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handholding/ advice re police statement needed please

(80 Posts)
Weakmummy Mon 14-Sep-20 14:35:24

hi ladies
Yesterday my partner attacked me
He also tried to break through my front door as id had to lock him out because he was so out of control , I have it all on video him trying to break the door down
A friend called 999 by which time he had left
The police have took my statement the vidoes of him breaking in or trying to photos of my injuries they aren't bad and were planning to arrest him today for criminal damage plus common assault
I'm panicking now i didnt want him to get a criminal record loose his job maybe not find another job and his family are nuts so the backlash if he is charged will be huge
I've called the police to say I'm panicking and the officer has gone to speak to his sgt and get back to me
I just dont know what to do and im not strong enough for all the fight ill get back
Anyone been in a similar situation and had a partner charged for assault/ criminal damage?
What happened to them?

OP’s posts: |
username501 Mon 14-Sep-20 14:43:31

I know you're panicking but well done for firstly locking him out and then, having the nounce to video him. Love it.

Take a few deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. You've been through a shock and must be feeling overwhelmed with it all.

Is there a background OP? Is this an escalation of violence? Are you in contact with Victim Support or a domestic abuse organisation?

username501 Mon 14-Sep-20 14:50:45

You might find this helpful. It's a guide to reporting an offence and subsequent investigation.

I would contact the NCDV and get a non molestation order/Occupation Order. Give them a call and they can advise you: 0800 970 2070

Cuddling57 Mon 14-Sep-20 15:16:04

Handhold here as I have recently had similar worries although not my partner.
I think you may be able to withdraw your statement although that may not be the best thing for you to do.
There are victim support charities - maybe you should speak to someone x

Sunnydaysstillhere Mon 14-Sep-20 15:18:05

This is your chance to get rid of him. Grab it with both hands op...

Weakmummy Mon 14-Sep-20 16:51:11

It has been escalating yes he was never great but got 100x worse when I was pregnant with our son

His family are as abusive as him and have threatened me with making false claims to social services about me
Try and get my benefits stopped anything really to screw me over
They have called my work to say I'm on drugs in the past when I've said hes hurt meliterally anything to get back at me
I'm really scared of what they will do

OP’s posts: |
Rainagain72 Mon 14-Sep-20 17:20:46

Op, the police (and probably social services) have seen the like of him and his family more times than they care to remember. As I was told, the police are not interested in what criminals families say.

MitziK Mon 14-Sep-20 17:24:58

Him being prosecuted and getting a criminal record is your protection.

username501 Mon 14-Sep-20 17:38:39

OP you need to tell the police about the threats because they have evidence and may proceed to press ahead. You may need to go to a refuge and take it from there. A refuge usually has support staff that can help you with finding a new place to live and helping with finances etc

Contact your local domestic abuse organisation for help and support or contact the national helpline: 0808 2000 247

Weakmummy Mon 14-Sep-20 20:00:18

Thank you for all the replies
I dont need a refuge I have my own home in my sole name he doesnt have a key
I called the police earlier n had a wobble saying I was scared and he asked me if I wanted to retract my statement I said i didn't know and he went off to talk to his sgt and call me back as may not be my decision anyway
I havent had a call back
Pls dont jump on me for even considering it im just scared of the retaliation x

OP’s posts: |
username501 Mon 14-Sep-20 21:11:38

OP the refuge would be for if you were afraid of his family as they've made threats. A Non molestation would keep him away from you and is written specifically for your situation. I have given you the details of the NCDV who can organise an emergency injunction for you.

It's not up to you but the police if they want to take the incident to the CPS. Details of how it all works, is in the link I put just beneath your first post. Even if you withdraw the statement, they may decide they have enough evidence to proceed. You withdrawing the statement is no guarantee that his family or he, will leave you alone.

It would be a good idea to contact a domestic violence organisation who can give you more support and help you with any questions you have. You can discuss your safety concerns with them.

You're really brave for taking it this far, no one is going to jump on you. You're understandably frightened.

Weakmummy Mon 14-Sep-20 22:24:50

Update... hes just been arrested for assault and criminal damage
I have no idea what happens now does anyone know?

OP’s posts: |
indemMUND Mon 14-Sep-20 22:26:01

This might not be what you want to hear, but please press charges. You have to stand up for yourself. My biggest mistake was never pressing charges against my ex, the father of my child. After we finally split because I'd had enough he continues to cause havoc with me and any contact he has with DD nearly 9 years later. Even if you split it never ends when there's a child involved. I wish I had something behind me to really show him for what he is.

notsodimwit Mon 14-Sep-20 22:31:20

For you OP flowers you know you have done the right thing x

springlike Mon 14-Sep-20 22:36:29

He'll be interviewed, possibly tomorrow now. Then officer may have to put case to CPS for charges (depends a lot on the evidence, what he said, what previous convictions he has). You should be updated before he is released, he may be bailed with conditions not to contact you. Try and be brave, if he's done this before, he'll do this again.

Evilwasps Mon 14-Sep-20 22:52:27

OP you did the exactly the right thing. It's normal to question yourself when the adrenaline wears off and things are calm. But remember the reasons why you called the Police. He will do it again, and the fact you're scared of his family too is even more reason so let the Police do their job.

What happens next is that he will appear in court soon where the evidence the Police have gathered will be presented. He will be formally charged and likely bailed with conditions not to contact or come near you. You should be put in contact with various agencies such as your local domestic abuse team and victim support etc. Both can offer counselling, but the domestic abuse team work closely with the police and can offer support and advice to you regarding the process and what you can and should do. They deal with this all the time so they are very knowledgeable. You should definitely contact them so you don't feel so alone, they are really helpful. If you have children social work will be informed. That is daunting but remember they are only concerned with the children's welfare.

