Marriage over?

[running3]

Hi, DH and I are on the verge of separating. Issues are- we work well as a team eg around the house but we are more like housemates than husband and wife, no intimacy for a long time. Communication is also poor- my husband is quiet, introverted and doesn’t naturally share thoughts/feelings. This can be infuriating and lonely. We rarely have full blown rows but have disagreements or tiffs which end in sulking behaviour (from both of us) and it will always be me who tries to discuss it and resolve it.

Over a few years I have raised my issues and suggested things eg activities from advice websites to help us connect, we have said we will have more date nights, we have even had 2 counselling sessions. Nothing changes. I feel like it’s always me bringing it up and trying to look into what we can do to make things better.

He agrees that there is something missing but doesn’t really want to separate. However, I really think I’ve had enough. He’s kind, dependable and helpful, but I need more. I need company, someone who will open up to me, someone who appreciates and admires me and vice versa, someone with a bit of drive, that extra little bit of magic etc.

I just need to be sure that separating would be the right thing. It breaks my heart that it would mean breaking up my little boy’s family, and it breaks my heart knowing that this would mean he won’t have a sibling. But I feel like I’m not me anymore. If I could make things better I would. Am I being selfish and not appreciating what I have? Am I making a big fuss over nothing and thinking the grass is greener..?

[hobbyhobby]

Ask yourself this. Do you want to live like this for another 40 years

[safeordangerous]

Explain to him how serious you feel. Can you suggest marriage counselling?

[running3]

@hobbyhobby great question. No 😔

@safeordangerous we have spoken about separating so he is aware. We have tried two sessions of couples counselling. In the last session she suggested date nights but this is something that comes up every time we have issues and it never happens. Even when I’m prepared to end the marriage he still doesn’t take any ownership and suggest/plan something. I do suggest things which sometimes happen but are not usually met with the enthusiasm i’d hoped for.

[stanski]

OP I Literally could have written this myself. We function in a very similar way to you.
He will wait for things to happen and maybe deal with them then rather than being proactive and offering up ideas. A lack of umph which I bang my head against.
I love people around whilst he is happy without them. Could go months without showing any interest in meeting someone.
I keep myself busy with work, DS and thankfully friends but the moment it's just us, it can be very lonely and whilst we are a great team, I too am not sure if this is how I want the next 40 years to be. Following with interest. Best of luck whatever you do.

[running3]

@stanski wow yes it sounds like we are mirror images! I brought it all up again yesterday and we’ve barely spoken since. Not being proactive drives me crazy. I just think if he can’t get up and fight for this (marriage and family) then what hope is there. I think some of it is low self esteem/low self worth on his part though, as well as that just being his natural character. Wish he’d just give me a hug and sort it out but no. I’m tired of being the person who tries to sort it out on my own 😔

[Anothernick]

If he won't engage then there's not much hope I don't think. LTRs don't keep going through some magical force, they have to be nurtured and both sides have to be committed to engaging with problems and trying to solve them. And a lack of intimacy makes it worse, it magnifies other problems, whereas continued intimacy diminishes them.

You need to make it absolutely clear to him that you are close to breaking point, then perhaps give him a final chance for a month or two before making a decision.

[WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName]

How long have you been together? How old is your DS? It’s so hard and the more time you’ve invested the worse it feels, but don’t get blinded by the sunk costs fallacy. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

[netsybetsy]

It takes two to save a marriage. You have been rowing this boat on your own for too long. Put down the oars and plan your next move. You given it your all from what you've said here.

[running3]

Thank you all. He’s just this morning suggested we write down everything we need to work on and give it one more month. At least he’s finally trying I guess, but I feel it’s probably too late.
@WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName We’ve been together 9 years, married for 4 and have a nearly 2 year old.

[stanski]

Bumping for you