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Long sorry... Just in shock - need the collective expertise of Mumsnet- DH and hook up site

(160 Posts)
Tempnamelady Sat 12-Sep-20 18:38:55

Before I hark back to previous posts and advice I’ve been given on here, I really need some advice/info from those more IT technically proficient than me before I jump to conclusions. More of the rest later.
DH out cycling earlier, left his phone, no biggie usually does, he also commented earlier that he was going out and leaving it as it didn’t have much charge.
He isn’t glued to his phone , I know the unlock code. I’ve just been getting a bit of a vibe off him lately , things haven’t been great and you’ve all offered your take on it which was appreciated. Anyway.. I swiped Left on his phone and a calendar entry came up for today it said ‘Sex hook up 3.6 miles from your location and a time this afternoon’ After nearly dropping the phone in shock I tried to open it and it said it couldn’t open as the Calendar app had been deleted. As I said I’m not great with tech but thinking about it , I reinstalled the calendar app in his phone ( I have since deleted it again and he himself isn’t a great tech person so even if you could tell he wouldn’t notice). Anyway a load of notifications/times ( only in last few days) came up ,they were from Thursday to today . Basically local women looking for sex hook ups some of it was pretty graphic with locations and times . There’s a website mentioned called ( cringe) banglocals.com and Something called Https:anamuel-careslie.com which seems to be some sort of url link to porn hook up websites.

So nothing before Thurs that I could see and nothing after today.

Right this is where I need your advice and expertise, at the moment I’m pretty shaky and churning but trying to stay calm as DS and his girlfriend are here, DH at the pub. Does this mean he has signed up to a hook up site? Do you think he has deleted his calendar deliberately knowing I do see his phone on occasion? I am sure he wouldn’t know that the entries would still come up on swipe even if he deleted his calendar app, he’s not that tech savvy. I can’t understand why you would delete your calendar app, it’s kind of standard isn’t it? I did use to use mine a bit though I rely on Alexa for reminders these days. He wouldn’t use a calendar app for anything like appointments etc.

Can this thing ever just accidentally end up on your phone, I’m guessing not but I don’t want to look like a complete tit if they can. I am trying to keep my powder dry and will be able to get his phone again tomorrow as no doubt he will be out on his bike at some point. If it’s legit then he’s fucking history, we’ve had some pretty big issues of late and things aren’t great anyway but if he was even contemplating using a site to meet women then I’m gone. I will be fine , I am not at all dependent on him, I have a successful career, a lovely adult DS, tons of friends and money in the bank.

But before I get ahead of myself , if anyone can offer any advice on whether this means he has signed up and anything else I can do to get proof if he is on site/s then I’d be really really grateful.

I think I need a drink.

OP’s posts: |
MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously Sat 12-Sep-20 18:47:49

I'm sorry, but I don't see how this can end up accidentally on his phone. I think he is unaware that deleting the calendar app still means he gets notifications, so I would suspect that he regularly installs and deletes the app. I'm not the most tech savvy but in all my years of owning a phone I've never had this stuff just appear.
Screenshot what you see and send it to yourself, then delete the screenshot from the camera roll. Check his internet history if you can. I hope lots of knowledgeable people come along in a minute to advise you

Dollyrocket Sat 12-Sep-20 18:50:38

Might help to share what type of phone make it is, e.g. iPhone 8.

Tempnamelady Sat 12-Sep-20 19:00:29

I think an I phone 6/6s . I’ve screen shotted everything and e mailed to myself he doesn’t know about the e mail address it’s one I use for work related stuff ( not my work e mail ) and I also have the screenshots in my phone but I have hidden them so they will not be visible, I didn’t know you could do that till today but then why would I when I wouldn’t need to hide anything.

OP’s posts: |
Manolin Sat 12-Sep-20 19:03:05

Could be looking at porn and this is an unsolicited click bait.

ButteryPuffin Sat 12-Sep-20 19:04:31

I'm not techy but you can go through all the times and dates and establish whether he was out then and whether he could have not been where you thought he was. If he was, for each one, then that's not looking good. It does also look dodgy to delete your calendar app. Why bother? You can just ignore if you don't use it.

Tempnamelady Sat 12-Sep-20 19:06:38

One of them says Something like ‘luckily I’ve found you on this site? ‘ or something though ? I’m not saying it couldn’t be what you say but not being tech savvy and surely it must link to an e mail address to end up on his calendar ? I could sign up for the site and snoop but I honestly don’t want any e mail address of mine associated with it and plus if I saw him on it I think I would be on a murder charge by morning.

OP’s posts: |
Tempnamelady Sat 12-Sep-20 19:08:24

Thanks keep the posts coming , any techy experts or others who have been in similar situation. I don’t want to believe it but I’m not being made a mug of either.

