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Found tinder on OHs fone!😥

(117 Posts)
Mushyheadmuddythoughts Wed 16-Sep-20 10:47:57

Not really sure what im looking for here a hand hold advice or just venting before i lose backstory OH has been acting weird for a few months now we ve been together nearly 20years and ive NEVER suspected him of cheating. Recently hes been gettin up during the night(insomnia he says) and sitting in the lounge. When i waken up and check on him hes on his phone and quickly closes his phone and looks guilty. I let it go the first few times then i confront him after ALOT of talking he admits to watching porn i personally dnt have a problem with this. But this week i borrowed his phone when i type into the google search bar the 2nd thing that pops up is tinder! I was soo shocked but i didnt say anything i thought anyone can click on an ad by accident. So the nxt day i use his phone again and check through his apps hes got the app last used in july! He cant have been meeting people we ve been together 24/7 almost because of lockdown and us both sheilding what would you do? Confront him? Or accept its probably been a bit of dirty talk and not taken any further?!

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Mushyheadmuddythoughts Wed 16-Sep-20 10:56:08


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awsomer Wed 16-Sep-20 11:00:37

I would look at his search history on his phone.

awsomer Wed 16-Sep-20 11:00:49

Sorry his internet history I mean.

Mum4Fergus Wed 16-Sep-20 11:03:31

Would 'a bit of dirty talk' be acceptable to you?

AriettyHomily Wed 16-Sep-20 11:03:35

Dirty talk / videos it depends what you're comfortable with. How much is he spending??

TheGirlWithAPrince Wed 16-Sep-20 11:11:02

Did you not log onto the app?

seensome Wed 16-Sep-20 11:12:23

He's probably using it as an ego boost if you say he's always home, I would be upfront and tell him you've found out, he's clearly not happy in the relationship and a serious talk is needed.

Mushyheadmuddythoughts Wed 16-Sep-20 11:42:09

@awsomer i looked at the history he has been on porn sites and i think webcam sites

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Turnedouttoes Wed 16-Sep-20 11:43:36

Can’t you open the app and look at his conversations?

Mushyheadmuddythoughts Wed 16-Sep-20 11:43:52

@Mum4Fergus i dont know i just feel soo confused atm im worried hes been having emotional affairs but then i cant see him doing that to me but a couple of months ago i couldnt imagine him going on tinder i dont know what to believe anymore

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Mushyheadmuddythoughts Wed 16-Sep-20 11:44:43

@AriettyHomily i dont know if hes spending money we have seperate finances

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Mushyheadmuddythoughts Wed 16-Sep-20 11:46:20

@TheGirlWithAPrince i didnt have a chance to he was in the toilet when i quickly looked on his phone i ll try looking tonight

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Mushyheadmuddythoughts Wed 16-Sep-20 11:48:53

@seensome this is whats worrying me about confronting him i think i can accept if he wanted an ego boost i dont want to throw away 20years over some dirty talk with a stranger but i feel like the trust is gone also scared he might tell me something i dont want to hear that he wants to leave me..god i sound pathetic dont i?!

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Fuckityfucksake Wed 16-Sep-20 12:01:14

It depends what your boundaries are.
For me that would be a step too far. I wouldn't accept my dh using Tinder nor any other form of communication/dating/hook up app for a bit of 'dirty talk'
Regardless of whether you view it as cheating, it's disrespectful to you and your marriage.

heymacaroner Wed 16-Sep-20 12:02:25

I'm a bit surprised about your saying you got him to 'admit' to watching porn. Obviously everyone has differing views on whether porn is acceptable but I don't think many people would consider it cheating? Personally I wouldn't.
You also seem to look at his phone quite a lot. Have you been cheated on before? Has he previously given you a reason not to trust him?
As for the tinder aspect, I think the only thing you can do is talk to him and ask him to explain why it's there. You'll know from his reaction whether he's hiding something from you. The fact he has the app but still lets you use his phone means he's either very clumsy at hiding things or there's more to it?

Mum4Fergus Wed 16-Sep-20 12:03:12

You don't sound pathetic at all. You've been placed in an unenviable position by someone who you love and respect. Only you know what you find acceptable or unacceptable behaviour from him.

Mushyheadmuddythoughts Wed 16-Sep-20 12:15:27

@Fuckityfucksake i wouldnt say i accept him doing it as in im happy about it but 20 years is a long time to be together and i dont know if i want to end things over it..but like i said on the other hand can i ever trust him again? i just dont know

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RunningFromInsanity Wed 16-Sep-20 12:15:38

You need to look on the app. See what his profile says, see if he’s been messaging girls etc

PremierInn Wed 16-Sep-20 12:16:55

Honestly, I would confront him now, remind him what you find to be unacceptable behaviour and tell him you will leave if he has an affair

The sad thing is that he will probably continue. I don't know why people sometimes ignore these warnings. They usually keep going, get caught, have a lot of regret, but it seems hard to convince them of that at the time

I would also have one eye to a future without him. No bad thing to be a bit prepared. Some separate savings. Get yourself in amazing shape and make sure you have your own friends and social life as well as joint friends and joint socialising. Full time job. Build your career

Mushyheadmuddythoughts Wed 16-Sep-20 12:26:55

@heymacaroner i have no problem with him watching porn but i suspected he was messaging people so i confronted him and he took a long time to admit he was watching porn i think he was embaressed but now im wonder was he on tinder?

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Mushyheadmuddythoughts Wed 16-Sep-20 12:29:14

Hes never cheated before i only looked on his phone recently when he started acting suspiciously @Mum4Fergus thank you for understanding ive never been this person doubting myself i dont to be this person is he gaslighting me?

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Thewiseoneincognito Wed 16-Sep-20 12:29:17

I’ll say two things:

1) consider letting him live in his fantasy land. If it’s all tinder and porn then it’s not really different to me looking on rightmove at the million pound houses.

2) take a good look at yourself. Not for his sake but for yours, have a back up plan as @PremierInn says, get in great shape and then you will have the confidence to let him carry on his dreams if he wishes but you have yours too. If he wants spark then it’s only natural, if he isn’t sparking for you though then plan to move on in time but on your terms.

Mushyheadmuddythoughts Wed 16-Sep-20 12:32:45

@PremierInn have you had anything similiar happen to you i would have never thought in a million years id find this and not confront him but i guess im in shock and trying to think what my next move is careful..i need to be clear in my own mind what im willing to accept

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Mushyheadmuddythoughts Wed 16-Sep-20 12:34:23

@Thewiseoneincognito all of this is making me think have i done something wrong has he gone off me?

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