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(17 Posts)
IansGal2512 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:39:18

Hello x
Married 20 years, two young children. Not quite teens. Feeling unhappy for some years. Raised it with DH various times and very little changes. On surface all ok. No abuse arguments etc. Am the stronger one who leads and organises everything. I pay 50% everything, work full time yet feel I do 100% of everything else.
Lack of support in this workload raised many times over years with him. Sometimes a week or so of change, then reverts.
No passion, I stop initiating sex (was mainly always the one to do that) and he gave up...i have been faithful to him without sex or kissing or cuddling for last 8 years. Faithful while married life. But prior to 8 years ago we had some sex. Sex never been off the chart. Been ok. Mainly disappointing for me.

Have now said I want to separate as I really feel life too short. DH tells me he cannot be without me, I am his world etc. He is devastated. Has started doing loads at home, in house etc to show willing. I am appreciative but I know this does not mean it is going to be what I feel I need. Someone who makes me lust after them and who does for me. We did have sex, but it was never all consuming in the early days. Someone who stands up for me. Someone who sees 'us' as a team. Someone who makes me laugh. I have not laughed in so long. Life no longer funny for me and I feel like all I do is take care of everyone else. I have no joy left. Don't feel needed, just that I am useful. DH spends hours on mobile. Sat doing nothing while I run around like a loon getting everything done. Have booked counselling.
Those limited friends who know now think oh poor him, 20 years worth working on. I should give it longer.
I do not want to hurt him. Is a good friend. But that is all we are. Friends. Flatmates.
I am so confused. Feel so alone and feel like no matter what I do, I am going to be the bad guy for upsetting him, even though he admits knowing I have been unhappy for years, yet has done nothing about it.
Just wanted a place to vent. Sorry. Feeling very alone and desperately sad. X

OP’s posts: |
RachelHRD Tue 15-Sep-20 21:03:45

Your situation sounds very familiar. I felt very similar, although I don't think we were even friends, and he had ignored all of the signs for so long.
My Mum died when she was 57, and as I was approaching my 49th birthday, I realised that if I didn't do something about it I'd potentially lose the chance of being happy again and 10 years down the line would regret it.
I called time on the relationship on 1st Jan 2019, moved into my own place in the June and have been in a relationship with someone who gives me everything I've been missing for all that time, for the last 14 months.
My kids 10 and 12 coped well with it, my ex took it really badly and was a nightmare until thankfully he met someone. We are all so much happier.
If you feel counselling will help get the relationship back on track and it's what you want go for it, but don't just do it for his sake. You only get one life and you deserve to be happy.

IansGal2512 Tue 15-Sep-20 21:26:17

Thank you so much. I'm glad it worked out so well for you and great to hear it did for children and ex too. I don't want him to be unhappy. This makes me feel very positive about the future. Feel so low right now

OP’s posts: |
RachelHRD Tue 15-Sep-20 21:36:57

Big hugs, it's a tough decision, but was absolutely the right one for me, and I wish I'd done it sooner. My ex never made me laugh or got my sense of humour, and years of that took it's toll. I have a great laugh with my new partner and the difference in how it makes me feel is amazing, plus super hot chemistry in the bedroom, which was always infrequent and disappointing with ex.
Don't worry about what other people think, they aren't living your life and they don't know the struggles. You have to do this for you, and your kids. I was certain that my kids would be so much better off with separated but happier parents than warring ones. I was also aware of how unhealthy a relationship role model we were showing them. There have been difficult times, but I can tell they are much happier now.
Take care of yourself x

Livandme Tue 15-Sep-20 22:04:22

I could have written your post although we were not really friends.
I've separated and starting the process of divorce quite soon. (wanted to get kids back into school)
I do have tough days and do still cry on occasion. A lot of that is because of the uncertainty and because I do still carry as much of the burden as before and it can be hard.
But me and the kids are a great team and we have started laughing a lot more and having fun.

Take one day at a time and don't expect support from everyone. I found that hurtful too.
Best of luck

bebarkered Wed 16-Sep-20 22:57:47

Hi OP x. I know you don't want to hurt him, and, I can tell that you're a fabulous person, but, the future is YOURS. You MUST put yourself first from this day forward. What he's offering you is just too little too late. Listen to your gut, then you'll know what to do, it won't lie to you xxx

vanillavelvet Tue 06-Oct-20 14:55:44

Hi OP, I was wondering how you're getting on? I feel the same way you do but haven't spoken to my (D)H about it... yet. I think it's too late to believe anything can change, after 16 years of marriage, so when I have that conversation that will be it.

Glitterbugblue Tue 06-Oct-20 20:08:21

I am about to go down that road, have been married for 12 years and have two young boys. We have a nice house on a nice road and enough money...things we have not always had, but more often than not, I feel completely disconnected. I would have called it a day a long time ago but felt I needed to try everything to fix it. I have tried so hard. It is going to break my heart to hear the words leaving my mouth and my husband will resist like crazy but it just isn't working. He isn't going to be that person who will love me when I am old and grey and have only my humour and passion for life to offer. He rarely likes a photo taken of us together now. Wishing all those about to press that button Peace, Freedom.and above all Strength.

Glitterbugblue Tue 06-Oct-20 20:11:42

Vanillavelvet....thinking of you and OP. This
feels worse than having IVF...worse than my worst exam or the biggest bollocking at school....I am going to feel sick...I am going to feel wretched no doubt...but then I am going to emerge out of the other side. I wish you both the other side. Xxx

bebarkered Tue 06-Oct-20 20:44:58

Hi Glitterbugblue. I hope that you will be able to find the strength to put yourself first and do what's right for you. Do you know your own worth? X

Glitterbugblue Wed 07-Oct-20 09:49:29

BB ....thank you. I have to keep constantly reminding myself of my is easy to put everyone else's need first hoping they'll do the same for you. Yes, I know my own worth, but it takes work to keep it topped up smile

bebarkered Wed 07-Oct-20 10:07:47

I completely understand where you're coming from, so hard for a woman to be able to put herself first. Waiting to be appreciated, I waited for that to happen for ten years xxx

Glitterbugblue Wed 07-Oct-20 12:07:56

I have got a plan in place. I will try and update if I feel ready to. Thanks for the support BB. I hope you are in a good place x

bebarkered Wed 07-Oct-20 12:56:36

Here's wishing you lots of GOOD LUCK Glitterbugblue X

NeedABackbone Wed 07-Oct-20 13:15:50

This is exactly my position. Married 22 yrs and last October said I wanted to leave for all the same reasons plus too much drinking, lying in bed at weekends, no social life etc. DH was devastated. Stopped drinking and upped his game with housework etc. Couldnt do enough. A year on...he has went back to doing nothing! He has now taken up a sport and still hasnt drank - his life is wonderful now and Im just plodding along. Care for him deeply but think any loving feelings have gone - still full of resentment and still feel incredibly low. Sorry I can't offer you an answer but send lots of love and hope you make the right decision 💗

Glitterbugblue Thu 08-Oct-20 07:33:47

NABB....its so hard to call time when there is no one thing to point to...but it is a slow grinding death for me if I carry on in this relationship. Husand is in bits and saying everything I want to hear but I know it won't change because I have been here before too many times. It just doesn't sit right with my logic and reason. It's hard to see him in pain but I have been in slow grinding pain for years. I need to help myself now. Smoking like a chimney and taking one hour at a time. Taking kids to school. Good luck NABB. You have a lot of worth and you are stronger than you think.

Glitterbugblue Thu 08-Oct-20 07:34:19

BB...thank u xxxx

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