OP’s posts: |
Divebar Sat 12-Sep-20 19:10:56

Is it your thought that he arranged to meet
a woman through a hook up site and in doing so the site created an automatic entry in his calendar? And rather than delete the entry he deleted the whole app? I’m sorry OP it’s a pretty horrid thing to find but it seems an extraordinary flaw to have an automatic entry generated from such a website - surely they wouldn’t say Sex hook up they would just say something generic like meeting. Even single people would prefer that surely? It all seems very weird to me... I would have thought you’d just delete the entry but I don’t have a legitimate reason for that being on his phone either.

HastySlander Sat 12-Sep-20 19:12:20

Do the entries in the calendar have a striped bar next to them? What apple calendars can do is find emails that mention a day/time and make a tentative entry for them in your calendar. So if I make a restaurant reservation and get a confirmation email, often there will be an entry for it in my calendar that I haven’t put there. Only reason I say this is because it seems ridiculous that someone would actually put this kind of thing in the calendar as ‘sex hook up’ and the language you’ve said the emails contain sounds quite spammy...

As a pp said, it could be spam from looking at porn type sites or his email could’ve been phished from a legit website

Catslover Sat 12-Sep-20 19:17:55

Has he definitely deleted the calendar app or has it maybe just disappeared into the cloud due to lack of space on the phone? I have so many photos etc on my phone and no space so all my apps seems to head into the cloud if infrequently used (iPhone 7). A sign that they have gone into the cloud would be a little cloud symbol next to them and a downward arrow. So that could make it a little less suspicious if that's what's happened. And in terms of the notifications I wonder if maybe he has just signed up to some sort of porn site which has then that's resulted in those messages as a sort of spam. Maybe even enough to then make him delete the calendar to try stop it. Hope there's not too much in it sad

FATEdestiny Sat 12-Sep-20 19:25:26

This sounds like spam emails putting entries in the calender. I wonder if he's deleted the app because, not being tech savvy, he doesn't know how to stop them?

He will be viewing porn though, to get this spam.

Tempnamelady Sat 12-Sep-20 19:25:34

Loads of space on his phone and it says you followed a link that requires the app ‘Calendar ‘ which is no longer on your phone?

OP’s posts: |
Tempnamelady Sat 12-Sep-20 19:28:49

I don’t think he’s made or kept these appointments rather that he might have signed up to this site .

He’s had issues with porn before which he has put down to OCD and had some sort of counselling for it ( all very secretive would never talk about it , it was on my works health plan). I’m not thrilled about that either but this would be a deal breaker for me.

OP’s posts: |
Midnightsky1 Sat 12-Sep-20 19:29:45

So is he arranging the hook ups then going out on a ‘bike ride?’

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously Sat 12-Sep-20 19:31:36

Do you have shared finances? Any unusual spending going on?

I think I'd dig for a bit and see what turns up (if I could be patient). The other thing to do is tell him you know what he's been doing and he's got one chance to be honest with you. This is tricky because some people are good liars or go for attack as a form of defence. But you can usually tell from their reaction if they have something to feel guilty about.

Tempnamelady Sat 12-Sep-20 19:33:00

I honestly don’t know? He went to my mum and dads today whilst out but he was out a while don’t know how long because I went to clear my head. I get some of the spam explanation but what’s with this hook up site thing?

OP’s posts: |
Tempnamelady Sat 12-Sep-20 19:35:24

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously no shared finances other than joint account , we both have our own for day to day and I don’t have access to his bank records. But if it were hook ups , presumably cash doesn’t change hands ? I wouldn’t know.

OP’s posts: |
MiddlesexGirl Sat 12-Sep-20 19:42:06

The last thing I would be doing is leaving my phone behind if I was up to something dodgy.

shreddednips Sat 12-Sep-20 19:44:47

Sorry OP, that must have been horrible to find. I'm on the fence, it just seems a bit weird that he would have put 'sex hook up' in his calendar, even if he deleted it after. I just can't imagine using that wording, I suppose it's possible that a site might have it as an automatic entry but it's hardly discreet is it, no one wants that in their diary.

Porn sites do often have adverts for these sites so I suppose it's possible that that's how it got onto his phone?

SoulofanAggron Sat 12-Sep-20 19:44:53

I would say it's a site he's signed up to, or it wouldn't flash up notifications or whatever like that. Did you have chance to screenshot it? If not, you could wait a while for it to have done stuff again, then try and photo it.

Tempnamelady Sat 12-Sep-20 20:04:40

I think now it works is that the sessions go on automatically I didn’t think he’d put it in ! I suspect he doesn’t know that happens but how would it be getting into his calendar if his e mail hadn’t gone in somewhere?

I thought he might be leaving his phone behind in case I can check where he is. And as for screenshots I’ve got them all.

Does anyone know about this banglocals.com website ?

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Sat 12-Sep-20 20:08:23

I would be heading out to the pub to see if he's actually there, first of all.

Sally872 Sat 12-Sep-20 20:09:16

Leaving phone makes me think he isn't hiding anything. Difficult one. If he is otherwise a decent guy then speak to him and if he will struggle to lie or at least be bad at it.

Midnightsky1 Sat 12-Sep-20 20:13:59

Is it possible he has a second phone so wasn’t worried about leaving that one?

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