Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Will this relationship blossom?

31 replies

PepperSprays · 15/09/2020 17:57

Pregnant after 4 months of dating someone on and off. I told him I was pregnant after 8 months as I hadn’t heard from him and wasn’t sure what to do.

He was there when I had the child, not in the room, but wanted us to give things a go. But...I can’t help feeling I am not his first choice and obviously we are a couple because of the child not because our relationship worked initially.

So far things have been good, we have moved into his. It’s a new place for me and to be honest getting to know people and getting to know the area has been new and exciting, he’s shown me around etc lots of distractions. But we are a couple of months down the line now and all that’s wearing off and whilst I like the guy we are not a match made in heaven. We wouldn’t be together if it wasn’t for the child and I can’t get it out of my head. I’ve raised it briefly but he feels the same and we have had to accept that. No point always mentioning it.

Will the relationship grow do you think? I’m confused at the moment and tired. I won’t do anything right now as it works for little one but am I deluded to think this will blossom into a strong relationship between us that is passionate and feels right?

OP posts:

Report

FallingIguanas · 15/09/2020 18:07

It may do, it may not.

He's stepped up which is positive and very likely feels obligated towards you. From this it may grow but having a baby will test the strongest of relationships.

morefun · 15/09/2020 18:09

Hard to know. Like arranged marriages, these things can work sometimes.

You say you aren't sure about him though? Are you in love with him? Perhaps you can take it a day at a time and at least it sounds like you work together for your little one.

category12 · 15/09/2020 18:11

Um, what happens if he decides it's not working and that you have to leave? Do you have a back-up plan/funds/somewhere to go? You sound pretty vulnerable having moved in with him.

PepperSprays · 15/09/2020 18:12

That’s the thing...he feels obligated towards me and little one. That’s all well and good but it doesn’t magic a relationship does it?

I like him but when we were on and off it didn’t bother me, I wouldn’t have pined after him if I had never seen him again.

OP posts:

PepperSprays · 15/09/2020 18:13

category I don’t think he would ask me to leave, if I did that I would be moving back to where I am from which is a longgggg way from where he lives. He won’t want limited access to little one and so he won’t call time on it.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2020 18:14

It may grow, it may not, and that's ok. I think both of you should have the goal to remain close friends no matter if the romance doesn't work out, and to always be honest with each other. You may find that living together as friends whilst raising your child together works for you. Keep an open mind, be kind to each other, make sure the environment is healthy for your child, and enjoy this precious baby time.

user165423256322 · 15/09/2020 18:21

He won’t want limited access to little one and so he won’t call time on it

Not sure that is ever going to turn into passion, is it?

And is it the model for relationships you want to give your child?

To me, it sounds like the buzz of novelty and feeling cared for have carried you through to this point, but there isn't anything else much except feeling mutually obligated to one another.

Why was it you who uprooted yourself from all your support networks (and job?)?

user165423256322 · 15/09/2020 18:22

Oh I meant to say there's no reason you couldn't both grow close and fond of each other, but "passionate" seems a bit unrealistic in the circumstances.

PepperSprays · 15/09/2020 18:28

I uprooted because he earns more and my place is teeny weeny compared to his. It just made more sense. I actually like where we live and happy with all that. I’m 6 years older than him (he’s 34) so to be honest I don’t mind the break from work.

He loves being with little one and has wanted to be involved from the start. Can’t really fault him there but knowing he’s with me for him rather than for us sometimes feels uncomfortable.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 15/09/2020 18:32

You might find you'd both be happier if you lived a mile or two apart, rather than in the same house. It sounds as though he'd be a supportive parent, but living together is a completely different thing.

PepperSprays · 15/09/2020 18:34

I would say we are happy but it’s non stop at the moment so hard to think straight. I wonder if i will always feel second best in the sense that he was willing to give me up before this happened?

OP posts:

category12 · 15/09/2020 18:35

Could you reset the relationship and co-parent together in the same house, and perhaps start dating each other? I know it sounds a bit weird, but you've skipped straight to domesticity and missed out the fun parts.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2020 18:37

Passion isn't love, op.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2020 18:40

I really think you need to stop second guessing everything and just take it day by day. All of this second best nonsense is irrelevant. He clearly wants to give it a go and be an active part of his child's life, so concentrate on that.

Lampan · 15/09/2020 18:49

I agree with the above poster to just take it day by day. What’s the rush? It may be that things work, it may be that they don’t. Maybe you will be happy enough, that may or may not turn out to be enough for you.
It seems you had already decided you could go it alone before you told him you were pregnant? So if things don’t work out it’s good that he is still wanting to be a father. Hopefully he is a good guy and will be able to work out arrangements amicably even if you aren’t together in the long term.

category12 · 15/09/2020 18:49

Passion isn't love, no, but it's a good starter ingredient for a long-term relationship - and she doesn't have love either.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2020 18:53

Passion isn't love, no, but it's a good starter ingredient for a long-term relationship

Not always, by any stretch of the imagination. Passion is what often causes people to ignore red flags.

category12 · 15/09/2020 18:55

Moving a huge distance from your friends and family to be with a virtual stranger who just happened to father your child isn't exactly a non-red flag situation either .

PepperSprays · 15/09/2020 18:58

Category I could see my friends and family within two hours. I have also made effort to make friends here too.

I know he was seeing an ex right before I told him about the pregnancy. As far as I know he’s cut all contact with her since we moved in. But it just makes me sad that we weren’t a couple naturally if that makes sense

OP posts:

HelpMeh · 15/09/2020 19:04

To be honest this all sounds like a recipe for a relationship where at least one of you cheats.

You shouldve stayed where you were. If he was that bothered about time with the baby he would've had to do something about it.

Have you posted about this before? There was similar thread a while back with the OP considering an ill-advised, long distance move...

Dery · 15/09/2020 19:18

I remember your previous post. As I recall, you felt more romantic about this guy then he did about you and there, I think, is the rub.

In fact, it sounds like things are going pretty well from an amicable co-parenting perspective, which is the most important thing, but no-one can say whether or not this will grow into anything more. Hard though it is, you would be better off trying not to think about whether or not there is a potential romance here and just enjoy the amicable co-parenting side of things.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2020 19:24

You've made your choice to give it a go, you're already moved in, so take it easy and see how it goes. If it's not working, leave.

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Eddielzzard · 15/09/2020 19:28

Well I think if you both treat each other with respect and kindness that goes an awfully long way. He has stepped up, you're both making an effort. You might as well keep going and see.

seensome · 15/09/2020 19:43

Will it grow? Depends if you get on well and if he's mature enough, if your arguing then I'd say it wouldn't but if you have some common ground and you both make the effort then it could, just make the best you can out of it.

Settleandcalm · 15/09/2020 19:47

Honestly? I think that you are better to cut your losses BEFORE you get to the stage you resent each other.

As it stands you both sound reasonable, caring and solid. That makes for great co-parenting. Maybe you could find a way or place to stay local to one another and be good friends and great parents to your LO.

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.