Still crying

[Grandadwasthatyou]

I don't know how to link to my previous thread but in it I talked about the fact that my ex had moved on after 6 months and I was devastated. We had split up at my instigation after many years together as I had trust issues and felt I couldn't stay with him after being let down yet again.

During the 6 months apart he would tell me often that he still loved me , cry and cry and ask if there was any chance of a reconciliation? But I was strong and stuck to my decision. He finally accepted it was over when I paid him his share of the house, having had to remortgage and go back to square one financially.
And after accepting that our relationship is over he has now moved on to a relationship with somebody he has met online who lives a long way away.
I have found this so so difficult to accept. I am still grieving over what has happened and what the future holds. There is no way I could even think of looking for another man, and yet here he is entertaining his new girlfriend in a hotel for the weekend. ( second time so it's obviously not a one off).

Swanning around in his new car bought from our divorce settlement.
He has no job ( made redundant during lockdown) , lives with his mother and probably won't be able to get anywhere to live himself as he has a CCJ against him. He will likely have told her that I am the guilty partner who has kicked him out and left him destitute otherwise why would she be giving him a second glance? I fantasise about meeting up by accident and my telling her everything about him but that would just make me look like an unhinged ex.

So why then am I crying constantly, stomach churning, wondering where they are and what they are doing, what she is called, what she looks like. I picture them merrily laughing together and having a great time, torturing myself basically. I don't want him back for all the above mentioned reasons .

I suppose I am feeling terribly hurt that he has felt able to move on when I am nowhere near and don't go out to meet anybody anyway.
Initially we talked amicably but when I found out he had somebody new I couldn't deal with it and told him I would only contact him about arrangements for the dc. I don't go to the door when he picks the dc up as it hurts to see him. I really really have to try hard not to pick up the phone though and just have a chat or a text. But why should he have me chatting amicably and also his new girlfriend so that he's got the best of both worlds?
Will he be missing me, thinking about what I am doing or will he now put all thoughts of me to one side now he has somebody new?

Are these feelings normal? They are overwhelming and taking over my thoughts and it's not healthy. He doesn't deserve that space in my head.

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

I left my abusive exH. I still cried my eyes out when I found out he was going on a date a few months later. I guess when you're the one who pulls the plug on the relationship you technically know your ex will find someone else, but you forget it won't necessarily be to your schedule as to when you'll be emotionally ready for it.

It'll get easier, I promise. These post-separation firsts are always the hardest.

[Babdoc]

OP, you seem terribly over invested in this ex relationship, and are giving it far too much of your time and thought, to the point of obsession.
My advice to you, in the kindest possible way is - get a life!
Focus on friends, job, hobbies, activities, fun. Keep busy, keep distracted.
Don’t even think about possible future relationships, start seeing yourself as a whole person in your own right. Explore your own interests, build your self esteem so it doesn’t depend on having a man around to validate your existence.
You get one life. You can either spend it sobbing over some unworthy ex chap, or you can spend it enjoying new experiences, meeting people, being useful, learning new skills and being happy.
There may or may not be a new partner at some future point, but that should be a nice bonus, not a desperate necessity to fill an inner void.
Wipe your eyes, find your pride and self respect, and get out there and start living! Good luck, and God bless.

[Grandadwasthatyou]

@Babdoc .. I do feel as if my thoughts are becoming obsessive. But this damn virus has put an end to everything I had arranged to keep me distracted.
This weekend I had planned to meet up with friends in Edinburgh so that I would be completely distracted but our new local restrictions put an end to that. No visiting friends or relatives or anything to keep me otherwise occupied so it has been a terrible few days.
Every time I tell myself to stop thinking about him/them a picture pops straight up in my head!

[Grandadwasthatyou]

@MyCatHatesEverybody ...please reassure me that it does get better because every time I know he is with her it is torture. And I do get to know as he needs to change the day for seeing the dc.

[Aerial2020]

Be kind to yourself. You're still grieving.

This will pass, you have to give it time and go through the end of relationship process.
Self care. Lots of it.

[Brieminewine]

I can’t imagine how hard it is trying to get on with life as a newly single person in lockdown! I think you just need to remember the reasons why it ended and keep reminding yourself of that when you get the jealous/irrational thoughts about him and her. You dumped him for a reason and he’s hardly a catch he’s unemployed and living in his parents back bedroom! Try make plans with friends even a coffee date or lunch out, have things to look forward to and take it a day at a time. Get your nails done, book a massage, do some self care! I know you said your not ready to date but if you made a dating profile and had a couple chats with men that might help you see a future away from your ex. Good luck

[MyCatHatesEverybody]

@Grandadwasthatyou you're still in the very early days of separation and new partners appearing will always change the dynamic between you even if that partner doesn't interfere directly. It's also unsettling because seeing your ex find someone new can feel like it invalidates the pain you're going through...as if having someone interested in them makes you doubt yourself as to whether the problem lay with you, or you think well if they can be nice/reliable/trustworthy with their new partner why couldn't they have been like that with me?

Whilst I don't know what your future holds I was on a divorce and separation support forum whilst I was going through my divorce and made some real life friends through it, male and female. Nearly all of us were sworn off future relationships because of the pain we were in. Within 5 years the vast majority of us are remarried or in long term relationships (not that it took 5 years... just as a comparison).

[carreterra]

@Grandadwasthatyou
The fact that your'e still thinking about him shows that you are not cold hearted, but realistically, HE'S NO CATCH !
Just think on how he irritated or bored you before the end of the relationship, his new "girlfriend" will be subject to this boredom and irritation.
You say you don't want him back, for the reasons already outlined, maybe a part of you feels sorry for him, which isn't a crime. When you feel you want to text him or talk to him, go on MN instead, we will all talk you out of it.

[Grandadwasthatyou]

@carreterra ..thank you for your support. I thought I would be starting to feel better but I don't. I wake up numerous times through the night and sob. As I said upthread everything is compounded by the new local restrictions and I need my friends and family around me, not just on a computer screen.

He however is footloose and fancy free, ignoring restrictions and staying in hotels when she comes up to see him. I have had numerous texts and phone calls asking if he can come back. And I haven't wavered once.
I'm sure his new girlfriend would be delighted if she knew I was getting early hours texts. But of course she'll never know. I said she must have set a low bar if he has told her the full truth about everything and she still thinks it's worth travelling 6 hours. " I'm still a nice guy" he said.

I guess I'm just deeply hurt that he can move on so quickly, apparently. I told him that and his answer was " I don't do being alone"! I still think 6 months after a very long relationship isn't long enough but maybe that's just me.

And yes I do feel jealous that he is able to just up and swan off whenever he likes whereas I have my 2 dc , which due to one of them having Adhd is just about impossible to get a babysitter.