Please do not withdraw your statement. You are very brave to have got this far and you will be so much better off in the long run not having to worry about living in fear of the next time. Try to talk to someone in year life and give yourself time to process your emotions, that is often the hardest part. Sending you a virtual hug. Please keep posting for support

Evilwasps Mon 14-Sep-20 22:56:18

Sorry OP, I thought you had said the Police were going to charge him. What I've written is what happens when they decide to do so. That decision is based on the evidence they have. So next he'll be interviewed. Then if they decide to charge him he'll appear in court.

Remember that even if they don't you can still take out orders to protect yourself from him. Please contact your local domestic abuse team for support whatever happens, the Police can put you in touch with them

TheTeenageYears Mon 14-Sep-20 23:00:30

Once the police attend isn't it out of your hands what happens? Police have powers to prosecute without your statement don't they?

Weakmummy Mon 14-Sep-20 23:13:36

Thank you all the police did say they may charge without my statement but they may not more likely with than without is the gist I got im not sure if this is correct?
I feel very very low tonight keep having panic attacks chest pains and cant breathe
Although it is the right thing to do it hurts really bad hes not some stranger who's attacked me hes my babys dad and I do love him and I feel like I've caused all this
I'm even sat here panicking if hes OK is he scared are they being nice to him
How stupid is that but thats how I feel
My heads gone obviously so bear with me if I'm being ridiculous x

OP’s posts: |
Puppy72 Mon 14-Sep-20 23:23:32

Hi OP.
Yes, my ex partner regularly violently attacked me, he also on two occasions smashed up the house.. On all the occasions the neighbours called the police (6 or 7 times) they came to take statements off me and every single time I refused to press charges because I was of the same mindset as you.. I didn't want him to lose his job, get a criminal record and ultimately come after me.. The final incident in which I left shortly after, he attacked me so violently, in front of my daughter. He punched me in the face, tried to suffocate me, ripped my hair out and kicked me in the stomach. 6 police officers came to the house that night, he was immediately carted off. I again, didn't want to press charges for the same reasons above.. Now I've left him, his life is in tatters, he's not allowed to see our daughter due to the violence he's been advised by SS that if he was to go through court he'd get minimal, indirect or no contact for an extremely long time.. I look back at all that occurred when I was with him.. And I wished that final time I had pressed charges because he'd be in prison for assault now.. And also had I pressed charges previously it wouldn't have got to such a violent and horrific stage. You need this man out of your life. You do not need to own his guilt. He is accountable for his actions, nobody else. I would strongly suggest pressing charges and turn getting a non molestation order as then he cannot contact you.. Its an offence if he does. Do not feel guilty for him and don't let it get to the stage that I got to. The only person who will ruin his life is himself

Puppy72 Mon 14-Sep-20 23:30:08

You can also get a non molestation order granted "ex parte" which means he's not given notice. Mine was granted within 30 seconds of reading my witness statement and he was served the following day by a bailiff from the court.. He also can't allow third party to contact you which is any of his family and friends.. You have your own house OP, you don't need this bully for anything. Its not love. If he loved you, he would treat you with respect.

HadAGutful Mon 14-Sep-20 23:59:26

Weakmummy

Thank you all the police did say they may charge without my statement but they may not more likely with than without is the gist I got im not sure if this is correct?
I feel very very low tonight keep having panic attacks chest pains and cant breathe
Although it is the right thing to do it hurts really bad hes not some stranger who's attacked me hes my babys dad and I do love him and I feel like I've caused all this
I'm even sat here panicking if hes OK is he scared are they being nice to him
How stupid is that but thats how I feel
My heads gone obviously so bear with me if I'm being ridiculous x

Sending you a hug and a handhold! You’re right, this is not some stranger, it’s someone who should have done anything to protect you, and he didn’t. That isn’t love, it’s abuse. He threatened and hurt you, his baby’s mum. You’re not stupid, you are caring. You haven’t done anything wrong, in fact you’ve protected your child from an abusive future. You need him to have a criminal record to protect yourself and your child from him, because a man like that is capable of killing you. Stick to your plan and most of all never, ever go back to this man, and keep your child away from him.

Weakmummy Tue 15-Sep-20 00:03:07

Do you think he will get a criminal record for this then? That will affect his job and I didnt want that I dont want to ruin the man just for him to bloody stop

OP’s posts: |
OnceUponAMidnightBeery Tue 15-Sep-20 01:27:54

@Weakmummy

Sweetheart, you are not ruining him, his reputation or his livelihood. HE IS. He has. He chose his behaviour, he chose to terrorise and abuse you. The consequences are all on him.

He will never stop of his own accord. He doesn’t want to.

Sadly, you will never be able to make him want to.

You have done the right thing without question. His choices have lead him to this point. Not yours. You have no blame in this.

HadAGutful Tue 15-Sep-20 01:39:42

Weakmummy

Do you think he will get a criminal record for this then? That will affect his job and I didnt want that I dont want to ruin the man just for him to bloody stop

It’s not your fault at all. You aren’t ruining him- he did that all himself, you’re just not letting him get away with it, or hurt you again. If he assaulted a stranger in the street he would have gotten it on his record, and no one would have blamed the stranger for reporting it. No one would blame you - except his family and they sound like awful people. I’m sorry this has happened to you sad hold your head high and know you did the right thing

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