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Am I blowing things out of proportion?

(6 Posts)
Appleofmyeye05 Mon 14-Sep-20 12:51:40

Ex and I split up in March and in the last month/6 weeks he’s moved into a new house. We have 1 dc between us and he has 2 from previous relationships.

I’m feeling like he can’t be arsed to see our dc. Dc is under 1, not a handful I wouldn’t say, dc is a happy smiley baby who rarely whinges unless tired, teething or hungry so just the norm really.

Anyway, I feel like he’s making excuses not to have dc and it’s really starting to get to me. He said he’s just moved into a new house (this was 3 weeks ago) and what didn’t I get about that, it’s his first weekend in and he didn’t want to have any kids. He has contact with the other EOW. So he didn’t see our dc that weekend.

I’m at college and due to lockdown they have extended the days to 6pm, I asked if he could have dc overnight on My college day so it’s less upheaval for dc and could get settled as bedtime is 7. Said no, he has to prioritise going into work early for the over time. He has his other dc on Thursday overnight.

I had a bit of a funny turn the other week and thought I was having a stroke. Luckily it turned out to be the effects of a migraine, I rang 101 and they advised me to go onto hospital to be checked to be safe. I asked ex to have dc whilst I did this as dc was in bed, said no he was out drinking with friends and to ask my family or his mum.

This last weekend, he was meant to have dc overnight for the first time in a long time. He went out the night before as I could smell ale on him when I dropped off, text me all day and face timed me which upset my dc and eventually said he wasn’t having dc as it was ‘too hard’. He had made no arrangements for the travel cot to be taken to his house so lord knows where he was going to put dc to sleep. I was pissed off as I was looking forward to a full nights sleep and some time to myself but ex tried gaslighting me so I just collected dc and went home.

I feel like I’m at breaking point today I need a break and I had raised my voice to my dc as they were flicking food and grabbing the spoon during a feed and not letting me fasten their pants after a bum change and I feel terribly guilty. I have contacted ex who said ask my family he’s got his other kids this weekend and what didn’t I get about that?

How I have written this may seem it’s one sided but is he palming off his responsibility or am I just being precious?

My family aren’t really in the position to be helping me out as they have their own young children/ things going on and asking to have my dc would be adding pressure and I don’t want to do that and I think dc dad should be helping out seen as though.... he’s dc dad!

Hopefully I haven’t drop fed, ex also pairs half towards 1 day a week childcare and regular maintenance

OP’s posts: |
ButteryPuffin Mon 14-Sep-20 12:55:00

He should be involved but he's being crap and you can't force someone not to be a crap parent. I would make sure you're getting everything you're entitled to from him, through official channels so he can't just stop paying, and accept your child just won't see much of him. I would also document all this in case he does an about face later, probably when a new girlfriend comes on the scene, and says you've been denying him contact.

madcatladyforever Mon 14-Sep-20 12:57:42

He really is a lazy prick, he cannot be bothered with all of the hard work of taking care of a baby.
He sounds like a complete waste of space.
I'm afraid you won't be able to rely on him for co-parenting.

TwixTwixtwoo Mon 14-Sep-20 13:08:04

You're not being unreasonable but you can't force him to be a good dad unfortunately. Even if you formalised contact through the court he could still fail to show up/bring DC back early etc. so there's essentially nothing you can do.

My advice would be not to rely on him for anything, at least that way he can't let you down and retain control over your life. Stop expecting him to step up and do his share because he clearly isn't going to.

The consequences for him won't dawn on him until years down the line when he has no relationship with his DC and that's horrible for DC but all you can do is protect them from the effects of his disinterest as best you can and be the stable, solid parent they know they can rely on.

Sorry OP, I know it's not fair, on you or DC, but it's a futile exercise for you to keep expecting him to step up when he isn't going to.

Appleofmyeye05 Mon 14-Sep-20 13:18:10

Yes I agree.

He is reliable with his other dc which is good for them, but winds me up as he can’t do the same for our child.

He had a bit of a rough time getting contact with one of his dc (his ex wanted to stop contact over a variety of petty reasons) and as I was with him at the time I saw how much it upset him and affected him so I have always included him in everything to do with our dc. First days at nursery, loads of pictures and videos, face time whenever he wants, voice clips of dc first words - he seems to like to have contact this way only. From afar.

This past weekend he said he would have dc on the Sunday but as I had basically wasted a day having time to myself I needed to run my errands I was going to do on the Sunday morning whilst dc was with ex and although I could of dropped him off, I thought why should I run around like a headless chicken facilitating contact when he has decided he can be bothered, so I didn’t take dc. I wasn’t being spiteful, I had my shopping to do, errands to run and then Sunday dinner at my dads so I would of been rushing around, back and forth and it was easier for me to keep dc with me whilst I did what I needed to do.

OP’s posts: |
TwixTwixtwoo Mon 14-Sep-20 14:21:59

That's exactly the attitude you have to take I think OP, get on with your own life and do what's easiest/best for you and DC. Obviously you're not going to obstruct contact but if he doesn't stick to plans he loses his opportunity, you shouldn't have to change your plans to accommodate him.

I'm on the other side of this in that my DH has DC he had to fight his ex to see. The most important thing he did all the way along was turn up when he said he would, however difficult ex made things he always tried to show the DC they could rely on him and that they are his priority.

They're adult now and closer to us than they are to the ex despite never living with us. They know very little about what went on when they were younger but they do know DH has always been there for them and that's why they're so close now. That's what your ex is throwing away, and it will end up being his loss because your DC will have learned not to need him and that you are the parent they can rely on. He's an idiot if you ask me and it's a good job DC has you flowers

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