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He loves our daughter but he's not for me

(2 Posts)
Razpoot Mon 14-Sep-20 18:01:22

I don't know what I'm wanting from posting this. Advice, reassurance, to vent. I met my partner almost 2 years ago, and the circumstances were bizarre to say the least. He and his 8 year long gf had agreed to his proposal of an open relationship, after which point he met me and declared his feelings for me. I had broke up fairly recently from a 3 year ex and was feeling adventurous, so I spent a day with him, nothing happened apart from a bit of touching. From my understanding, he then lied to his ex (?) said he slept with me, she broke up and disappeared, ran away to Italy to be with a guy my partner had never heard of.

We eventually got together. I've never felt that click, butterflies in the stomach like i did with my ex but i wanted to give it a shot. He spent lots of money on me, complimented me profusely, was sexually obsessed (would easy go 3-4 times a day) and we had similar interests. For whatever stupid, stupid reason when he mentioned children I thought why not. I adore children and I've always wanted my own.

So of course now we live together in a flat with our 8 week daughter.

I feel trapped. It's all my own fault, I know. I just can't stand him. For starters he dropped all the niceties. No more compliments, no more cuddling, no kisses other than a peck with a bye in the morning. While I was pregnant, it was horrendous mentally. Obviously the large tummy wasn't making me feel great, but he seemed especially repulsed, he wanted nothing to do with me sexually anymore. Then i found his mountain of tissues in the attic (which might i add he goes up there EVERY DAY to smoke cannabis!). I was so distraught and hurt but he didn't understand, so i tried to understand him, and get through every day.

Since our baby was born, nothing has changed. He chooses porn over me. Porn games, porn folders on his pc, porn cam girls... It's disgusting to me, if i could start over, this is a value I would rule out in a potential partner - if we agree on porn use. He doesn't spend money on it thank god but im not happy mentally about it. Even when we do have sex, it's so poor. He tells me not to look at him, no kissing, no talking, no climax for me just him. I didn't realise how wrong this was until i thought back to the passionate, communicative sex with my ex and had a huge W T F!! moment. I had just become so accustomed to this new norm. Every time i discuss all this he changes for a bit then its back to the same. We casually get along well but he's so negative all the time, very anti-social (in his word he just "hates people") easy to anger, selfish. I don't get excited or feel anything except basic attatchment to him. But he's fantastic with our daughter so I can't stand the idea of leaving him, i know it would destroy him. And I so desperately want her to have a loving, two parent family; i never got to experience that.

I thought about maybe having a talk with him and suggesting we split ways relationship wise but stay supportive flatmates and raise her together? I don't know. Please help. I just want somebody who I can laugh with, hold hands with, have a good snog with, and of course emotionally connect with too

OP’s posts: |
sweetbirdofjuice Mon 14-Sep-20 18:51:52

So sorry to hear this OP flowers and congrats on your little DD.

You're not in a loving two parent home though and will never be with this guy so if that's what you want, I would focus on ending this while DD is so tiny, that way she won't know any different, keeping it as amicable as you can (at least from your side) and in time, looking to meet a man you do get on much better with and co-parenting with your current partner in different houses.

It sounds as though you do want that full and loving relationship and in all honesty, living with your ex for anything longer than the time taken to sort out the logistics for one of you to move out will seriously reduce your chances of meeting someone new. I know I would be extremely hesitatant to get involved with a man living in those circumstances.

I would stop trying to improve the sex side of things tbh, sounds like he has a porn and weed addiction and I certainly wouldn't entertain being instructed not to talk or kiss during sex any longer.

Sounds like this was a bit odd from the beginning tbh if he lied to his ex that you DID sleep together.

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