Ending a stressful friendship - Help!

[Sunnygardens22]

Hi All,

i wouldn't usually come on here but think i need impartial and quite frankly people that dont know the individualconcerned to alleviate bias lol

An old friend of mine and I have grown distance in the past coupleof years to the degree that i got fed up of her actions that i deleted her number and just kinda got on with life. She has now reached out to me inviting herself over to "catch up"

First off all my gut was no due to covid but aside from that i really dontsee the need.

She has been a good friend for many years mostly until it all came to a head. She is a very strong character and does rub people up the wrong way. My family have all told me that to be quite frank they dont want to be around her. due to rue comments she has made when i am not round. I mostly ignored it as i know that not all people click, however the issue arose when i was about 37 weeks pregnant with DD2 and she had sent a message out to everyone that she was poorly and in hospital for her crohns disease.

This was early last year so before covid. The issue was i had the flu caught from DD1 from nursery and i couldntvisit her (hospital send no and DH forbid it). I sent flowers and tried to check in via whatsapp. She ignored me for about 5 days and then sent me a long message saying she was disappointed in me and suspected better from her friends. I told her again how ill and heavily pregnant i was and she ignored me again.

The passive aggression was annoying but i left it and had baby etc. I then saw her a few months later at a gathering and she went on to say how ill she was and that she was glad to have her friends around her. It bothered me but tbh so busy with a new baby i just left it and just stopped getting in contact.

I really dontsee the need to reignite all of this but she is pushing for a "catch up" but wont actually say what its about. I dont like confrontation and life is stressfullas it is with lockdown etc
Have any ideas on how i can dodge this bullet ? I have made a promise to myself to end all stressful and toxic relationships in my life.

Any help? sorry for the essay!!

[Coffeecak3]

Just say no, won't be meeting up.
And ignore.
If your 'friend' can't accept your perfectly fair explanation then she's not really a friend.
I blocked my bil in April and my dh and I have been married over 40 years.
I don't need people in my life who try to make me feel bad and neither do you.

[Ilovetheseventies]

It depends whether you like her enough to want to be friends. All friends fall out. She maybe contacting you to say sorry or move on.
One if my friends stopped speaking to me for about five years. She reached out and now years later its a really good friendship. Why don't you give it a go and see how it goes?

[username501]

When you say she makes rude comments, what kind of stuff is she saying? Some people are quite direct but may not mean to be rude or offend others. If she's intentionally rude, making snide digs at people, I wouldn't bother. If she's just a bit unfiltered but kind and has been a good friend, then I'd talk to her. Maybe she was hurt, didn't feel well and was being self absorbed, not seeing the situation from your perspective. Good friends are hard to find and sometimes we have to cut people some slack.

[TorkTorkBam]

Dodge the bullet? It isn't a court summons!

Are you after a good grey rock response to keep the drama down?

How is she is pushing for a "catch up" manifesting? Email, messaging, FB, through friends, green pen letters?

[Sunnygardens22]

@coffeecak3
I completely agree and that's why I have completely distanced myself as I apologised for days unnecessarily so to no response back.

[pickingdaisies]

Do you WANT her to be your friend? Because if you don't (and I wouldn't be keen) just say no thanks. You don't have to see her just because she's changed her mind for some reason. If you need an excuse tell her you're busy with the baby. (Toddler?) She really doesn't sound very nice - rude to your family?
Really think about how she was with you. How much was about her, and how much did she actually do for you?

[Sunnygardens22]

@Ilovetheseventies I understand and I do like her but im hesitant because I've enjoyed the peace and no drama. I don't think she wants to apologise I think she wants an opportunity to vent her frustration at me and I'm just not interested . I've seen her fall out with other people and she can be relentless

[OhCaptain]

Just ignore her. Block if you must. There’s not really any need for the angst is there?

[Sunnygardens22]

@username501 I don't believe you can be unfiltered and kind. Honestly say what you like but me mindful of peoples feelings and that's what I would say to her..

