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Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

(59 Posts)
realist252 Mon 14-Sep-20 23:49:40

My boyfriend of 18 months and I see each other twice a week, usually on a Wednesday evening and over the weekend. If, for whatever reason, i am not able to do a Wednesday, I let him know in advance so we can arrange another day because I want to see him and he is a priority for me. He, however, does not do the same.

As I was leaving his on Sunday, he told me he couldn't do Wednesday this week because he had made plans and suggested doing another day instead. I deliberately keep Wednesdays free for him and had plans every other evening this week so felt a bit put out by this as he obviously hadn't considered the fact that he wouldn't be able to see me when making his Wednesday plans with someone else. He even suggested that I rearrange my plans so that I can see him tomorrow rather than Wednesday. Errr why should I rearrange MY plans when he's the one who has messed up? It should be him rearranging his plans!

However, I have actually rearranged my plans so I can see him tomorrow purely so that I can talk to him about this as I didn't want to wait until the weekend to have the conversation (he doesn't know that yet). As I was rearranging my plans so that I could see him as he suggested, he said that he felt bad and that he'd just see me at the weekend which has made me feel like he doesn't really want to see me during the week anyway. However, my plans have now been rearranged and he is coming over, so I will be having a conversation with him.

The way he has behaved and not considered me makes feel like I'm not a priority or important to him, and that he couldn't really care less whether he sees me or not. If it's convenient for him - great, if not never mind. That's how it seems to me after Sunday anyway.

He has done this before and rearranged his Wednesday plans when it has transpired that I haven't been able to do another day during the week - so perhaps it is not the case that I am not a priority for him and that he just couldn't rearrange these plans - but I don't understand why he keeps doing it (it's not all that frequent but I do find it frustrating). I find it thoughtless and inconsiderate. Surely as soon as he makes plans for a Weds he should think 'that's that day I see realist252, I'd better let her know so we can arrange another evening to meet that week' - that's how the thought process goes in my head anyway. He doesn't do that, so it makes me feel like I am an afterthought.

I have never not felt like a priority before this happened on Sunday so perhaps I am blowing this out of proportion - I do have a tendency to do that.

Any thoughts?

OP’s posts: |
realist252 Mon 14-Sep-20 23:53:53

maybe I am just more organised than him? I am in general tbf. But I don't want to make excuses for him - I deserve to be prioritised and thought about...when you are in a relationship you should be considering the other person when making plans that could impact seeing them, right?

OP’s posts: |
BlueThistles Mon 14-Sep-20 23:56:14

you are not a priority for him OP. 🌺

Onacleardayyoucansee Mon 14-Sep-20 23:59:34

It's ok to not see him now and then.
Be flexible.
You sound a bit uptight and have a monopoly on his time.
He was busy this week, that's all...
See, him as planned and have a lovely time. If it really upsets you not to see him every Wednesday, end it.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion Tue 15-Sep-20 00:01:13

Its rely not something I could get worked up about. He let you know on the Sunday, whats the big deal. How was he to know you had your week packed full of other activities?
How long have Wednesday's to be a no go for any other plans?

Maskedcrusader Tue 15-Sep-20 00:02:50

Cant you hang out at lunch break or after school?
(I realise you are not at school it just sounds like your about 15)

Aquamarine1029 Tue 15-Sep-20 00:06:46

It shouldn't be this hard, and no, you are not his priority.

realist252 Tue 15-Sep-20 00:09:48

Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Its rely not something I could get worked up about. He let you know on the Sunday, whats the big deal. How was he to know you had your week packed full of other activities?
How long have Wednesday's to be a no go for any other plans?

I have my own life too - should I just sit around and keep my evenings free on the offchance he can't do a Wednesday? My week wouldn't have been packed if he had told me in advance.

OP’s posts: |
Mixedandproud Tue 15-Sep-20 00:14:50

The best thing to do is tell him how you feel about this and see how he reacts. If he prioritises you more in future that’s great, if he doesn’t then you know it’s not what you want and it’s time to move on.

