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Tired on 'date night's, AIBU?

(58 Posts)
anditgoeson Tue 15-Sep-20 12:14:54

My DP and I are both 40, we've been together for 3 years. We dont live together and have no plans too. We both have children from previous relationships who are quite young still and we dont want to disrupt them right now. We both work and have personal persuits that we are hopeful will turn into income generators so devote a lot of our spare time to them. As a result we dont see each other very often. On average we see each other about once a week, sometimes more but not often.

Due to this we do try and make our nights together special in some way, which has been lovely but I'm starting to feel the pressure of the expectations I feel he has placed on this time. Now that everything is up and running again I'm feeling tired and stressed and just want a cosy night when I see him, especially if its through the week. I dont really want to have to get 'date'ready ifyswim, and I dont want to stay up late or drink.

I feel bad about it because our time together is scarce but I cant help how I feel. I'm exhausted at the moment, I have 2 kids whom I have sole custody of (absent father) a demanding job, and I'm at Uni. I also do a lot for my parents so I'm on the go all of the time. I try my best to be upbeat and 'awake' but I cant help but fall asleep early and I can tell he's getting pissed off. I dont really know what the solution is, I've apologised for being tired and he says he understands but I know he's getting fed up of it.

I think it would be easier if I didnt feel like I had to 'perform', if I could stay in comfy clothes and just have a normal relax tv type evening but I know if I did that he would be disappointed. He always gets dressed up and ahem 'tidies' himself for a date so I in turn feel like I have to. He thinks it a shame to waste our night doing boring things but sometimes that all I feel up to. Aibu?And any advice?

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anditgoeson Tue 15-Sep-20 12:16:07

I did use paragraphs but for reason they have gone. So sorry if that is hard to read.

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Sirzy Tue 15-Sep-20 12:17:14

I think for a relationship to have any longevity then you do need to do the “boring” things together and not always be on show. Like you have said that’s just not sustainable long term.

Nothing wrong with a bottle of wine and a night on the sofa relaxing or whatever

FippertyGibbett Tue 15-Sep-20 12:18:30

Do you actually want to continue the relationship, or would you be happy for it to end and reduce the pressure on you ?

chocolatesaltyballs22 Tue 15-Sep-20 12:19:02

Sounds exhausting. Tell him you just want PJ's/takeaway/Netflix or whatever and to relax. He has to see the 'real you' at some point and getting dressed up and made up to stay in the house is a bit daft in my opinion!

RaisinGhost Tue 15-Sep-20 12:21:37

I'm not in your exact situation as I live with my DP, but I also don't really like date nights. And I felt the same way in a previous relationship that was long term but not living together.

They can be good, but it's better if they are more rare, or focused around an event/occasion. Eg, if there's a concert we both want to see, we'll make a night out of it. But "date nights" just for the sake of it - maybe just every few months. Every week - no way. Too much pressure.

A cosy night at home is where it's at for me.

Marrowfatpeas Tue 15-Sep-20 12:22:21

‘He thinks it a shame to waste our night doing boring things but sometimes that all I feel up to.’

I think it’s a shame you can’t be comfortable around your partner of three years. YANBU - he is.

anditgoeson Tue 15-Sep-20 12:22:54

Yes I would like to carry on the relationship it's a nice relief from all the other things in my life and I feel lucky that I have met someone who has similar limited availability. I tried dating previously to meeting my partner and found that I wasnt able to commit as much time as the other person wanted.

I agree that at some point we have to be real with each other. He wont even use the loo when he stays over (except for a pee) and I've told him this is daft but he is funny about these things.

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chocolatesaltyballs22 Tue 15-Sep-20 12:25:40

He wont even use the loo when he stays over (except for a pee) and I've told him this is daft but he is funny about these things.

Oh dear...that's really not normal! I couldn't cope with that level of pressure after 3 years.

anditgoeson Tue 15-Sep-20 12:26:25

Thank you all for your comments. I feel a lot better. It's the expectation of sex too that is staring to get me down. Dont get my wrong I love our sex, it is really good, he's really lovely in that department and I find him very sexy so I enjoy that a lot. And he's definitely not pushy, but if we dont have sex he will be in a mood the next morning even though he tries to hide it.

I want to have sex on our nights because we dont see each other very often, be even though the will is there the energy just really isnt.

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RaisinGhost Tue 15-Sep-20 12:27:02

Does your partner plan these dates, or does he expect you to? That would also make it more annoying. I know my ex dp always wanted to do date night, but wanted me to plan it, book it, get him there, do the conversational heavy lifting, pay for it, then later service him in bed. So it was more of a chore than a treat.

chocolatesaltyballs22 Tue 15-Sep-20 12:27:35

There shouldn't be the pressure to have sex though. We all have off days. How often do you see him?

Dery Tue 15-Sep-20 12:29:40

I would be a bit alarmed if my partner of 3 years whom I saw only one night a week considered that night boring if it was spent only relaxing with me at home. Surely it's the being together which is the most important thing - not the outing. From that perspective, it should be the easiest thing to compromise on - may be have an outing twice a month and a chilled evening in twice a month or similar.

