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Dating a man with children is it worth it?

(70 Posts)
EmilyAlice19 Sun 13-Sep-20 21:56:11

I’ve been on a few of dates with a man who has three children. His children are 2, 8 and 10. Him and his ex partner are not on the best of terms, I believe she is still madly in love with him and they were together for 10 years so I understand it is hard to let go especially when you didn’t want the relationship to end. They have been separated for a year now.
As much as I really like this man I am unsure of whether or not this is too much baggage for me to take on? I am 25 years old with a demanding career, I have no children of my own and would like children in the future. He has told me he would not like more children in the future out of respect for his other three children but if he met the right person he may be swayed on this decision. Am I jumping in two feet first and getting ahead of myself or am I being practical and wanting to know what I want before this gets any future.
I’d love to hear other people’s views and experiences.

OP’s posts: |
CausingChaos2 Sun 13-Sep-20 21:58:05

I’d run for the hills tbh. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, you don’t need someone with added complications like needing to be persuaded into having children with you.

PatsyClinSilVousPlait Sun 13-Sep-20 21:58:07

I your case, no by the sounds of things.

YouJustDoYou Sun 13-Sep-20 22:00:04

God, no, I wouldn't at only mid twenties.

Sunnydaysstillhere Sun 13-Sep-20 22:01:36

Run op...
Very fast.

pumpkinpie01 Sun 13-Sep-20 22:04:28

If she is still in love with him how do you know she won't cause problems in the relationship? I went out with a man whose ex was still obsessed with him , it didn't end well.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 13-Sep-20 22:06:07

Nooooo. Don’t do it. Walk away. It sounds messy and your life will be complicated, filled with angst and drama and awful.

Do you want your own DC?

If there’s a chance you might, don’t settle down a man who wants you to devote your life to his and only may be interested in you getting to be a mum too.

user165423256322 Sun 13-Sep-20 22:06:13

I'd have thought it quite clear you are not a good match. It will only bring aggravation and heartache into your life. Why do that to yourself?

ChickensMightFly Sun 13-Sep-20 22:06:21

The fact that he's said he didn't want more children but might for the right person is a red flag. Sounds like carrot dangling and time wasting to me. I predict either your opportunity to be a mother is not with this man, or if it did happen there would be a massive disparity in the respective status of the children as yours would always be the ones he only had cos his new girlfriend wanted them when he would have been happy to stop at 3.
Add to that you only have his side of what the score is between why things with the ex are not settled.
I don't think this is a keeper for you.

sunnysideover Sun 13-Sep-20 22:06:31

Hell no! Run, run, run...

I’m 30 years old and having a baby with my DP but before I met him I wouldn’t even consider dating a man with 1 child let alone 3 and on top of that an ex wife who’s still in love with him! You can never and will never be no1 in this mans life, his ex wife will cause you nothing but grief and he doesn’t want anymore children he’s only saying he’s open to the possibility to keep you. Cut your losses and date men without any baggage smile

SandyY2K Sun 13-Sep-20 22:08:02

I am 25 years old with a demanding career, I have no children of my own and would like children in the future.

You have too much going for you to settle with a man with 3 kids and an Ex who according to him still wants him.

You're young, no kids career...don't saddle yourself with a man with so much baggage.....even if he wanted more kids I'd advise you to steer clear.

You're at the age where you can have your pick and don't need to put yourself through the stress that this relationship will bring you.

blisstwins Sun 13-Sep-20 22:09:59

You are young, his kids are super young, you want kids, he doesn’t want more....never mind the time and finances that come with 3 kids. I would not continue with him. If you were older, he wanted more kids, and his kids were older that might be different, but in this case it seems crazy.

bunnyonthemantle Sun 13-Sep-20 22:13:19

Nope. Not in your case. Not in most people's cases tbh. This fb post sums up step
Mother life

I now pronounce you man and wife. Oh! And here’s a child that you didn’t create but you have to treat it like your own.

You must keep them properly clothed, feed them adequately, and you are in charge of their overall well-being every day that they with you. Their life is literally in your hands.

Except... you can’t be involved with the ACTUAL raising decisions. That’s up to your husband and some other woman that now dictates what happens in your house and your daily life.

So, to be clear, you have no say in their health decisions, extracurricular activities, or religion. It’s totally overstepping to provide your input on that.

But do make sure you’re wiping their bottoms after they poop and going behind them to brush their teeth properly every night, because, essentially, you are now a mom. Congrats!

BUT also you should probably try to avoid disciplining them. Leave that up to the husband when he’s home. You don’t want to be seen as the evil step-mom, do you? Do your best to present yourself as the fun-loving “aunt” in the situation.

