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Is it really bad that I want someone to show an interest in me for once?

(13 Posts)
Ultrasingle Sun 13-Sep-20 12:16:18

In every relationship I have ever had it has always been me making the first move and asking out. I had no problem doing this. I just thought everybody did it.

I lost a lot of confidence in my marriage because my husband turned all this around and said he had never wanted to be with me in the first place. He said and did plenty other horrible stuff too, but now I have that in my mind.

I keep reading that men like to do the chasing and I feel hmm about that but now I genuinely feel like I want a man to show interest in me off his own bat.

I am a feminist. I don't want a neanderthal. I feel pathetic for wanting this.

OP’s posts: |
LilOldMe Sun 13-Sep-20 12:19:54

It’s unfashionable on here, but I 100% agree with you. I pursued my first husband (not aggressively, just that I replied to his advert on the online-dating site) and that whole relationship was him being the beloved special person, and me being the chaser.

I bowed never to go that again. My second husband pursued me right from the start, and the difference in the whole relationship is night and day. It’s lovely now. We are equals. He’s proud to have me. He looks after me (as I do him) and genuinely cares.

WinterBerry7 Sun 13-Sep-20 12:27:23

Same. I’ve been seeing a guy for 10 months, we once had a discussion about how he never initiates anything and he said if I wanted to do something I just had to ask. I wish he’d take the lead sometimes as to me I just feel like he isn’t that bothered. It really bugs me.

Ultrasingle Sun 13-Sep-20 12:34:26

Yes the theme continued throughout the marriage with him never suggesting one bloody thing. Yet he would organise plenty for friends, colleagues and relatives.

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FishPalace Sun 13-Sep-20 12:40:58

Not unreasonable at all. The only thing I would say is that if you’ve literally always had to do the asking out, might it be that you are ending up in relationships with rather passive, low-energy men who are reluctant to act on anything?

I say this watching the fallout from the end of some friends’ marriage. After a long LD relationship, she proposed to him, and his narrative is now that everything in their joint lives was her decision, not his. And while in some ways he’s right, I can see perfectly well that she made all the big decisions because he’s a very, very passive person who, left to himself, would never have even moved in with her (after eight years!), far less proposed marriage or decided whether or not to have children.

FishPalace Sun 13-Sep-20 12:42:52

Sorry, didn’t see your most recent post. This sounds familiar!

username501 Sun 13-Sep-20 12:58:03

I think you're showing a lot of self reflection and insight into patterns. I would have a think about why you chose the people you did. Are there any similarities? We sometimes find ourselves interested in people we have to chase, because we had a distant or emotionally disengaged parent.

There is nothing wrong with asking someone out and I am also a feminist but sometimes it is nice to be chased. The reason you're advised to let men do the chasing is because they are more invested in you when the relationship starts.

How many times have you lusted after something out of reach (a bag, shoes, first edition of a favourite book - I'm not all about stereotypes!) only to have got it and then flung it into a corner gathering dust? What about something you got free? Are you more inclined to work hard at something your spend a thousand pounds on, than something you got for free? They may be the exact same thing but you've invested more in the former, therefore it's worth more.

In my opinion, you can really gauge someone's interest if you let them chase you at the beginning. If they lose interest very quickly then they're really not into you at all. I also think about how I am when I like someone. I want to find out everything about them, spend time getting to know them etc So if someone isn't showing the same interest, I would cut my losses.

Iknowwhatsgoodforme Sun 13-Sep-20 13:16:39

My husband chased me relentlessly from the minute he set eyes on me. It took almost a year for me to show any interest and then as soon as I married him the control and manipulation started. Not sure being pursued is guarantee of being adored and cared for.

BuggerBognor Sun 13-Sep-20 13:27:53

I’ve never been pursued by anyone. I did the hard work with DH. I don’t think I’m attractive enough to be chased by a man (and I’m too old and fat now!)

username501 Sun 13-Sep-20 13:29:16

There's a difference between someone showing a healthy interest and wearing you down over a year, then bulldozing you into marriage and subsequent abuse.

Ultrasingle Sun 13-Sep-20 14:01:14

They have all been very different. I have only had a very small number of significant relationships so I am not seeing any real patterns.

I am sorry that happened to you @Iknowwhatsgoodforme . Unfortunately abusive men often first show their hand shortly after marriage or during pregnancy, and that was certainly true in my marriage.

In my opinion, you can really gauge someone's interest if you let them chase you at the beginning. If they lose interest very quickly then they're really not into you at all. I also think about how I am when I like someone. I want to find out everything about them, spend time getting to know them etc So if someone isn't showing the same interest, I would cut my losses

I think this is the sort of thing I mean.

OP’s posts: |
Sakurami Sun 13-Sep-20 14:03:22

I think it has to be a balance. I wouldn't be interested in someone who hasn't shown an interest so because of that I've never made the first move. However, once interest is established then both have to make an effort or it isn't worth it. If he loses interest once you show an interest back, then he's not someone you should be with and if he only responds to you when you suggest something, then he's also not right for you.

JaffaJaffJaffpussycatpuss Sun 13-Sep-20 14:43:31

I reach to Matthew Hussey and his 'get the guy' book for things like this.
He is brilliant.

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