But if he is actually saying he finds the prospect of an evening chilling with you so unalluring that he needs to go out in order to enjoy the evening, then I think the relationship is not a true partnership.

JemimaTiggywinkle Tue 15-Sep-20 12:30:27

Surely the best bit about being in a relationship is having someone to snuggle with on the sofa?

anditgoeson Tue 15-Sep-20 12:55:41

I think the best part is the 'normal' stuff when you can just relax.

I do plan alot of our time together, and if we dont go out I often will cook a nice meal. We dont always go out, alot of it is at home. Usually my house, at least through the week. But I make it 'special', cook a nice meal, have wine etc.

He does plan some of the things but more often than not it has been me. This is something I have talked to him about though and I have told him its needs to fairer.

I definitely think that the current situation has made things worse. Other than me and his DC he doesnt see anybody all week. Some weeks he doesnt even leave the house. His friend will occasionally visit him but thats it. He has no family here so is quite lonely I think. I feel that he is looking to fulfil his socialising/stimulating elements that would usually be provided by working with people and seeing friends through me. I other hand still see people in work and now Uni and I take my kids out alot so I am very rarely bored or under stimulated.

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anditgoeson Tue 15-Sep-20 12:57:59

It is becoming a bit of a chore know tbh. I dont think treating the whole relationship like dating is sustainable.

I want to feel like I'm in a long term relationship and all the lovely things that come with that, I dont want to feel like I'm constantly dating. Its exhausting!

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LindaEllen Tue 15-Sep-20 12:58:21

To be honest, if you've been together for three years, you should be past the stage of feeling like you have to dress to the nines to impress each other every time. If this was me and my partner (before we moved in together) we'd have been happy to go to a pub for a meal, or grabbing a takeaway to spend time together. Sometimes being more casual makes for better memories I find. I wouldn't want to dress up for a proper night out during the week either.

Have you met each other's kids? Is a quiet night in with all of you together a possibility?

I know you say you have no plans to move in together, but sometimes these things can work out for the best - so it makes sense in my eyes to at least test the waters to see how you all get on! And if it's not right then yeah, carry on as you are, but getting to know each other is needed.

SoulofanAggron Tue 15-Sep-20 12:58:42

Have you told him how you feel? You have nothing to lose as if he won't let you child out when you need to he's not the man for you.

if we dont have sex he will be in a mood the next morning even though he tries to hide it.

This is not ok and you don't know that he's trying to hide it. It's at best pressurising when you don't feel up to it. More likely, it's manipulative/coercive. I would dump a man who does anything like this.

SoulofanAggron Tue 15-Sep-20 13:00:06

*chill out smile

anditgoeson Tue 15-Sep-20 13:00:18

@Dery I'm starting to feel like it isnt a true partnership. I feel that he loves me because he tells me all the time, nd we do get along really well. I just think he isnt much of a partnership person if that makes sense. This relationship definitely feels different to my other relationships in that way.

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anditgoeson Tue 15-Sep-20 14:13:26

@SoulognAggron you've made a really good point there. I hadn't actually considered that. And I have actually apologised for falling asleep which makes me consider your point even more.

He can be quite a manipulative person with other areas of his life I guess I naively thought it didnt apply to me.

I'm going to take that advice and have a chat about it. I have spoken to him about other things just never about that.

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anditgoeson Tue 15-Sep-20 14:14:23

@SoulofanAggron sorry 🙈

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chocolatesaltyballs22 Tue 15-Sep-20 15:04:29

I'm sorry but the more you say, the more he sounds like he wants some Stepford Wife type dolled up partner who looks perfect at all times.

I remember early on in my relationship (maybe a year?!) apologising to my partner for already being in PJ's when he got to my house. He said to me 'I'd be disappointed if you weren't' meaning he'd much rather I was comfortable and chilled. A true partner should be someone you can totally relax and be yourself with, especially 3 years into the relationship.

Dontletitbeyou Tue 15-Sep-20 15:22:21

Your main description of this relationship is exhausting .you say it’s becoming a bit of a chore You say you were pleased that you met someone who had limited availability like yourself . You have been together 3 years , has it always been like this ?
You sound like you have a lot on , maybe this isn’t the right time for a relationship , or maybe he’s not the right one for you . The whole thing doesn’t sound like fun at all ,it sounds like a box that needs to be ticked .

Sunshineandflipflops Tue 15-Sep-20 15:51:34

I only see my bf 1-2 times a week too and sometimes we will go out for dinner or something but mostly it's spending time together that's important. He's been having problems with his health recently so we don't have sex every time we see each other and although I have a higher sex drive than him anyway, I would never sulk.

I like getting dressed up to go out (it happens rarely these days it's a novelty) but we are usually in our comfy joggers watching Netflix on the sofa as we are both very busy people.

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