DBML Tue 15-Sep-20 00:15:47

Sometimes in life dates clash. Maybe it was a friends birthday or a buddy made the arrangements and your partner got little say about the dates. Does life have to be so set in stone ‘I will see you Wednesdays and Saturdays only’.
Sometimes last minute plans are the best, so instead of berating your partner over his lack of organisation and inability to prioritise dates just for you (which is anal anyway) how about you go tomorrow and have a great time instead? Isn’t that a nicer use of your day?

realist252 Tue 15-Sep-20 00:18:09

DBML

Sometimes in life dates clash. Maybe it was a friends birthday or a buddy made the arrangements and your partner got little say about the dates. Does life have to be so set in stone ‘I will see you Wednesdays and Saturdays only’.
Sometimes last minute plans are the best, so instead of berating your partner over his lack of organisation and inability to prioritise dates just for you (which is anal anyway) how about you go tomorrow and have a great time instead? Isn’t that a nicer use of your day?

I have absolutely no problem with him doing something else on a Wednesday as long as he tells me so that I can keep another day free to see him. If he doesn't tell me, I don't keep a day free and then we run the risk of not seeing each other. That is a problem for me as I want to see him but it seems he's not that bothered, otherwise surely he would let me know in advance and want to see me another day? Hence why I feel unimportant/like I am just a convenience for him

OP’s posts: |
Ladedada Tue 15-Sep-20 00:18:45

I don’t think the conversation will go down well with him. You sound uptight and inflexible. He did let you know in advance just not as far in advance as you’d like. If it’s not every week then I’d let it go. If you make him feel forced he’ll probably want to see you less

realist252 Tue 15-Sep-20 00:18:50

Mixedandproud

The best thing to do is tell him how you feel about this and see how he reacts. If he prioritises you more in future that’s great, if he doesn’t then you know it’s not what you want and it’s time to move on.

This is what I would like to do but I don't want to come across as unreasonable which is what some posters are suggesting I am...

OP’s posts: |
12309845653ghydrvj Tue 15-Sep-20 00:21:02

You are making a mountain out of it! Relax, it’s not the end of the world. He was ever so slightly inconsiderate or a bit disorganised—just tell him next time if you want to make plans with someone else Wednesday, can you tell me ASAP so I can see if we can rearrange? That’s it, I don’t see what else there is to say?

If you make a huge deal about these little things, he won’t want to rearrange your Wednesdays together! There’s no need to blow up like this. I’m like you in that I would always be overly considerate in my time, ideally the rest of the world would be that way too—but they’re not. He’s a different person to you, he has a different thought process. The worst case scanerio here is you don’t see each other until the end of the week—annoying, not the end of the world!

thinkpinkstink Tue 15-Sep-20 00:21:24

Even if I liked someone a reasonable amount, if I was presumed to be available to them on two predefined days, every week, forever, that would quickly feel tiresome, odd and prescriptive.

Its a relationship, not a mid week pottery class.

After 18mo it's really a bit of a pivot point, and maybe it'd be good to make some decisions about where you each see the relationship going.

Dillydallyingthrough Tue 15-Sep-20 00:22:24

I think he gave you enough notice if he told you on sunday, he didn't call you when he was due to turn up. When you plan things on a weds how much notice do you give him?

I don't think it's as easy as saying you are not his priority, maybe he thought that was sufficient notice? It would be different if you had this conversation repeatedly and he still kept doing it but even then maybe organisational skills are not his strength?

realist252 Tue 15-Sep-20 00:27:00

12309845653ghydrvj

You are making a mountain out of it! Relax, it’s not the end of the world. He was ever so slightly inconsiderate or a bit disorganised—just tell him next time if you want to make plans with someone else Wednesday, can you tell me ASAP so I can see if we can rearrange? That’s it, I don’t see what else there is to say?

If you make a huge deal about these little things, he won’t want to rearrange your Wednesdays together! There’s no need to blow up like this. I’m like you in that I would always be overly considerate in my time, ideally the rest of the world would be that way too—but they’re not. He’s a different person to you, he has a different thought process. The worst case scanerio here is you don’t see each other until the end of the week—annoying, not the end of the world!

Thank you for this. I was going to go into how it wasn't fair for him to expect me to change my plans/that I feel like I convenience and not a priority when he does that, especially as I always consider him and give him lots of notice when needing to rearrange, but I think you are probably right that I should just say that I would appreciate more notice and leave it at that.

You are absolutely right that our thought processes are different. It's something that I am still getting used to!

OP’s posts: |
DBML Tue 15-Sep-20 00:28:07

If he didn’t want to see you, he wouldn’t have suggested another day initially. He’d have said ‘let’s leave it this week’ from the beginning.

But, if you start demanding days dedicated to you or weeks notice of cancellation , I can assure you that he’ll want to see much less of you, much sooner.

