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Will this relationship blossom?

(32 Posts)
PepperSprays Tue 15-Sep-20 17:57:24

Pregnant after 4 months of dating someone on and off. I told him I was pregnant after 8 months as I hadn’t heard from him and wasn’t sure what to do.

He was there when I had the child, not in the room, but wanted us to give things a go. But...I can’t help feeling I am not his first choice and obviously we are a couple because of the child not because our relationship worked initially.

So far things have been good, we have moved into his. It’s a new place for me and to be honest getting to know people and getting to know the area has been new and exciting, he’s shown me around etc lots of distractions. But we are a couple of months down the line now and all that’s wearing off and whilst I like the guy we are not a match made in heaven. We wouldn’t be together if it wasn’t for the child and I can’t get it out of my head. I’ve raised it briefly but he feels the same and we have had to accept that. No point always mentioning it.

Will the relationship grow do you think? I’m confused at the moment and tired. I won’t do anything right now as it works for little one but am I deluded to think this will blossom into a strong relationship between us that is passionate and feels right?

OP’s posts: |
FallingIguanas Tue 15-Sep-20 18:07:21

It may do, it may not.

He's stepped up which is positive and very likely feels obligated towards you. From this it may grow but having a baby will test the strongest of relationships.

morefun Tue 15-Sep-20 18:09:59

Hard to know. Like arranged marriages, these things can work sometimes.

You say you aren't sure about him though? Are you in love with him? Perhaps you can take it a day at a time and at least it sounds like you work together for your little one.

category12 Tue 15-Sep-20 18:11:56

Um, what happens if he decides it's not working and that you have to leave? Do you have a back-up plan/funds/somewhere to go? You sound pretty vulnerable having moved in with him.

PepperSprays Tue 15-Sep-20 18:12:21

That’s the thing...he feels obligated towards me and little one. That’s all well and good but it doesn’t magic a relationship does it?

I like him but when we were on and off it didn’t bother me, I wouldn’t have pined after him if I had never seen him again.

OP’s posts: |
PepperSprays Tue 15-Sep-20 18:13:58

category I don’t think he would ask me to leave, if I did that I would be moving back to where I am from which is a longgggg way from where he lives. He won’t want limited access to little one and so he won’t call time on it.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Tue 15-Sep-20 18:14:57

It may grow, it may not, and that's ok. I think both of you should have the goal to remain close friends no matter if the romance doesn't work out, and to always be honest with each other. You may find that living together as friends whilst raising your child together works for you. Keep an open mind, be kind to each other, make sure the environment is healthy for your child, and enjoy this precious baby time.

user165423256322 Tue 15-Sep-20 18:21:06

He won’t want limited access to little one and so he won’t call time on it

Not sure that is ever going to turn into passion, is it?

And is it the model for relationships you want to give your child?

To me, it sounds like the buzz of novelty and feeling cared for have carried you through to this point, but there isn't anything else much except feeling mutually obligated to one another.

Why was it you who uprooted yourself from all your support networks (and job?)?

user165423256322 Tue 15-Sep-20 18:22:22

Oh I meant to say there's no reason you couldn't both grow close and fond of each other, but "passionate" seems a bit unrealistic in the circumstances.

PepperSprays Tue 15-Sep-20 18:28:33

I uprooted because he earns more and my place is teeny weeny compared to his. It just made more sense. I actually like where we live and happy with all that. I’m 6 years older than him (he’s 34) so to be honest I don’t mind the break from work.

He loves being with little one and has wanted to be involved from the start. Can’t really fault him there but knowing he’s with me for him rather than for us sometimes feels uncomfortable.

OP’s posts: |
HollowTalk Tue 15-Sep-20 18:32:18

You might find you'd both be happier if you lived a mile or two apart, rather than in the same house. It sounds as though he'd be a supportive parent, but living together is a completely different thing.

PepperSprays Tue 15-Sep-20 18:34:03

I would say we are happy but it’s non stop at the moment so hard to think straight. I wonder if i will always feel second best in the sense that he was willing to give me up before this happened?

OP’s posts: |
category12 Tue 15-Sep-20 18:35:40

Could you reset the relationship and co-parent together in the same house, and perhaps start dating each other? I know it sounds a bit weird, but you've skipped straight to domesticity and missed out the fun parts.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 15-Sep-20 18:37:35

Passion isn't love, op.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 15-Sep-20 18:40:11

I really think you need to stop second guessing everything and just take it day by day. All of this second best nonsense is irrelevant. He clearly wants to give it a go and be an active part of his child's life, so concentrate on that.

Lampan Tue 15-Sep-20 18:49:29

I agree with the above poster to just take it day by day. What’s the rush? It may be that things work, it may be that they don’t. Maybe you will be happy enough, that may or may not turn out to be enough for you.
It seems you had already decided you could go it alone before you told him you were pregnant? So if things don’t work out it’s good that he is still wanting to be a father. Hopefully he is a good guy and will be able to work out arrangements amicably even if you aren’t together in the long term.

category12 Tue 15-Sep-20 18:49:58

Passion isn't love, no, but it's a good starter ingredient for a long-term relationship - and she doesn't have love either.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 15-Sep-20 18:53:14

Passion isn't love, no, but it's a good starter ingredient for a long-term relationship

Not always, by any stretch of the imagination. Passion is what often causes people to ignore red flags.

category12 Tue 15-Sep-20 18:55:29

Moving a huge distance from your friends and family to be with a virtual stranger who just happened to father your child isn't exactly a non-red flag situation either hmm.

PepperSprays Tue 15-Sep-20 18:58:00

Category I could see my friends and family within two hours. I have also made effort to make friends here too.

I know he was seeing an ex right before I told him about the pregnancy. As far as I know he’s cut all contact with her since we moved in. But it just makes me sad that we weren’t a couple naturally if that makes sense

OP’s posts: |
HelpMeh Tue 15-Sep-20 19:04:59

To be honest this all sounds like a recipe for a relationship where at least one of you cheats.

You shouldve stayed where you were. If he was that bothered about time with the baby he would've had to do something about it.

Have you posted about this before? There was similar thread a while back with the OP considering an ill-advised, long distance move...

Dery Tue 15-Sep-20 19:18:40

I remember your previous post. As I recall, you felt more romantic about this guy then he did about you and there, I think, is the rub.

In fact, it sounds like things are going pretty well from an amicable co-parenting perspective, which is the most important thing, but no-one can say whether or not this will grow into anything more. Hard though it is, you would be better off trying not to think about whether or not there is a potential romance here and just enjoy the amicable co-parenting side of things.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:24:08

You've made your choice to give it a go, you're already moved in, so take it easy and see how it goes. If it's not working, leave.

Eddielzzard Tue 15-Sep-20 19:28:05

Well I think if you both treat each other with respect and kindness that goes an awfully long way. He has stepped up, you're both making an effort. You might as well keep going and see.

seensome Tue 15-Sep-20 19:43:32

Will it grow? Depends if you get on well and if he's mature enough, if your arguing then I'd say it wouldn't but if you have some common ground and you both make the effort then it could, just make the best you can out of it.

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