrified that this will push him over the edge when I know he's been feeling bad anyway. And I will feel responsible if it does 😞

I don't have anyone I can give the stuff to and I don't have a car so I can't take it back to his place.

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Thelnebriati Mon 21-Sep-20 23:10:44

Post his stuff back to him, and stop taking responsibility for his behaviour.
You broke the connection with him. Now its time to draw a line under this, let him go and move on with your life.

Turbotastic Mon 21-Sep-20 23:15:35

I really couldn't post it, there's way too much! Including some largeish items.
He only lives 5 miles up the road, just need him to get in touch somehow so I can arrange returning it.

Anyways, I'm not desperate to get rid of it (although I do want it gone eventually) but the cat needs sorting soon. I don't have a cat flap and I can't leave him shut in all day while I'm at work so I'll have to lock him out which feels a bit mean 😞

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MsEllany Mon 21-Sep-20 23:21:46

Send one last text saying if he doesn't respond to make arrangements for the cat you'll take it to Cat's Protection. And if he doesn't want his stuff dumped by the kerb on bin day then he should probably come and get it.

You don't have to do those things. But he'll respond.

Pantsomime Mon 21-Sep-20 23:29:46

OP he’s torturing you waiting for you to panic. He’s going to say phone broke etc , so Text same message to him and his sister- say Get in touch to arrange to collect cat by x date or it’s going to cat shelter as you are at work And will not ( not can’t) look after it, also Collect stuff by x date or it’s going in bin bags outside. Well done you are well rid what a total arse

Onthedunes Tue 22-Sep-20 00:25:46

Silent treatment, stonewalling he will never change.
Stop worrying about his welfare

He's not a nice guy

I'll have the cat

Turbotastic Thu 24-Sep-20 13:42:01

I've still had no word from him. Over 2 weeks since I last saw him, almost a week since I last messaged him. So I guess I have been ghosted 😞

I've sent another message about the cat, I've told him that I'm back at work as of Monday and it's not fair to keep him locked out of the house all day while I'm out so if he wants him he needs to arrange for him to be collected by then. If he doesn't get in touch I'll assume he can't take him and I'll make other arrangements. Ball is in his court now.

I felt like such a shitbag for ending things by text but the longer he ignores me the more I feel maybe it was the right decision. I suppose some part of me thought he might do his usual thing of begging forgiven, makes excuses for the no contact, etc. But he hasn't.

I did think I was worth more to him that just disappearing without a trace and leaving all his crap in my house but oh well 😞

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Inaseagull Thu 24-Sep-20 14:10:40

Please tell us that if he did get in touch and 'forgive' you, you wouldn't take him back??? Who wants a big man baby for a partner!

Turbotastic Thu 24-Sep-20 14:17:00

No I wouldn't, it's been too long and he's hurt me with this same issue too many times. There are also many other issues that I think would have become insurmountable over time. It's better for us both. I'm just really sad about it, things were great for a time and I had such high hopes for him. Now he's just another let down and it's heartbreaking 😞

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Anordinarymum Thu 24-Sep-20 14:19:07

Turbotastic

No I wouldn't, it's been too long and he's hurt me with this same issue too many times. There are also many other issues that I think would have become insurmountable over time. It's better for us both. I'm just really sad about it, things were great for a time and I had such high hopes for him. Now he's just another let down and it's heartbreaking 😞

I just feel incredibly sorry for the cat

Turbotastic Thu 24-Sep-20 14:28:52

In all honesty the cat wasn't really 'his' in the first place. When lockdown happened the local cat rescue had to close and the volunteers brought the cats there home with them to be looked after - one of the ladies lives on my estate. The cat just showed up one day and never left. I didn't really want the cat to stay as I didn't have the money to pay for his care but Ex assured me that he would pay for his stuff, clean out his litter tray etc.

Obviously that didn't happen, it all went tits up and I got left holding the cat. I'm not heartless but the reason I didn't want the cat in the first place is the same reason I don't want one now. I can barely afford to feed myself and pay my bills at the moment let alone pay for food, flea treatments, insurance etc for him and I don't think it's fair to keep him and know that I can't meet his needs. I've done all I can but I'm already in debt because of lockdown.

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Desolate2nite Thu 24-Sep-20 14:36:40

Poor cat

Manxiety Thu 24-Sep-20 16:13:33

If he uses WhatsApp or FB messenger you can see if he's been online but, as others have said, if he's living with others he's fine. Sounds like you did the right thing getting rid. Now get rid of the cat and move on.

Turbotastic Thu 24-Sep-20 17:42:31

He doesn't have either of those unfortunately, I've asked him in the past to get them but he didn't.

I know what you mean. Guess I'll just have to accept he wants nothing more to do with me. It's for the best.

Now I just need him to remove his stuff from my place 😆

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Manxiety Fri 25-Sep-20 09:56:48

Just box it up and drop it round there asap. Then move on! Make a list of all the 'issues' you mentioned and pin it on your fridge. x

Inaseagull Fri 25-Sep-20 11:40:46

Would it all fit in a taxi? Might be worth the fare just to get rid of everything so you can start afresh. Even the cat could get delivered. Just drop everything outside, knock and go.

It's good you are resolute about the split, time to draw a line and move on. The list is also a good idea. Hope you are feeling a bit better about everything. You have now made room for good things to come into your life.

TwixTwixtwoo Fri 25-Sep-20 13:11:35

If you know where the lady who volunteers for the cat rescue lives I'd take the cat round to her OP, or contact the actual rescue if not.

Florencex Fri 25-Sep-20 15:07:14

I understand why you ended things by text, but having done so, it is also understandable why he has not answered the text. I would just leave it now.

I don’t understand about the cat, why does it have to be locked outside if it has a litter tray. I currently have a cat flap but I have also had indoor cats and have had no issues leaving them when I am at work.

Turbotastic Fri 25-Sep-20 15:20:49

@Florencex I totally get why he isn't responding now, which is fine. But he does have a large amount of his stuff still here including some expensive/valuable items of his and some items of furniture. I can't, in good conscience, just dump them on the kerb to get ruined by rain and thrown in the bin. The bigger items I'd have to pay to get removed. I have a shed but it's very run down, full of holes and anything put in there would likely also get ruined.

There is no cat flap as I have a glass door, the cat used to have a litter tray but I had to take it away because he just wouldn't stop scratching at the walls and floor - he's clawed deep gouges in 2 of my freshly painted walls which I'm going to have to try and repair or lose my deposit. Obviously since he has no tray I can't leave him in the house while I'm out. I didn't really want the cat in the first place, he only stayed on the basis that ex would look after him and pay for his care. Now that ex is gone I can't continue to look after him.

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