a friendship one - down to me to save it?

[flowerpot628]

(hope this is the right forum for this - and sorry in advance for the essay). My best friend and I have been friends since we were 11 (we are now 23). Our personalities are quite different - she's very extroverted, puts herself out there and can sometimes be quite erratic. I'm much more introverted and like a quiet life. But we get on really well and we've always been so supportive of each other.

She's had a hard time with various things recently and is also now out of a job. I've done my best to listen to her and be there for her. She's got a friend who seems to be a fairly bad influence and everytime they go out they're always doing lines of cocaine and doing all nighters. Not particularly something I'd be into but whatever, I sit there listening to all her stories. She goes on about it an awful lot.
As for me, I'm currently going through a 5 year break up and things have been really hard. She's been coming round to listen to me, I've cried to her and she's helped me clean my flat when things have been too much. She's been really good.

On Saturday I had some of my uni friends over for a party/some drinks out. I invited her too as she knows them all. We were really excited for it. On the night out she sits there moody, glued to her phone. She tells me she's really bored and everyone is boring, and that I'm ignoring her by talking to my other friends. She then goes off, does coke on her own in the toilets and comes back, then makes subtle hints about coke where she can (she thought my friends necklace was a coke spoon/she was asking everyone for a fiver/making me promise to try some - which I didn't - etc).

We decide to go back to my flat for more drinks. Annoyingly, I forgot my keys!!!! Everyone moaned a bit at first but my friends said it'd be okay, I can get a spare key in the morning. We all ended up having a laugh about it and my friend lives down the road so she said we could all stay there. Apart from my friend - she stood there, arms crossed, face like a slapped arse, saying how unfair this was on her and it was irritating for her. My friends said yes it's irritating for everyone but it's not about anyone, it's just one of those things.
Anyway, she storms off dramatically, gets in her car and drink drives home!!!!!

The next day she comes to get her things, completely ignores me and storms out.
She then sends a barrage of texts saying how HER night was ruined and she'd rather die than spend a night with my boring friends. I said about the coke and said I know things are hard but if you're resorting to that during some casual drinks then I'm here for her if she needs me. She went on to call me a patronising c, I can go f myself, I should look in the mirror to see who has issues and that I've made these whole few weeks all about me (been talking about the break up). She then blocks me on all social media. She's very very stubborn so I won't hear from her now.

Now I'm really really bloody hurt because she has been my best friend for 13 years and she's the only close friend I have. Also on top of my break-up this has hit me like a ton of bricks and it's all too much. But I don't know whether to reach out because I feel like she's been really out of line. What does everyone think I should do next?

[Redraptor]

Wow, ignore her. You said shes stubborn and you wont hear from her, this would definitely be for the best. I'm sure she will get in touch. Try and focus on your other friendships and you for a bit. You've had a tough breakup, distract yourself with things you enjoy

[username501]

She sounds like an arsehole OP. I can't imagine a friend calling me a cunt. Disgusting behaviour. She was rude to your friends, she drank drove home, she did coke which was completely inappropriate and then she called you a cunt and blocked you on social media. She threw your offer of help in your face.

I'm not sure if there is anywhere to go from here.

[Sssloou]

Wow with a friend like this who needs enemies?

How do you feel about her behaviour? Is it acceptable? Is it kind and respectful?

Where are your limits and personal boundaries? If you feel bad or even confused it means that someone has overstepped your mark / boundary and you need to take action to emotionally protect yourself.

She is toxic, dysfunctional and abusive.

Sounds like she has brewed herself up a nice little addiction.

Coke heads are the most selfish and irrational people. There is no point talking to her.

Take her rejection as a gift.

Keep well away. Your lifestyles, values and behaviours are no longer compatible.

Know your worth. Hang with your kinder, warmer friends.

What is the background to the 5 year break up - did it just fizzle out - or was there an element of exploitation and abuse here as well?

[flowerpot628]

Thanks everyone - it's really reassuring to hear that you guys think that! It's tricky because I valued her friendship before and I feel like I should do something to help, but at the same time I didn't exactly do anything wrong?

@Sssloou it just fizzled out more like a friendship and it's really sad because nothing bad happened, and we still really care about each other so it's really hit me hard x

[flowerpot628]

I really feel like I should be reaching out if she's struggling so much, but I also know she treated me awfully? I'm so stuck

[username501]

OP just leave it. She's treating you with contempt and she'll continue to do so if you let her walk all over you.

You're currently going through a hard time with the end of your relationship. Why isn't your 'friend' tying herself in knots wondering how to help you? I would let this go and move on.

[Itsseweasy]

Sounds like she was annoyed that she couldn’t make the evening about her and was jealous of your other friends sharing your attention. She’s no friend.
I also wonder whether she’s been so supportive during your break up recently because it makes her feel better about herself rather than being an amazing friend.
Sorry I don’t mean to sound negative but it’s clearly a friendship of convenience for her - definitely don’t reach out, she’s expecting that and she won’t respect you for it.