But unlike their aunt, you definitely need to make sure that their school work is taken care of. It would look bad on your family unit if they should fall behind in academics. That’s actually grounds for losing visitation time with them.

So - just one more thing - you’ll need to try to be amicable with your new husband’s ex. You will be seeing her at least once a week and in some cases multiple times a week. She and your husband will and should have regular conversations via phone calls, email, and texts. These conversations are really none of your business but they’ll effect how you live your day-to-day. If she’s high-conflict you’ll probably spend months of your life preparing for multiple and very stressful court trials throughout your marriage. It’s all just part of your new “gig”.

I know this is a lot. Just take one day at a time. And remember, when you said “I do” just now, you knew what you were getting yourself into. You knew he had kids.

No pressure.

I would also add-
If he does agree to have kids with you, his income will always be hugely cut into by three lots of child maintenance which means less for your own kids.
Run fast very fast girl

DariaMorgendorffer Sun 13-Sep-20 22:14:25

I'm 35 and I'd run. Don't do it. I say that as a single parent myself.

edwinbear Sun 13-Sep-20 22:18:31

Christ no, you will be at the bottom of his list of priorities. He’ll cancel plans, holidays will be difficult and have to work around his contact time, he’ll be skint, they will be fall outs with his ex. You have your whole life ahead of you, choose one without the baggage.

Subtledifference Sun 13-Sep-20 22:19:03

Don't do it, from someone who did and got a hell of a lot more to deal with than I anticipated for the next 5+ years

Anordinarymum Sun 13-Sep-20 22:21:56

As someone who became a step mother (God I hate that term) to two children aged 7 and 9 when I was 22 I would say to you to run and don't look back.
It took my young life away. There were massive problems and I was not able to deal with a lot of it. I ended up miserable even though I did my best, and my husband seemed to think the role I had slipped into was almost a duty.
I felt resentful. There was no time off, and I was tied to a full time job, a house and children to look after and it was all too much. The children were well looked after but my needs were largely ignored. I became invisible.

Katiefizz Sun 13-Sep-20 22:26:14

You will always be fourth on his list of priorities.... And some people may disagree with me but he separated a family with three children when the youngest was just a year old. That's not something that appeals to me in a man ( or woman) if I'm being absolutely honest.

And that " if he meets the right person he may be swayed to have more children?". So if you play your cards right you might get to be a mum? Wow. Lucky you.

You're 25. This is a very poor match. Move on.

BexR Sun 13-Sep-20 22:33:37

Nope. Get out now.

My ex had 2 kids. Somehow I became childminder every weekend. So much so it became an issue if I made other plans with friends at the weekend.

I was always the lowest priority, I couldn't suggest holidays together, we'd have to rush home from days out for piano lessons etc.

He didnt want more kids but kept me hanging on with "maybes".

Ten years of it. I loved the kids. We split up and I have minimal contact with them just messages every now and then, it was heartbreaking.

I should never have got involved.

jessstan2 Sun 13-Sep-20 22:35:28

No! Don't even consider it. He separated from his wife leaving a one year old and his wife still loves him. Red flags all over the place. Run a mile.

GreyShadow Sun 13-Sep-20 22:36:07

If you were in your 30s and had your own kids. Yes.

But at your young age, nope! Run!!

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls Sun 13-Sep-20 22:38:25

As it is a very new situation you will not see the impact of his parenting responsibility for a good while yet but be under no illusion it is there.

At a minimum usually every other weekend will be planned around his children for the next 15 odd years. Some holidays will usually include his children. Co parenting with his ex doesn't end after they become 18 either. His financial situation will be impacted with maintenance payments for the next 16 years and that doesn't include if they enter higher education.

What if he doesn't change his mind about having more children in the future? He has not really confirmed that he will change his mind.

It sounds a cliche but you are in the prime of your life with what sounds like a good career. Run.

Cherrygirl3 Sun 13-Sep-20 22:41:53

Another "run for the hills" vote from me. It's highly unlikely to end well ime.

Edinburghfalls Sun 13-Sep-20 22:47:13

Don’t do it.
He will never be able to give you what you need. You could meet a great man with no children and no ex and spend the next few years working on your careers, having nice holidays and enjoying your free time and then together deciding freely how how many children you want.
Instead you could spend your late twenties looking after his children, having to deal with his ex, and them maybe one day he might be swayed to have a child with you. Or but if not, you can just look after his children?!

Sewsosew Sun 13-Sep-20 22:47:35

“I believe she is still madly in love with him”

You’ve not met her, so how have you come to this conclusion?

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