I have been married to DH for 10 years, with 3 children under 7. On the outside our relationship looks very strong, but in reality it has been anything but.
Our arguments usually follow this pattern:
- I try to explain, calmly and at a convenient time, why X has upset me, X often being something that DH has done/ not done.
- DH tells me that X wouldn't have happened had I not done Y.
- Again calmly, I explain that I feel blamed.
- DH says "I'm not blaming you" and then often tells me that I am overreacting because of anxiety/ post natal depression/ PMS/ PCOS/ basically anything hormonal.
- It then begins to go round in circles and ends up with him keeping calm and me shouting at him, sometimes very badly, and I end up deeply regretting my reaction (especially if it was in front of the children, which unfortunately it has been sometimes), feeling ashamed, and agreeing that it was, after all, my fault. I know that I am in control of my responses, but sometimes I have honestly felt as though I was going mad. There just felt like no other way to communicate with him. It is like talking to fog, he dodges everything I say.
X can be anything, from small things such as housework, but has also been much bigger things, for example DH drove the car drunk after a work event - he said I was to blame because I would have become angry if he hadn't brought the car home (I ended up agreeing with him, and felt that if only I were easier to live with, he wouldn't have done something so dangerous). I put off getting a lump investigated because he said he couldn't take time off work to take care of the kids (he also wasn't happy at me getting family or friends to help) and I was disrupting things for him. Nine months later, when my GP brother told me to get the lump seen urgently, DH told me that he didn't want to be blamed if anything happened to me (the lump turned out to be benign). Again, I felt it was my fault, I should have handled things better and been a stronger person. A close friend died during lockdown, DH was not supportive and when I complained, he said I was too focused on the needs of other people rather than him. The list goes on.
Stupidly, I only noticed this pattern a few weeks into lockdown, as the arguments had become much more frequent, especially after my friend died. It began to sink in that this really isn't normal. I told DH that we seemed to have a real problem, and he went off and did some "research" - I thought to tell me that I was wrong. To my surprise, he came back and told me that he had been emotionally abusing me, that he was appalled with himself, and that he would get counselling to sort things out. Since beginning the counselling he really does seem to have changed, and we have argued much less frequently, although there have been a few bumps. I have begun to feel much happier on the whole and more like my old self. I want the marriage to work, and honestly when DH is not behaving like this, then things can be really good.
However, I am still really struggling with some of the things that have happened in the past. As soon as any source of conflict appears, I begin to feel very anxious and although it has become a lot better, I am still resorting to a defensive anger. This evening, I reacted with anger because DH said something I was worried about wasn't that important, and I began to shout. Our neighbour, who has been away for several months, stopped DH whilst he was outside, and asked him if he was okay. She told him that she had heard me shouting at him several times in the past, and that I should really get some counselling, especially with such young kids at home. I don't disagree, but it hurts to hear someone else say it. DH later apologised to me for invalidating my feelings.
Absolutely no one we know would believe me that DH had been emotionally abusing me. I often get told how lucky I am to have him, what a wonderful man he is (including by the neighbour). I'm a coward, but I worry that if I get counselling that it will only confirm that I am indeed an abusive and difficult person. It's still hard to accept that he is the abuser.
Just feeling quite broken tonight. Has anyone's marriage survived emotional abuse? What helped?