I cut her slack and then she does this passive aggressive ignoring stuff and I can't be bothered with that sort of behaviour anymore.

[Sunnygardens22]

@TorkTorkBam just a term of phrase. I guess I'm just looking for other perspectives

[username501]

Then block her OP. You obviously don't like her very much. Move on.

[Sunnygardens22]

@pickingdaisies I'm leaning towards the no.. but don't want to be heartless or unkind. Looking back the friendship was heavily on her benefit but I'm a no fuss person and super self sufficient and manage stuff on my own and do what I can for others but when I couldn't visit her that one time I was raked over the coals.

[Sunnygardens22]

@username501 if I didn't like her at all I wouldnt be deliberating. It's whether I can put up with the difficulties that come with it and be prepared for more of the same.

[username501]

I wouldn't want a friend that 'put up with me'. You are saying she's unkind and rude. Why on earth do you want a passive aggressive, unkind and rude friend? You say she's been a good friend on one hand then say she's nothing but drama. You sound like frenemies.

[TorkTorkBam]

[quote Sunnygardens22]@Ilovetheseventies I understand and I do like her but im hesitant because I've enjoyed the peace and no drama. I don't think she wants to apologise I think she wants an opportunity to vent her frustration at me and I'm just not interested . I've seen her fall out with other people and she can be relentless[/quote]
Given this, just send her some vague grey rock style message saying no.

[Sunnygardens22]

@username501 I think we all have 'put up with " aspects of everything and not everything is a deal breaker. Friendships take work . When I lost my father suddenly 10 years ago she was an excellent friend, these negative traits haven't always been there. She is not an frenemy at all. I've previously told her that her actions are sometimes not warranted however i cannot make someone change .

[celerystix]

Honestly I'd just say no and leave it at that. If she continues to message you, just ghost her. Not worth the time, hassle, or headspace.

[username501]

She's obviously changed from the kind supportive person she was to someone full of drama, who is rude, unkind and passive aggressive. We obviously have vastly different ideas of friendship and what we'll tolerate in a person. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone rude and unkind so I wouldn't meet her.

[BlueDream]

Can't you just block her? How close do you live to each other?

[Couchpotato3]

"I've enjoyed the peace and no drama...I think she wants an opportunity to vent her frustration at me and I'm just not interested...she can be relentless"

Just say no and continue to enjoy the peace and no drama!!

[Sunnygardens22]

Thanks for all of the advice all!

[Plentyofshit]

Hi - I had exactly the same issues with a very dominant old friend before lockdown. Her preferred method was to contact me by phone (I’d said texting was far easier for me with a baby) - but she continued to call so I just stopped answering. I haven’t ghosted, I’d reply if she sent me a message - but I would be very ‘cool’ - a short response, no questions. I feel a much greater sense of freedom now, it was absolutely the right choice.

[pickingdaisies]

Good luck OP!

[ilikemethewayiam]

It’s difficult OP, I have a similar friend. Over 40 years of friendship. We have so much history together and wonderful times over the years but She has become bitter over recent years due to being in a miserable emotionally abusive marriage that she will never leave. She has gradually lost all of her friends so I am getting it all. She wants to come visit for a few days and I’m so torn. I’m dreading it and want to say no on one hand but would love to see her on the other. I guess it’s the ‘old’ her I want to come visit. It’s not easy to just say no and block someone that means so much to you, even if they have changed so much. Sorry I don’t have any useful advice except I understand your conundrum!

[Sssloou]

If she had not made this contact with you, would you have made contact with her?

I expect not.

Some friendships run their course. She sounds v drama llama, rude and manipulative (ghosting) - I wouldn’t give someone who repeatedly treated me so shabbily any opportunity to do so again.

You need to get out of the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt which are ALWAYS the wrong emotions to make decisions on.

Unless you thought her approach made you think - brilliant, fantastic would love to catch up - don’t do it. Your gut is resisting for a reason.