Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
What should I do?(36 Posts)
I've (23F) been with this guy (28) for about 1.5 months. There have been little things that he has been saying casually or in a joking manner which sort of worried me but I'm not sure if they are "red flags".
1) He asked about my income and savings a few of times and each time I refused to tell him the details because it's irrelevant to me. He also (in a joking manner) asked me to cover more than half of bills that we may have ie dates as I earn more than he does. He has never disclosed to me how much he makes. I don't really care either.
2) After I agreed to be in a committed relationship, the outings to dinner and movies kind of stopped. We went out of town for a little weekend holiday but that was the most exciting thing we've done together since being together. I mentioned to him that maybe we need to be more romantic. Dinners and movies out, dating ect. Otherwise we're stuck in a routine of just cooking dinner at his place everytime we see each other. He said something along the lines of " I got you now, I can relax". Also said in a casual and joking tone of voice. Despite the fact that I am happy to split bills and he knows that.
3) I don't mean to sound like a spoiled princess, but during the time that I've been with him, there were no little gifts such as flowers that you might expect in early "honeymoon" stages of a relationship. I don't expect expensive gifts but it's nice when you're being treated occasionally and you treat them back.
4) he expects me to tell my friends that he is my bf but wouldn't tell his friends or family about me. He was keen to meet my family early on and he has met them. A couple of times that we bumped into his friends, he wouldn't introduce me at all. I was just like on a sideline.
5) On the topic of gifts and dates out, from early days I noticed that he would recieve parcels from online shopping almost every week, but would tell me how he is struggling to budget and maybe how I should pay more than him.
I didn't bring up the financial and gifts part of this rant because I don't want him to think that that's all I want. But I just feel like I'm not dating a boyfriend but rather a friend. I can buy s* for myself, that's not a problem, but being in a relationship, I do have a desire to be treated to these things occasionally without having to ask.
I have feelings for him but I am also trying to process the situation as objectively as possible because if that's how it's going to continue to be, I can't see a potential future with him. Or am I being too harsh?
Any advice or perspective would really help.
Cut your losses, sounds like you're being used.
If he's this crap a boyfriend after 6 measly weeks, why on earth would you expect it to get better. Ditch him and don't feel guilty for doing it.
Absolute definite red flags!
I'm married and still have separate bank accounts, and neither of us know how much is in each other's banks and neither of us mind.
Of course if he was to ask me now I wouldn't mind telling him etc. But only a few weeks in I find it rude and cheeky!
Sounds arrogant and possibly controlling.
What do you get out of this relationship now?
If this is what he is like after a mere six weeks then I suggest you cut your losses now and end this so called relationship. The red flags here are waving strongly.
Don't let him move in with you, has he already asked.
He’s no friend either to you let alone a boyfriend.
Throw this one back into the pool from where he came.
Do also read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft and love your own self for a change.
1.5 months? So 6 weeks? He's not a boyfriend he's a man you are dating and he's falling way short. Never ever decide a man is your boyfriend after 6 weeks. Just don't. It's far too quick.
No he hasn't. But he knows that I am saving up for a house whilest I'm living at home. He has mentioned fleetingly that in future we can live together in the house that I will technically buy and how he will help me with mortgage. This was said as a 'dreamy' plan for future.
Some context: I was in my early 30s when I met DH, he had more disposable income so if he wanted me with him on a night out he paid, otherwise I couldn't afford to go.......he was fine with this, took me 9 months to mention I had a bit of cash for a house deposit only in bank end of conversation. He wasn't insulted I hadn't told him until then, it was becoming serious at that point, he was relieved "we" had a deposit.
He never asked about money.
We have bought a house together, my deposit his salary, we needed each other. Blah blah.
You are 23.
Keep your assets as yours until you are sure.
Men without ambition are boring. Men who want to freeload are boring. So are women actually.
He sounds boring already. You could have much more fun.
“1.5 months” is a mere 6 weeks and not a “committed relationship”.
Get out of this now and maybe fo some work on your own boundaries cos it sounds like you are being railroaded by him.
He wants to sit in and watch Netflix after only 6 weeks and he’s in his 20’s? My husband and I used to go out on a ‘date’ at least once a week right up until the day before I gave birth to our son, which was after 5 years together and in our late 30’s. Don’t settle for someone so boring
YANBU. He sounds a bit of a twat in all sorts of ways.
He doesn't sound like he cares for you in the same way, not introducing you to his mates when your in front of them is a red flag, he doesn't see you as his girlfriend. I've had this before, it's rude and awkward.
He's also very tight and boring by the sound of it.
Tell him to get stuffed and dump him. He isnt worth the hassle. You should be out having a great time at your age not propping up this fool.
1.5 months, I thought it was a typo at first? Dump and move on, he's not a boyfriend
He doesn't sound great but to be fair you do sound a but princess-like. My DH only gave me gifts outside of anniversary/birthdays when I was ill or had a bereavement in my family. I never expected any. Also its not all wine and dine. Once you're in a committed relationship, date nights will vary. We go out for dinner fortnightly, movies/bowling once a month. You're still young and it shows with your expectations
Cut your losses, sounds like you're being used.
I was about to type the same.
It could be a case that you have told him too much. When he’s asking you about what you earn you ought to ask him the same and watch his face!
Just get rid.
Six weeks and he thinks he’s ‘got you now’ and can relax.
This will be your life forever if you stay with him. At least you know now.
If you are 1.5 months into a relationship and putting a post on mumsnet and that post is not one of:-
“Cystitis from too much shagging”
“Jaw ache from too much inane grinning”
“In trouble at work from too much happy daydreaming”
Then that is a good reason to end the relationship on my view.
Sounds like my ex. Nice dates in the beginning, he earned 5 x as much as me so paid for more of them. Then after a few months ... zero. He wanted 50/50 paying of everything even though I earned much less & have two kids to support. No romantic stuff. Made me feel bad about asking. Happily took as much as he could from me. The man was a rinser and yours sounds like one too. Get rid, he’s controlling and mean and I bet he will turn abusive. Mine did!
Cocklodger in training. You can do better.
Please login first.