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Blindsided by husband leaving.(6 Posts)
I apologise in advance for the long post, I just need somewhere I can organise my thoughts and hope that someone has some words of support.
I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 6 with 2 children. We have a mortgage, and what I thought was a normal happy family life.
Since covid my husband's hours were cut at work, he was unable to do his regular activities and was obviously miserable much like the rest of us. However as things eased and he started to socialise he started mentioning a new "friend". His behaviour changed and in my gut I knew that something wasn't right. Cue my birthday where he put in zero effort and I knew that something was seriously wrong. I asked him if he loved me and he said no, he didn't love me the way he should, that he was bored with our life and he didn't want to be with me anymore. I asked him if anyone else was involved and he said no. Now I've always been very open that if you are unhappy and there is nothing that can be done to fix it you are free to leave. However much it hurt me I wouldn't force someone to live a life of unhappiness. It was my son's birthday 4 days after mine so I wanted us to be adult and have some open conversations over the next few days. He maintained no one else was involved, said that I bored him and didn't give him any attention, we weren't the same people anymore and he just didn't feel as he should about me. So the day after my son's birthday he left and went to his mum's, he told the children he wasn't happy and didn't love me the way that he should.
Over the next week we still saw eachother with the children and he started to say things like he'd always love me as I'm the mother to his children, and it was giving me false hope that we could sort things out.
So I managed rightly or wrongly to get on to his Facebook messages and everything I suspected was confirmed.
He had been meeting up with his "friend" in secret even before he left, explicit messages, talking about their relationship. Saying horrible things about me. Saying things like "walking with you hand in hand in the sea was the most alive I've ever felt". But also clearly apparent was that they hadn't slept together yet, not that he wasn't literally begging for it. Now he was making it out like everything I was suspecting was in my head, and seeing it all in black and white finally gave me some clarity.
Anyway cue me confronting them both, her being totally vile to me and him denying that what was going on with her was nothing to with the way he felt about our marriage (I think he honestly believes that).
Now her damage is done and she's had her fun with a married man she no longer interested, he's realised she's a weirdo and apparently they are no more.
So at this point I wasn't sure what I wanted, do I want him to beg to come home? So I can tell him no, do I want to work on things for our children?
What I didn't want was for him to take off his wedding ring, change his marital status on facebook, join tinder and be dating already! This is all within a month of first telling me he didn't love me anymore.
I want to hate him, he has totally destroyed me but why do I still care for him so much?
I am a hardworking mother, I have a good job and can afford our life without his contribution. He is living out of a bag at his mum's, with a part time job and no money. He can't afford to live alone. I have to maintain a relationship with him, of course for the children but also I need him to do his share of childcare so I can continue to work. But even then when he's with the children, he's in the house that I'm paying for, feeding them the food I've bought. He is completely taking advantage but how do I stop it when I need him so I can work?
I'm at a total loss of how to move forward from here. How can someone who you've given your everything to be so cruel?
Start getting a lawyer involved. What an absolute twat he is OP. It doesn't feel like it right now but you are well rid of him
Stop him coming to your house for a start. He can see the children at his new address!
My ex used to come to see our DC one week night a week and would turn up expecting me to make him dinner 😂 he actually stopped coming to see the DC when I pointed out that no, I wouldn't be feeding him.
I'm so sorry OP.
Honestly, I think your best route to peace is to own your justified anger. Stop him coming into the home he left. Don't do the "pick me" dance, its a one way ticket to utter misery and low self esteem. How could he lie and be so fucking cruel to you? Deep down you'll always know that he's capable of the most utterly despicable, disrespectful behaviour to you - so don't sell yourself short by agreeing to take him back.
Get practical. Get a shit hot solicitor. Look at alternative childcare/work options if you need to. Grey rock him on every topic that isn't the basic practicalities of arrangements for the kids.
Talk to people in real life. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Anyone who might say different is a waste of your tine, but I think any decent person would absolutely be 100% on your side.
I agree with get practical but that means thinking things through. You need to separate you emotional response to the end of the relationship from the obvious practical difficulties of co parenting.
In relationship terms you cannot work out what he wants in his life. This isn’t about you and it wasnt about her or the new hers. He needs to deal with his unhappiness. You can only move on.
The coparenting situation isn’t ideal. But what are the alternatives. The house is jointly owned. He is doing a lot of parenting because you work and he doesn’t. If not him doing it, then who and where.
I’m sure SHL would be able to make cases for you getting things but then they can do that for him too. You work, he looks after the children. He is a low earner and you are a high earner. Change the genders on that and you have a lot to lose and he has a lot to gain from a legal dispute.
It’s a shit situation but it doesn’t need to be made worse.
Thank you all, I hate having to rely on him to help with the childcare but I work shifts that are long hours 7-9 or nights. At the moment we have agreed that he will come to the house so I can leave for work, he'll take the children to school and then either he/ our parents (like before) will pick them up and he will come to the house either after school/work until I come home.
If I'm on nights he will stay at the house overnight whilst I'm at work.
Obviously once he's got his own place he will look after them there.
I am fortunate that he isn't sherking his parenting responsibility but I do not want to have to rely on him!! But he's left me in the shit and I'm lucky enough that I can afford all of the bills without now having to pay out for a childminder.
Changing jobs doesn't seem feasible. I'm a nurse specialist and I love my job and am specifically qualified in my role so I can't just move to something else without taking a significant pay cut.
He's off on a date tonight, I can't help myself from asking it's like self inflicted torture.
I don't know how to move on from this situation.
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