[TorkTorkBam]

Put your energy into building more and better friendships elsewhere.

[Guardsman18]

It'll be the coke - I guarantee it x

[AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit]

You've outgrown each other. Just let it fizzle out.

[Periclement43]

@Guardsman18 100% this! I don't think it's realised just how much it changes people!

Sending you a virtual hug OP! Maybe concentrate on yourself and feeling happy again for the moment and hopefully your friend will reach out once she's had some time to calm down and put things into perspective.

[Sssloou]

I am glad that there was nothing toxic to end your RS. But it was a massive part of your formative years - so some gentle grieving and reflection to come to terms with it is your priority now. There’s a new chapter to explore.

I wonder if you look back closely over the years at your friendship if this “erratic and extrovert” character at any time took advantage of your gentle introversion and you excused or tolerated her behaviours?

Don’t reach out to her. She doesn’t want it or need it. Reach inside to you right now.

[feistyoneyouare]

She's changed. It must hurt, but you're better off without her.

[Lonoxo]

It’s tough when you have such a long history but you are clearly on different paths. I agree that you need to work on your boundaries. Nobody should treat you like that. Maybe she will change and you’ll find yourselves on similar wavelength later on but for now, I will leave well alone. You are still very young and no doubt, you will grow and develop over the years. Maybe it’s time to find some friends with similar values.

[newnameforthis123]

Ex addict here. She's probably doing it more than you think and it's turned her into a cunt.

You DID try to fix it, you were kind and lovely to her even after she did one of THE most selfish things people can do - drink driving.

You have already tried.

She rejected you.

I would leave her alone, if she stops using and starts making better decisions then she'll come back to you with apologies and you can decide whether or not to accept them.

In the meantime, focus on you. As someone with my share of past trauma, addiction and MH issues - my mental health needs do not trump anyone else's, just as hers do not trump yours.

[PurpleTrilby]

In short, big fat no. She's a coke head and you're not. Just don't bother with it now, wasted energy if you do. I'm sorry. Be glad you're not a coke head. You won't get the shitty come down. She will. Trust me, it's not nice.

[Sunflower1970]

You have tried to patch it up. She is out of order. As someone who also has current issues with my best friend I feel your pain. Keep your distance, you have your pride. If she is a true friend she will unblock you and apologise. If she doesn’t she wasn’t as good a friend as you thought. As someone else said. You sound like nice person, put your energies into finding a new best friend who respects and cherishes you.

[Krampusasbabysitter]

She is a total thundercunt. Longevity of friendship does not mean quality. Dump her and focus on the decent people in your life.

[flowerpot628]

Wow thanks everyone! Reassuring to see you're all on the same page as me haha. I do reckon the coke is having an influence but thinking about it, she has fallen out with a lot of close friends over the years.
It appears she's unblocked me on Instagram and weirdly liked an old photo of me and my now ex - probably to upset me or to provoke a reaction - safe to say I will nooooot be following again!
Time to focus on myself

[Sssloou]

The more you say about HER the more you can see she is problematic. You are a gentle quiet introverted person so it has taken some time for her to crash into you.

Always look above, around and behind people to see what they are like - are they “High Conflict Personalities” - do they have many long term friends - what is their pattern of relating etc.

[Krampusasbabysitter]

I would block her now instead. This is not a healthy friendship. Even if she had been nice in some parts, it doesn't buy her the right to treat you as an emotional punching bag. She is doing the classic narcissistic hovering. It's very childish, akin to someone flouncing, slamming the door, then coming back and stomping their foot.

[cameocat]

Coke turns you into a foul being. You don't need that in your life.

Focus on the good things in your life, work hard at uni, maybe see if you can join a club or take up a new skill or sport. You'll meet new people and keep yourself busy, sport in particular good for the mental health.

Your friend doesn't deserve your kindness right now.

[flowerpot628]

Thank you everyone 🤍 it is true that on reflection she has fallen out with a lot of people over the time I've known her - she also has a very unstable family life. I think because I'm quite introverted and sensitive I'm probably an easy target!
I'm still baffled at her liking some of my pictures of me and my now ex, it's almost as if she's purposely trying to upset me whilst I'm trying to heal from it?

[Sssloou]

Yes you can assume negative intent on the likes given her last interactions with you.

She wants a reaction - either to upset you or for you to get angry or limp off hurt.

Give her neither. I wouldn’t even block her on SM (yet) because even that is a reaction.

Given her family background, her relationship/friendship history, her addiction and her recent behaviour to you - I would give her a v wide berth - she sounds unstable, toxic and vindictive.

Really move on quietly with your own life and don’t look back.

[flowerpot628]

You're absolutely right! I've not reacted to anything, not blocked her or anything - for all she knows I haven't even noticed and am getting on with my own life