Recently my husband left without warning, leaving me devastated and to care for our very young children.
It has now materialised that he has had an affair and actually the reason he left is because he's met another woman, they're meant to be in love etc.
This is obviously completely floored me all over again and I now I feel like I am starting all over again with my grief.
I'm already doing all the practical stuff (lawyers, ducks in row etc).
But my question is to those of you unfortunate enough to go through this yourself, how do I get my head around how much of a dickhead my husband actually is? He certainly wasn't perfect and we'd had issues but I never thought he could be this awful. Not just to have the affair but to actually chose her and leave me and his tiny ones (who he is meant to live so much).
How do I reconcile who I thought he was and who he actually is?
I know eventually I will get through this and feel relief I'm no longer with such a dickhead but right now I'm reeling.
Sadly I know a lot of you have been through similar as it is such a frequent subject on Mumsnet, so it would be useful to know how you eventually accepted who your (ex) husband really is.
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Relationships
Husband has left for OW - how do I get used to how much of a dickhead he really is?
Noconceptofnormal · 13/09/2020 19:40
Definitely spending time with good friends and some counselling if you can afford it. 
My xh continues to plumb new depths and it's been a decade! The difference is that I am not hurt anymore, so I can treat him with the indifference he deserves. It does get easier, but it may well get harder first as pps said, but it does get easier
Hi OP, just to say I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's such a cruel thing to happen to a person who has mothered a mans children, it's harder as there is no chance of cutting free from the twat to heal easier
I'm 10 months ahead of you and it's still hard. Once the flurry is over of keeping busy sorting out finances, rearranging the home/childcare/career and getting the kids through the initial shock of what's happened, you're left with yourself to work on, and that's the really hard bit. So I'm here to say be kind to yourself.
I found it really hard to transition overnight from still caring for my ex to absolute rage at what he'd done... and that's how the last few months have been, a rollercoaster of up and down emotions. I have to see him at least 3 times a week for children drop offs, he's always the same gentle personality, chatty etc it's easy to fall into what we were like when we were together, but when I get home I then feel such anger and guilt with myself that someone's treated me with such contempt yet I can stand chatting to that person like nothings happened because it still feels natural. He's behaved appallingly and left me in bits emotionally, yet some days I still find myself thinking fondly of him or missing him. There's no sense in it 
"WORK TROUSERS"
When I catch myself fondly remembering a time together, these words help me to keep myself from forgetting what a dick he was to me. 3 weeks before it all came out, he asked me to turn up the hems on some trousers I bought him for his new job, I spent ages on my hands and knees pinning the bloody things while he wore them, then after a long15 hour shift at work, sat hand stitching them for hours getting them perfect for him. He LET me do that knowing he was meeting and "in love" with another woman for a whole year behind my back. So those trousers (that he still wears) are a reminder to me of what a callous, manipulative, shameless, using cunt he actually is.
One day I know I won't need "work trousers". The days I feel indifferent towards him are already beginning to overtake the days I miss him. It just takes time OP, you'll get there
I'm only sorry I didn't know or I'd have sewn prawns inside the hems. Hope your word is a more interesting one 
x
@WiserOlder I do hope you have now treated yourself to a lovely new set of saucepans, did he even use the ones he so lovingly picked I wonder. I'm so glad to hear you had the strength to break free of the shackles, I know it's hard putting yourself back together but you should be proud of yourself
@Princesspolly they treat you with such contempt because it lessens the guilt they feel for what they did/are doing. They build up in their head that you're an arsehole who actually DESERVED to be cheated on.
But, Everytime they see you, they remember what they did, everytime they look at our childrens faces, or look in the mirror at themselves.. they KNOW what they did. Imagine living the rest of your life with the knowledge you could do that to a person, let alone someone you loved and had children with.
You'll get there, keep going- one day at a time
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