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Shell shocked by what BIL has texted me

(217 Posts)
Pineapplesandflamingoes Sun 20-Sep-20 23:46:37

This is a weird one I know. I am a regular mumsnetter and recently changed my username but this is genuine. I have only changed a couple of details about the family set up just in case it could be outing but otherwise this is what has happened.

I’m shell shocked because a week ago my BIL texted me to say he is divorcing my sister because he couldn’t take any more. The marriage has become completely toxic over the years and they have largely been living separate lives in the same house. I knew this was coming due to my sister telling me how bad things were and also my grown up nieces.

Just to give some background, they have been together for over 30 years and for at least 25 of those years they seemed happy and content. Nearly always together unless they were working and focusing on their family. I never had any clue anything could be wrong but of course that is often the case.

I replied to say I’m sorry to hear about the divorce but I think it is for the best so they can both move on and find happiness. I said try not to be bitter about it as it doesn’t help matters and to think of his mental heath. (I know he isn’t in a good place mentally).

Shortly after I sent that reply he went on to say that my sister had been bringing men back to the house and she had done it again recently and that was why he couldn’t take any more. He attached 2 video’s, I didn’t watch them but could see from the picture on each video that it was my sister with a man and one of them showed she was half dressed. I’ve deleted them and told him this and said I don’t want to be in the middle of this and want to support them both through the divorce.

I really believe that there is much more to all this than first impressions which I admit don’t look good. But how many husband’s do you know would sit in their home and video his wife while she is doing things with another man? My BIL is a burly testosterone fuelled type and I just can’t imagine he would stand for that unless it’s something they might have done before in a kind of threesome or he watches type of thing. I have heard rumours from acquaintances who have said that they thought they might be swingers. I’m wondering now if he is recording so that he has ammunition against her for the divorce, but why not just go for a no fault divorce?

I really don’t want to judge, I just feel awful about the whole thing and sick to my stomach that he would find it appropriate to send me these videos of my sister. Who else has he sent them to? I know of at least one other person.
I just don’t know what to think or how to react. I don’t know whether to tell my sister. Like I say I just feel shell shocked really.

OP’s posts: |
ZaphodDent Sun 20-Sep-20 23:54:45

Maybe he recorded them for his own pleasure, and now the relationship has failed he's looking to make her seem like the one who caused the problems. I bet your sister has a very different story. She may have gone along with it to please him, as just one possibility.

It's obviously completely inappropriate for him to send it to you. If it was me I would tell your sister. She should know he's doing this.

Pineapplesandflamingoes Sun 20-Sep-20 23:57:10

I’m starting to think the same thing, it just doesn’t add up that he would willingly sit back and accept this and be like the wronged party. He has form for always taking the high ground and everybody else being in the wrong.
I just don’t know how to tell her about it. It’s just awful what is happening.

OP’s posts: |
UserABCDE12345 Sun 20-Sep-20 23:57:53

Isn't that classed as revenge porn and very much illegal?

I'd be informing your sister of what he was doing and encouraging her to go to the police. No matter what is or isn't going on between them, he's taking it too far and breaking the law.

Mum4Fergus Sun 20-Sep-20 23:59:15

I think what he has done may be illegal. You should make your sister aware.

Pineapplesandflamingoes Mon 21-Sep-20 00:00:25

I did think is it illegal? But could he then change his story and say it was a consensual thing to save his own neck?
I just don’t know whether to hope they get divorced quickly and for all this to be over. But then he could carry on showing people this stuff. Where does it end?

OP’s posts: |
WiserOlder Mon 21-Sep-20 00:00:36

I would remember who your relative is here. Why is he texting you. You are not his sister.
Does he wsnt to rob her of her support network?

TooTrueToBeGood Mon 21-Sep-20 00:01:08

What does you sister say? If you've been on MN as long as you say you'll know that his actions are very much in line with how abusers can behave when their victim tries to break free. Testosterone-fuelled egotist, always joined at the hip, trying to discredit his wife to her family when they split up - more red flags than a communist party convention. I inow you imply you don't want to take sides but don't rule out the possibility he is a nasty POS and your sister needs all the support she can get.

Pineapplesandflamingoes Mon 21-Sep-20 00:02:33

I honestly think he has to be the wounded soldier at every opportunity. It’s just his style.
It’s unbelievable this is happening, for all those years it was them two against the world and now this. If you knew them back then you would never ever believe it would end up like this.

OP’s posts: |
newnameforthis123 Mon 21-Sep-20 00:05:19

Do you think she knew she was being filmed?

This could be a legal matter as in he may have broken the law.

He sounds like such an weirdo to send them to her sister?!

