Dh and I have been married for 10 years and have young dcs. I am a SAHM so have no income.
I don't have access to his bank accounts. Our finances are completely separate. I have no income, except an allowance of £200 from him every two weeks. This is for food, activities, clothes etc for the whole family.
Dh's income is circa £80k p/a, but he has just managed to get a large pay rise, so it will soon be more than that. He pays all bills, including my car insurance etc.
Our youngest is about to start childcare, (again dh will pay for that), so I can hopefully get back to work, but I have no idea how that will go, as I have been out of the workplace since our eldest was born, which was six years ago. My salary pre dcs was circa £20k and that was full time, so obviously significantly less than DH.
Recently, things haven't been going all that great. I've honestly started to feel so resentful. We met at university and he asked me to go with him when we graduated, so he could do a graduate scheme. I did and we moved all over for years, with me picking up jobs where I could, contributing to rent and bills for most of that. These weren't glamorous places or places I especially wanted to live. I missed friends who were all in London and my family who are overseas. I also never did anything with my degree and i had a postgraduate lined up before we moved. Obviously I am kicking myself for not doing it now. My mum died suddenly before we had dcs and then my grandparents, who I was close to, died as well. I am sad that before they died I was traipsing round after DH, not spending time with people who truly loved me. His parents are alright but do not make much effort to see us. They have one child and set of grandchildren who they spend a lot of time with. His siblings are vile and have never liked me much. He never stood up for me through years of them being absolute dicks to me. He gets nervous about confrontation and closes down. So, to avoid him having to do that OR me having to tolerate their crap, I now just don't go to family occasions, unless it would be extremely rude not to; ie weddings and funerals.
We did move closer to London in the end, due to his work, but out in the Home Counties, still quite far from old friends in London itself and certainly not possible to pop in to see them easily. He works in London. I have suggested a million times that we could live nearer his work and therefore nearer friends in London and also nearer more opportunities for me to find work etc, but he says no.
The house we now live in, DH picked more or less on his own. I stupidly went along with it, despite some issues with it. I honestly thought, and DH said, this would just be a starter home before we moved on before dcs started school. Dc1 is at school now and we are still here. We have no friends here. It is the sort of place where people tend to have grown up and stayed here their whole lives, so making friends and breaking into those groups can be very hard.
My best friends, when we do see them are awkward around DH. He is joyless and unpleasant when they are here. A bit histrionic and not in any way affectionate towards me. I used to just accept this was his way, as he was always affectionate to me in private, but now the dcs are older, he is still a miserable sod when it's just us. He is too shouty with the kids, especially the eldest and I'm beginning to really dislike him. He won't let me decorate the house. He disagrees with every suggestion I make about it. I can't remember the last time I properly laughed with him.
BUT, he is generally very responsible. He helps out lot at home, with the kids when he can and with housework when he can.
I used to adore him so, so much, so I do think this is a rough patch. But sometimes the idea of the kids and me moving to our own little flat sounds like heaven. I have savings in the region of £30k, but no income and anyway, I'm not throwing in the towel with our marriage yet.
I would love outside perspectives on what to do. If I complain about anything in our life, dh takes the hump and says not to talk about it as it depresses him, so then nothing changes.
Would counselling be an appropriate thing to do in these circumstances?
Most of all I'm just really sad that my life is nothing how I imagined it would be and I really don't want it to pass me by. Maybe this is a problem with just me and not the marriage?
Any advice much appreciated. Excuse ramble^^!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Finances / split up / counselling
RubyTheRockingHorse · 12/09/2020 17:39
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