This is not a huge problem and you are blowing it out of all proportion.

YerAWizardHarry Tue 15-Sep-20 00:30:08

So you're allowed to make plans on a Wednesday but he's not? 3 days notice is plenty for those with busy lives

realist252 Tue 15-Sep-20 00:31:00

Dillydallyingthrough

I think he gave you enough notice if he told you on sunday, he didn't call you when he was due to turn up. When you plan things on a weds how much notice do you give him?

I don't think it's as easy as saying you are not his priority, maybe he thought that was sufficient notice? It would be different if you had this conversation repeatedly and he still kept doing it but even then maybe organisational skills are not his strength?

I would usually give him a week's notice.

I think you are probably right and maybe I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and accept that he isn't as organised and doesn't think about things in the same way as me. I think I will just make the point that going forward I would like more notice and leave it at that.

I have a tendency to see minor issues as huge problems as an excuse to end relationships before the other person hurts me as I am terrified of that (past issues), hence my overreaction. Thank you for helping me to see that I need to calm down.

OP’s posts: |
PyongyangKipperbang Tue 15-Sep-20 01:04:50

I am currently switching between crying like a baby (alongside drinking too much) and feeling that I did the right thing for finishing with someone who is exactly the same.

I know I have done the right thing, but fuck me it hurts. You dont stop loving someone when you finally accept that they are an arsehole, but I know that I will soon enough.

He is your priority, you are his "go to". In fact, I think it's that that's making me cry, realising I wasted 15 months on someone who used me as an easy option. If you want a hand hold going through the same thing, PM me, happy to spend every evening thrashing it out as I feel guilty moaning on about him to my friends who are probably thinking "Oh FFS, you should have dumped him months ago, get over it!"

flowers

realist252 Tue 15-Sep-20 01:26:11

PyongyangKipperbang

I am currently switching between crying like a baby (alongside drinking too much) and feeling that I did the right thing for finishing with someone who is exactly the same.

I know I have done the right thing, but fuck me it hurts. You dont stop loving someone when you finally accept that they are an arsehole, but I know that I will soon enough.

He is your priority, you are his "go to". In fact, I think it's that that's making me cry, realising I wasted 15 months on someone who used me as an easy option. If you want a hand hold going through the same thing, PM me, happy to spend every evening thrashing it out as I feel guilty moaning on about him to my friends who are probably thinking "Oh FFS, you should have dumped him months ago, get over it!"

flowers

I am so sorry to hear this but it sounds like you feel you have made the right decision. What happened when you ended it, how did he react? Break ups are always hard, even when you know you've done the right thing.

I am interested in your experience - did your partner have any redeeming features? My boyfriend hasn't really not made me feel like a priority before - he visits me as much as I visit him (1 hour drive), has done a lot of DIY for me in my new house, makes an effort with my friends and family etc...was your partner the same? How else did he not make you feel like a priority? Feel free to DM if you don't want to talk in public x

OP’s posts: |
ulanbatorismynextstop Tue 15-Sep-20 01:34:35

Sometimes stuff might come up on a Wednesday, what's the big deal? If you miss the odd Wednesday you really shouldn't be pouting about how you aren't his priority. You do sound immature.

ExhaustedFlamingo Tue 15-Sep-20 01:52:38

Blimey OP, you do sound quite uptight.

You're annoyed because 3 days notice isn't enough and you would have arranged plans on that Wednesday night if you'd had more notice - can't you just relax and enjoy a night in? Why do you HAVE to have something planned every night?

In relationships there's give and take, and it may be that something special pops up that you'd really like to do, hence changing your day for one week. It doesn't sound as if he's constantly messing you around or cancelling? As for saying "let's leave it until the weekend" - that's probably because he could see you were huffing about it and thought that would be easier.

Although it's good to be organised, if every little thing in a relationship needs to be planned out strictly in advance, it quickly stops being fun and becomes a chore.

PyongyangKipperbang Tue 15-Sep-20 02:09:00

In all honesty, he did make me feel like a priority then.....not so much. Very much taken for granted that I would make the effort. He isnt deliberately selfish but is still selfish. He got used to having the "its all about you as long as you dont call me out" marriage he had with his ex, and I wont take that. They both did what made life easier for themselves whilst giving just enough to each other to allow that to happen.

He misses me, I know that, and I think he actually thinks I will crawl back but......

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