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Starting to hate my ex. Is this healthy?

(31 Posts)
NeedtogoNC Wed 16-Sep-20 14:50:18

After 3 years of future faking and love bombing it dawned on me that he’s never going to change. So I left him despite him begging me to give it another chance. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and have spent the past fortnight wondering if I have been too hasty ending it.

Since I left, he’s not been in touch at all. This is despite him berating me for not wanting to stay in touch.

I’ve now finally plucked up the strength to block and go NC.

I’m starting to actually hate him now. Hate him for wasting 3 years of my life when he had no intention of taking things to the next level. He was too afraid of his ex wife to tell her about us. After 3 years. They divorced years before we met.

I am now seeing him as a spineless coward but I still love him despite starting to hate him.

Is this normal? I feel like I’m going mad.

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JoJoSM2 Wed 16-Sep-20 14:55:39

Sounds absolutely normal to me. I wouldn’t feel any different given the circumstances.
I’ve also hated a couple of exes while considering some others nice guys but just not right for me.
It’s all v fresh and it’s only been a fortnight so perfectly normal to be experiencing all sorts of emotions. As they say, breaking up is never easy.

user1481840227 Wed 16-Sep-20 15:42:55

Absolutely normal...and since it's early days after the break up you will probably cycle through feeling hatred, grief, feeling sorry for him and so on several times until hopefully you reach the point of being pretty much indifferent to his existence!

timetest Wed 16-Sep-20 15:49:40

I agree it’s normal and eventually hatred will tone down to dislike then indifference. Give it time.

NeedtogoNC Wed 16-Sep-20 15:50:34

I still think of him as being my absolute soulmate and if only he’d met me first he wouldn’t be stuck with his controlling ex still controlling his life long after their divorce. She uses the children against him and he’s so terrified of losing them that she says jump and he says how high. The crazy thing is that the youngest is 27 and the oldest nearly 35!

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madcatladyforever Wed 16-Sep-20 15:53:39

Yes it's completely normal, I had a good long period of hating my useless exes and then felt much better and could move on happily.

timetest Wed 16-Sep-20 15:53:54

They are not children, they are adults who can make up their own minds. At their ages, they don’t need their mother as gatekeeper. It sounds like an excuse for being weak.

NeedtogoNC Wed 16-Sep-20 16:15:40

He would say things like I was everything he’d ever hoped for and more, that he loved me beyond anything he’d imagined. But he couldn’t choose me over his children. I never asked him to!

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NeedtogoNC Wed 16-Sep-20 16:16:15

Last thing he said was that I deserved so much more than he gives me and I agreed and left.

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MashedSweetSpud Wed 16-Sep-20 16:18:05

What timetest said.

Dontletitbeyou Wed 16-Sep-20 16:19:43

His ex wife is controlling him because he is allowing it . He is more to blame than she is . His kids are adults anyway , what could she do , it’s not like she could make it difficult for him to see them .He sounds weak and lacking in any assertiveness , not great qualities . Since you’ve left he’s not tried to get in touch , that says it all , Accept that your emotions will be all over the place , it’s all pretty new . In time you really will see that you did right in walking away . You have allowed an opportunity for the right person to come into your life , which couldn’t have happened while you were chained to your now ex .

stonesandbark Wed 16-Sep-20 16:19:47

OMG he's pathetic.

Theforest Wed 16-Sep-20 16:19:53

Why did he even have contact with ex if divorced and kids were adults??

username501 Wed 16-Sep-20 16:21:32

He was scared of losing contact with a 27 and 35 year old! I've heard it all now.

timetest Wed 16-Sep-20 16:27:36

He couldn’t choose you over his children? They are not children.

Itwasaquarterpast11 Wed 16-Sep-20 16:29:34

The man is a sad sack. If his adult children wanted to see him, they would. Stop putting this on the ex wife and see him for the spineless whiner he is.

NeedtogoNC Wed 16-Sep-20 16:34:25

I know he’s a weak spineless coward but I still keep making excuses for him. Urgh! I wish I’d never got involved but I did truly love him and believed he loved me too. But if there’s one thing I know is that if a man wants to be with you, he’ll be with you. And that should make walking away easier but it doesn’t. sad

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NeedtogoNC Wed 16-Sep-20 16:55:51

Why do they do it? Future fake and promise the world but when it comes down to it, can’t go through. Why not just be upfront from the beginning and say they can’t commit but that they want to casually date. At least give me the choice. Some women only want a casual relationship too. Why not go for those women instead of someone who actually wants a partner?

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SoulofanAggron Wed 16-Sep-20 17:02:00

It's completely natural and healthy. Anger is stigmatized, especially for women, but it's a coompletely normal response to being abused and screwed over by a wanker.

We're supposed to have forgotten about it the next day- it doesn't work like that, especially if they've treated/are continuing to treat us awfully.

Why do they do it? Future fake and promise the world but when it comes down to it, can’t go through.

Where's the fun in that for narcs and wankers? Screwing someone over/deceiving people is part of the fun for them.

If you keep going over it all in your mind, you might like to go to therapy to get your head around it (not that there's anything wrong with how you're feeling, but it might bring you some peace if you need it.)

username501 Wed 16-Sep-20 17:08:31

OP you can only blame him for so much. You have agency here as well, unless he kept you locked up in the shed. When he told you that he had to run around after his ex or she'd stop contact with adult children, didn't that ring any alarm bells? That perhaps, that wasn't true at all and he was making up stuff to avoid commitment?

I know you're angry and I would be too. Bloody awful, childish behaviour. However, maybe there's a lesson here for next time. Have a firm idea of what you want out of a relationship and, if that is not happening after a reasonable amount of time, cut and run. Don't listen to someone making up ludicrous reasons for not wanting to commit.

NeedtogoNC Wed 16-Sep-20 17:12:00

Have a firm idea of what you want out of a relationship and, if that is not happening after a reasonable amount of time, cut and run. Don't listen to someone making up ludicrous reasons for not wanting to commit.

I have done exactly this. Three years too late but I did it. But it physically hurts because I truly loved him. And the only way I can get over it is to hate him. I don’t want to hate him but if I continue being understanding of him and his issues, I’ll never get over him.

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NeedtogoNC Wed 16-Sep-20 17:12:23

It just hurts so fucking much

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username501 Wed 16-Sep-20 17:14:34

I know sweetie. I know it hurts. He's a great big fat wank twat. I'm sorry he hurt you.

NeedtogoNC Wed 16-Sep-20 17:17:10

I hate that he thinks of himself as such a catch but actually he’s a weasel. How dare he give me the option of only being the OW. He wasn’t even married and I felt like the OW.

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PeachForTheStars Wed 16-Sep-20 18:26:16

He's led you up the garden path for three years and you've got rid so now you can relaunch yourself and find someone with a backbone. I was incredulous when I read the ages of his children - I expected them to be 4 and 6 or something. Honestly you've done the right thing (albeit not as soon as you should) so get on that internet and find a decent man not a spineless wimp.

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