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Why am I finding it so hard to tell him its over

(17 Posts)
OneDayIllStopNamechanging Sun 13-Sep-20 19:59:43

Just that.
Been with DP over 4 years, one DD and on SD. It's never been brilliant between us but at least in the early days there was a 'spark'. Now I feel nothing. I like him, I care for him and I dont wish anything bad upon him but the thought of spending another year together, let alone the rest of our lives together makes me want to cry.

We've had a lot of financial issues (hes a recovering gambling addict) and now were finally in a position where we are financially comfortable but I'm still not happy. The money and nice things, shopping trips etc are great and i thought maybe one the money worries eased I'd start to love him again but I havnt.

There have been issues with SD and with her mum occasionally, less so recently but I feel like the past has taken its toll. I dont enjoy SDs company, her behaviour is generally rude and entitled. Neither DP or her mum do much about it, DP works full time so bare the brunt of it. We do things together, shopping, baking, crafts but I just dont like it anymore. I sound awful but I cant change how I feel about it and trust me I've tried.

DP is dull and boring, he doesn't really have friends or even hobbies so he has nothing to talk about. He doesn't seem to be able to hold down a job, grass is always greener, so he never really makes friends at work. When ever we go anywhere in the car we just drive in silence as he has nothing to say, either that or I just talk and he doe the obligatory 'ye' or what ever at the appropriate moment. The knock on effect is I hate going for days out with him as we just drive there in silence, walk around I'm silence, drive home in silence.

Hes not some awful guy, but deep down I think I know the issues are beyond fixing yet I cant seem to find the guts to just tell him. Every now and again he mentions something for the future, like decorating and I feel terrible lying to him, pretending to be excited. I'm finally in a position where I can afford to leave him and be financially independent I just need to bloody tell him sad

OP’s posts: |
billy1966 Sun 13-Sep-20 20:21:31

OP,

It's clearly over.
Thank goodness you are financially independent.
You have wasted 4 years on him.
His gambling destroyed your relationship.
I get that.
It must have been very stressful.
He is not your responsibility.
Get organised and get out.

Anything else is wasting your time.

Have you a child with him?
I hope not.
It can be a clean break.

The sooner the plaster is ripped off, the better for you.
Good luck.

OneDayIllStopNamechanging Sun 13-Sep-20 20:33:47

We have toddler DD together. Ideally I just want to move on amicably, but he still thinks were going to grow old together so I suspect there may be more emotional upset from him which may make it harder.

OP’s posts: |
funnylittlefloozie Sun 13-Sep-20 21:07:40

He may be upset, yes. But he will get over it. Hopefully in time you two can co-parent DD amicably.

WakingUp55643 Sun 13-Sep-20 23:34:53

Similar here. I feel sick when he talks about things that we might do, paying off the mortgage, fixing the conservatory, going on holiday, even Christmas and upcoming birthdays. I don't want any of these things with him. It looks like he assumes all of this will naturally happen, and although I've told him I'm unhappy and that I don't have those feelings for him anymore, been to counselling etc, he still sees this future together. It's hard to know how to spell it out without being cruel.

SengaMac Sun 13-Sep-20 23:45:33

It's hard to know how to spell it out without being cruel.
WakingUp55643, that's what he's counting on - that he can just keep things chugging along as usual and you won't push it.

TheBlueStocking Mon 14-Sep-20 06:40:01

Not to be harsh in any way, but could you try flipping it in your head and thinking that it's cruel to continue a relationship with him when you know it's not going anywhere? Would that make it easier?

FippertyGibbett Mon 14-Sep-20 06:45:52

The resentment has kicked in, you can’t forget past behaviour and you probably spend an amount of time looking to see if he’s still doing it.
I’m in a similar position and wish I had the guts to start the end , but it’s easier to coast.
I’m older than you and can see that there will be nothing holding us together when the kids have gone.
Be brave and good luck 💐

crystalize Mon 14-Sep-20 06:47:58

Seriously that is no way to live. I felt your pain describing the silence when going on outings. How utterly soul destroying. Also agree it's cruel stringing him along as well. So what if he's going to be upset, you are not responsible for him, he will get over it. Time to stop the guilt and do the sensible thing. If too difficult to talk, write it down in a letter for him?

OneDayIllStopNamechanging Mon 14-Sep-20 08:43:48

I've told him maybe 3 times in the last 12 months that I'm not sure I'm happy anymore, he just says give it time but I have and now I think I'm pretty sure how I feel isnt going to change. I think part of it is fear of regret, what if it isnt better leaving him and I've made a mistake?
Tbh I think he is just happy with the status quo, it's easy, we have money and everything just ticks along quietly with mainly no issues now. It is easy but that doesn't mean I like it.

I'm going to have to put on my big girl pants and just tell him. I'm going to view potential rented properties to move into today and he still has no idea

OP’s posts: |
BuffaloCauliflower Mon 14-Sep-20 08:46:44

Just tell him. Rip the plaster off. No one benefits from dragging it on, and you could both meet someone else who really makes you happy sooner.

something2say Mon 14-Sep-20 08:49:28

Once you've done it, you'll feel so much lighter and can start focussing on the future.

Sit him down and explain how you feel. Give him an hour to deny it's TRUE and plea bargain. Refuse it all kindly. Then go out.

Afterwards, live lives more separately and plan your exit. It really will feel better.

SengaMac Mon 14-Sep-20 10:16:02

I'm going to view potential rented properties to move into today

That's a good thing to do, as it'll help to make it all more real and help you to be decisive.

pumpkinpie01 Mon 14-Sep-20 10:33:06

Honestly being single will be better than living like this , you will feel liberated and free. Then one day you will meet someone who you truly click with . Please tell him ASAP and don't be swayed.

OneDayIllStopNamechanging Mon 14-Sep-20 21:12:50

Spent the day mentally preparing to have 'that conversation', he surprised me with flowers and chocolates after work to cheer me up as DD is being very demanding at the moment sad so the conversation is still to be had.
The estate agent cancelled the viewings today, though I think it is fate as I've arranged to go see the perfect house tomorrow now.

OP’s posts: |
billy1966 Tue 15-Sep-20 19:10:19

Good luck with the perfect house.
You deserve it.flowers

JulesCobb Tue 15-Sep-20 19:14:22

Good luck tomorrow

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