Pineapplesandflamingoes Mon 21-Sep-20 00:05:44

I will support my sister no matter what. I just know she is in a fragile state herself. If she doesn’t know about the filming what will it do to her knowing he has done this and is showing it to people?
I have always been close to my BIL, there is a big age gap between me and my sister so it was like I grew up with them both.
The more I look back at the relationship the more I can see red flags but it’s easy with hindsight. It was always a traditional marriage with her doing all the leg work with everything but somehow they seemed happy.

OP’s posts: |
famousforwrongreason Mon 21-Sep-20 00:06:51


I would remember who your relative is here. Why is he texting you. You are not his sister.
Does he wsnt to rob her of her support network?

Sounds like something my abusive bil Would do to eradicate her support.
Absolutely no reason on earth to get her sister involved. Doesn’t he have friends of his own?
Not rtfs so apologies if you already answered this but are you close to your sister? If youre close I’d definitely tell her unless you have good reason not to. Is she likely to tell you stuff in her own time?

Pineapplesandflamingoes Mon 21-Sep-20 00:08:38

I don’t think she would know she was being filmed. Understandably I couldn’t bring myself to watch them. But both pictures show she had her back to my BIL who was filming so she really might not have known. It looked like there had been drinking going on (bottles and glasses in view).
I really do agree with him being a weirdo, who does something like that and sends them to her sister?
Tomorrow I need to do something and find a way to talk to her about it. But what do I say?

OP’s posts: |
SoulofanAggron Mon 21-Sep-20 00:10:49

I think it would definitely count as revenge porn, if not worse.

It's sooo malicious. sad I would tell her so she stands a chance of stopping him showing it to more people.

vraimenthan Mon 21-Sep-20 00:11:59

If the content was sexual then I'm pretty sure that's counted as revenge porn, spreading videos maliciously without the persons consent

Pineapplesandflamingoes Mon 21-Sep-20 00:12:46

Eradicating her support is a big possibility. I’m not sure how many friends he has left because he has fallen out with so many people. He has at least 2 close friends but I think they are users and one male friend who puts up with him because they work together.
I’m not close to my sister as such but I love her and would be there for her in a flash if she needed me. Their daughter’s are very close to her and are very supportive. They don’t speak to BIL because he fell out with one of them and ended up not speaking to either of them. My sister has a close friend who is supportive so she does have a network around her.

OP’s posts: |
Pineapplesandflamingoes Mon 21-Sep-20 00:15:47

I think I was still just in shock when I wrote the post and am still trying to process it. I think it definitely is revenge porn and I’ve got to find a way to tell her about it but I’m very worried it could send her over the edge.

OP’s posts: |
Heffalooomia Mon 21-Sep-20 00:22:50

When you say 'testosterone fuelled' do you mean that he's into bodybuilding, or maybe some sort of strength sport?

Kalula Mon 21-Sep-20 00:24:07

Wait...this site often advises women who suspect cheating to get proof. I've seen hidden cameras mentioned on here before. For proof in a divorce case. Why hasn't anyone on here thought that it was hidden cameras planted, to get evidence? And if this is the case, how does this make the BIL the bad guy? If the genders were reversed, and the wife had the hidden cameras, we'd be supporting her. It does sound like your sister has been bringing men into his marital home he shares with her and having sex with other men, you have to be realistic as to how your sister looks, and it's not good. Maybe he shouldn't have forwarded you the clips from the camera, but he is taking steps to protect himself for the divorce and collecting evidence. That does not make him the bad guy. Nor does it make a woman who is being cheated on bad either for collecting evidence to protect herself.

Pineapplesandflamingoes Mon 21-Sep-20 00:24:49

Heffalooomia - I mean he is a large man, stocky and strong due to years of physical work. He’s a stereotypical alpha male type.

OP’s posts: |
Kalula Mon 21-Sep-20 00:26:17

And if he did plant the cameras, it sounds like he had good reason to be suspicious.

Pineapplesandflamingoes Mon 21-Sep-20 00:27:50

Kalula - It could be a hidden camera. I just don’t know. But surely he shouldn’t be sending the videos to other people because then he is breaking the law potentially?

OP’s posts: |
Hangingbasketofdoom Mon 21-Sep-20 00:28:04

Have you asked your sister about it?

newnameforthis123 Mon 21-Sep-20 00:29:45


Kalula - It could be a hidden camera. I just don’t know. But surely he shouldn’t be sending the videos to other people because then he is breaking the law potentially?

Filming without permission where the subject should expect privacy (so being nude etc) and sending 'revenge porn' are both against the law. He's disgusting.

newnameforthis123 Mon 21-Sep-20 00:30:07

Have you not immediately told your sister about this?

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