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to be devastated I'm being called an adult!

(308 Posts)
mollysmysteries Tue 15-Sep-20 16:36:49

First time poster...long time lurker so please be gentle.

So the backstory is that I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are currently TTC after losing last year (late miscarriage). We live in partners hometown- We are both 29.

In the past two years, I have gone from 10 stone 9 to 12 stone 10- I'm 5ft5. I was a size 12/14 and now I'm closer to a 16. The weight gain has come from mainly my role becoming a WFH home role (before covid) and not exercising enough in the beginning. I have tried everything to lose weight, slimming world/ weight watchers, joint a virtual gym and was recently diagnosed with PCOS/Insulin Resistance through blood tests/scans. I'm now on Metformin and low carbing, exercising and I'm beginning to lose weight smile

The problem is DP's friends...and DP. Around June time I was sat in our living room, when messages from his chat came up through the games console on our tv (facebook). It was messages from DP's friends essentially making jokes about me..saying about him being busy this weekend with 'trotters' and likening me to a whale- harpooned came in there!. I was devastated and cried to DP, who apologised and said he would have a word with them. This is a group of 30 year old (some married men) and although I see them socially sometimes, DP sees them more.

Fast forward to this month, and DP leaves the laptop on the table as we are both WFH. He went out to make a call, and as I was on an important meeting i went over to silence his laptop as it was beeping incessantly. Once again, the same group chat, I very stupidly had a little scroll not very far up, and again there was comments about me, and a meme of a fat woman suffocating a skinny bloke. DP is slender.

This time, I confronted DP and he was furious- calling me a snoop, saying that it's just banter aimed at him, not me, and it's private and that he's told them once but its not his responsibility what other people do!. He then stormed off to his mums- who told him I was being ridiculous and ''should use it as an incentive'''!

I just feel so low and devastated. I'm trying so hard, and feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who wont even defend me! I've always liked DP's mum too, and although her comment was harsh, I don't know if she meant it harshly. Should i LTB? I've spoken to my family and they're furious, but are close-knit and protective anyways..

Any advice would be appreciated. We are okay now, and DP has apologised again, but I still feel slightly weird around him. Sorry for the long post!

OP’s posts: |
endofthelinefinally Tue 15-Sep-20 16:39:17

He isn't loyal in the way a life partner should be. Do you want to stay with him?

HerewardTheWoke Tue 15-Sep-20 16:42:51

I would immediately stop TTC until you work out whether this is the right relationship for you (it doesn't sound like it is).

thecatsarecrazy Tue 15-Sep-20 16:43:33

If it was me I would be walking away now or kicking him out. That is not how a loving partner should be treating you.

Windmillwhirl Tue 15-Sep-20 16:44:12

I'm so sorry. His friends are cruel but it appears he has said nothing to them to stop them and support you.

I don't think I'd be able to come back from this. He is friends with people that ridicule you. That is so wrong.

Is he quite a weak man? Unable to stand up to them for fear of losing face?

mollysmysteries Tue 15-Sep-20 16:46:17


I'm so sorry. His friends are cruel but it appears he has said nothing to them to stop them and support you.

I don't think I'd be able to come back from this. He is friends with people that ridicule you. That is so wrong.

Is he quite a weak man? Unable to stand up to them for fear of losing face?

Yeah, he's shite at confrontation of any sorts really and he's always tried to ''live up to them''

OP’s posts: |
BoringBarrington Tue 15-Sep-20 16:48:00

I also find this really disloyal, hurtful and cowardly. I would never talk about my husband like this and would be devastated if he talked about me this way.
It's that bloody term 'banter' again. Otherwise known as nastiness.

Suzi888 Tue 15-Sep-20 16:48:40

How does he treat you aside from this incident?
Do you talk about him to your friends?

JoeCalFuckingZaghe Tue 15-Sep-20 16:48:43

If you had a group chat and your friends we're making jokes about his appearance and you weren't sticking up for him I fucking bet you him (and his dearest mummy) wouldn't be so blase about the whole thing.

I couldn't be with anyone who sat by and joked at my expense, especially about weight or appearances. Sad, insecure, pathetic little boys.

RantyAnty Tue 15-Sep-20 16:48:56

Yes, leave him.
I highly doubt his mother said that about you. It's really his thoughts trying to defend his friends and his behaviour.

One question. In 4 years, why is there no marriage but you're ttc?

Anyway, Ditch him.
Plenty of guys out there who will treat you with respect and want to marry you before trying to start a family.

