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How would you react to your young adult child if they said they were engaged?

(141 Posts)
Szyz2020 Wed 16-Sep-20 17:31:28

I don’t know why but I have an inkling that DD who has just turned 21 is about to get

OP’s posts: |
Szyz2020 Wed 16-Sep-20 17:35:54

Ok so that posted too soon ...

If your young adult dc said they were getting married would you genuinely be thrilled for them, would you secretly be worried but say nothing, or would you voice your doubts?

This is in the context of a relationship that has been going less than a year.

OP’s posts: |
Fidgety31 Wed 16-Sep-20 17:37:28

I would say congratulations.

They’re adults . Say anything different and you’ll likely be pushed out .

blametheparents Wed 16-Sep-20 17:40:19

Yep - I agree with @Fidgety31.
Unless you’ve got evidence of it being an an abusive relationship, but even then I’d probably still offer my congrats or you risk being further sidelined.

21 is not that young! I came on here expecting to see 17/18 and in year 13 at school.

Bunnymumy Wed 16-Sep-20 17:40:38

I'd say congrats, but advise their might be wise to have a long engagement.

TinySleepThief Wed 16-Sep-20 17:42:38

Congratulations is surely the only answer unless you suspect something abusive about the relationship.

21 is not actually that young, I was honestly expecting you to say the young adult was 18/19.

Emeeno1 Wed 16-Sep-20 17:46:28

Can you remember being 21? I would try to think back and imagine how I would have liked a parent to react.

Whether that reaction is *all *a parent thinks is the experience we have for being older. Your daughter doesn't have this yet, won't understand it and won't thank you for it.

ClarencesMum Wed 16-Sep-20 17:50:48

I was 19 when I told my mum and dad I was engaged. I dont know what they thought because they just hugged us, said congratulations and took us out for a drink to celebrate.

Got married 6 years later, still doing alright 12 years after that.

I dont know, I look at my 15 year old and think it's scary that he could meet someone in 3 years and be with them forever more. Then I know couples that have been together since they were 14/15.

It is patronising to presume they don't know what they want and older adults know best.

Love51 Wed 16-Sep-20 17:53:22

DH and I were a bit younger than that when we got engaged. He was worried people wouldn't take us seriously. I didn't really care!

Szyz2020 Wed 16-Sep-20 17:53:37

Thanks for your comments, I agree with you all. Just having to do some prep to ensure we look delighted. I know it’s not 18 but just turned 21, first serious relationship and not yet in it for a year, still at university for another 2 years (and being supported accordingly) feels young to me!

OP’s posts: |
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Wed 16-Sep-20 17:56:32

Husband and I have been together since we were 17. Engaged at 19 and married at 21. My son met his wife age 17, engaged a year later and married at 19. We celebrated with a big party and within weeks her mum and I were shopping for hats together!

Roselilly36 Wed 16-Sep-20 17:57:07

21 isn’t young, I was 17 when I got engaged! Still together & happy.

SoulofanAggron Wed 16-Sep-20 17:57:59

I think I would say to her that she hasn't known him long, but I'm not a mum or anything.

Maybe the compromise is to suggest they have a relatively long engagement? (I guess people do nowadays anyway to raise the money for the day, plus Corona is going to effect stuff.)

SoulofanAggron Wed 16-Sep-20 17:59:44

I suppose there are different types of engaged, i.e. some can just mean 'we'd like to get married at some point maybe' and a more 'real'/formal one where they start planning and set a date.

The first type, sort of 'teenage' type, is pretty harmless.

Pearsapiece Wed 16-Sep-20 18:02:56

I got engaged to dh when I was 19 on our 1 year anniversary. I was 20 when we got married. Its not for everyone but it was for me and I've never regretted it. Sometimes you just 'know'.
My siblings voice their opinions as did dh's (he is 8 years my senior) but both sets of parents were delighted. And if they did have concerns, they didn't voice them. If they had, It wouldn't have done any good. I wouldn't have changed my mind. If anything I'd have probably gone and married somewhere far away so they couldn't attend.
We are now 5 years in, second dc on the way and both families love their respective in law.

Flora20 Wed 16-Sep-20 18:07:32

Sounds pretty much the same situation as I was - met my now husband in first year of uni, got together at the end of the first year, got engaged and married halfway through third year, just before we turned 21. It wasn't at all something that I'd have expected myself to do and my family were surprised to say the least! I'd have happily lived together without being married to be honest, and financially later would have been better - but I don't regret it at all. We're now in our mid thirties with 2 children 🙂

JenniferSantoro Wed 16-Sep-20 18:12:49

21 is very young to be getting engaged especially if it’s her first relationship. How does she know he’s the one if she’s no other experience to compare him with. I think it’s really important you put your happy face on and don’t give your concerns away. It could be worse, she could be pregnant!!

Szyz2020 Wed 16-Sep-20 18:17:24

It’s lovely to hear happy stories of things that went well. DH and I met when I was 19 - but we didn’t move in until we’d been together for 3 years and got married about 5 years after that! So I do understand that you can meet your life partner relatively young - I’m just not sure why there’s a rush to formalise things.

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FreidaMind Wed 16-Sep-20 18:20:32

I was engaged at 31yrs and I’ve now been married 25yrs.
You should congratulate them because if you don’t the only person who could lose out is you.

FreidaMind Wed 16-Sep-20 18:23:36

Should say 21yrs and not 31. Soz

lurker2003 Wed 16-Sep-20 18:23:48

I was 19 when i got engaged after a very short relationship, my parents were nothing but supportive. However, I’d only said yes because I knew he’d end the relationship if I’d said no. So I wish my parents had said something to me.

abstractzebra Wed 16-Sep-20 18:25:33

I'd be pretty happy if either of mine got engaged.
They are 20 and 23 and both have really lovely partners.
I'd wonder if it was going to work out but that's because I'm divorced and being married is quite hard work!

daisypond Wed 16-Sep-20 18:26:36

It depends on their maturity and values. I have young relatives who got married at 20 while still at university. They’re a very good match.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet Wed 16-Sep-20 18:26:45

I was engaged at 20, after 13 days of dating. We got married 5 months later. That was 26 years ago.
My parents had tried to interfere in a previous relationship and been told sharply to back off, so they didn't offer an opinion. I know that they don't like my husband and consider him beneath them, but I don't care. Their opinion doesn't matter, since they are not in the marriage, I am.

Prettybubblesintheair Wed 16-Sep-20 18:27:30

I first got married at 20 and I was definitely far too immature and naive. Unsurprisingly that marriage ended disastrously but I did learn an awful lot from it. I’d be cautiously happy but also ready to support them if it all goes wrong if my young adult child got engaged.

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