Florencex Tue 15-Sep-20 16:49:08

He has horrible, rude friends but of course you know the bigger problem is him for not sticking up for you. My weight has gone up and down over the years and if I thought my husband was engaging in banter (or not closing it down) I could never forgive him.

JoeCalFuckingZaghe Tue 15-Sep-20 16:49:39

Also, he ran to his mum over this. envy < not envy. That would dry me up quicker than you could say mummys boy. Ergh.

Landlubber2019 Tue 15-Sep-20 16:50:42

On my gosh , what utter pricks your oh hangs out with.

Your oh is a sly old fox, he shows no loyalty towards you and frankly i understand why you feel weird around him, he is toad. Dump him and get yourself a decent person to raise a family with flowers

Lipz Tue 15-Sep-20 16:51:06

I wouldn't put up with that. He's no respect for you. His mates are arseholes and his mother could have been a bit nicer. Your not a huge size so I don't get why they are all making fun of you. If this is how you want to be treated then stay with him, his mates won't change, they're always going to think like this making seeing them upsetting. If your partner had any respect for you he would have shut it down, see, when someone makes fun of a person I love and I have a word with them about stopping and they don't, then I don't keep that person in my life.

Sassypants82 Tue 15-Sep-20 16:51:39

Fuuuuucckkk that is so nasty and hurtful. Can't believe the immaturity of them all. This would raise serious issues for me, I'm afraid and I'd be rethinking the relationship. He hasn't got your back.

mollysmysteries Tue 15-Sep-20 16:51:53

Surprisingly, he's very attentive, loving and kind usually. cooks dinner, offers support and tells me I look nice everyday etc. I think he's a bit immature still in his mannerisms sometimes though and his mum has always been a bit smothering towards him.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Tue 15-Sep-20 16:52:01

Think about it...

He is remaining friends with people who deride and humiliate you. This is a man you want to have children with?

Shakirasma Tue 15-Sep-20 16:52:05

Your Partner is a horrible shit and you deserve better. He has proven to you that he doesn't have your back, and that should be the bare basic expectation in a loving relationship.

ShebaShimmyShake Tue 15-Sep-20 16:52:15

Never, ever, ever stay with a man who doesn't defend you. He doesn't have to slay dragons but it's not too much to ask that he refuses to indulge misogynistic twats who abuse you to him behind your back. You're supposed to be the woman he loves, his life partner, the future mother of his children. When people shit on you, for your weight of all things, that's the time an actual man defends you and refuses to listen.

29, the world lies before you. Don't shackle yourself to such a gutless wimp.

afaloren Tue 15-Sep-20 16:52:27

Good god. Leave the wretched knobber immediately.

Windmillwhirl Tue 15-Sep-20 16:52:50

If being accepted by a group of immature idiots is more important to him than standing up for you when you are ridiculed, I think you need to leave. What do you think?

MJMG2015 Tue 15-Sep-20 16:53:20

Fuck that

I hope mummy has a very uncomfortable sofa that he'll now be calling his bed!

It's actually irrelevant, but you're not that big! But even if you were, there's. NO way this is acceptable. Him blaming you for snooping is deflecting his behaviour. Twat.

If he loved you, he would not accept their behaviour & if he gave them the impression he lives you they would not behave like this.

Don't have a baby with him.

Send him to mummy's for good! If it's his house or you can't afford it on your own, leave. He's NOT. A keeper!

Sorry but rushed as I should be in my way to pick someone up! Eek!

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd Tue 15-Sep-20 16:53:29

I know how you can lose weight super fast: ditch him. I wouldn't TTC without marriage first but his hero-worship of his friends to this extent would be a dealbreaker to me. You're known by the company you keep, and look at the company he chooses. Says a lot. 'hates confrontation' my arse. He condones this.

I'd stop the TTC now and make plans to split.

timetest Tue 15-Sep-20 16:53:46

He’s not loving and kind.

ButteryPuffin Tue 15-Sep-20 16:53:52

He didn't mind confronting you though and saying you were a snoop. That's backlash because he knows he's in the wrong, but even so.

He has made the call that you require less from him and will put up with more, so he has prioritised keeping in with his friends over your feelings. That should make you think twice about this as a relationship for life. Don't chase after him now or apologise. Don't ring or message him at his mum's. Tell him you need to seriously think about this as it's changed your view of the kind of person he is. You didn't think he was the sort to mock and belittle others.

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