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Finances / split up / counselling

(64 Posts)
RubyTheRockingHorse Sat 12-Sep-20 17:39:38

Dh and I have been married for 10 years and have young dcs. I am a SAHM so have no income.

I don't have access to his bank accounts. Our finances are completely separate. I have no income, except an allowance of £200 from him every two weeks. This is for food, activities, clothes etc for the whole family.

Dh's income is circa £80k p/a, but he has just managed to get a large pay rise, so it will soon be more than that. He pays all bills, including my car insurance etc.

Our youngest is about to start childcare, (again dh will pay for that), so I can hopefully get back to work, but I have no idea how that will go, as I have been out of the workplace since our eldest was born, which was six years ago. My salary pre dcs was circa £20k and that was full time, so obviously significantly less than DH.

Recently, things haven't been going all that great. I've honestly started to feel so resentful. We met at university and he asked me to go with him when we graduated, so he could do a graduate scheme. I did and we moved all over for years, with me picking up jobs where I could, contributing to rent and bills for most of that. These weren't glamorous places or places I especially wanted to live. I missed friends who were all in London and my family who are overseas. I also never did anything with my degree and i had a postgraduate lined up before we moved. Obviously I am kicking myself for not doing it now. My mum died suddenly before we had dcs and then my grandparents, who I was close to, died as well. I am sad that before they died I was traipsing round after DH, not spending time with people who truly loved me. His parents are alright but do not make much effort to see us. They have one child and set of grandchildren who they spend a lot of time with. His siblings are vile and have never liked me much. He never stood up for me through years of them being absolute dicks to me. He gets nervous about confrontation and closes down. So, to avoid him having to do that OR me having to tolerate their crap, I now just don't go to family occasions, unless it would be extremely rude not to; ie weddings and funerals.

We did move closer to London in the end, due to his work, but out in the Home Counties, still quite far from old friends in London itself and certainly not possible to pop in to see them easily. He works in London. I have suggested a million times that we could live nearer his work and therefore nearer friends in London and also nearer more opportunities for me to find work etc, but he says no.

The house we now live in, DH picked more or less on his own. I stupidly went along with it, despite some issues with it. I honestly thought, and DH said, this would just be a starter home before we moved on before dcs started school. Dc1 is at school now and we are still here. We have no friends here. It is the sort of place where people tend to have grown up and stayed here their whole lives, so making friends and breaking into those groups can be very hard.

My best friends, when we do see them are awkward around DH. He is joyless and unpleasant when they are here. A bit histrionic and not in any way affectionate towards me. I used to just accept this was his way, as he was always affectionate to me in private, but now the dcs are older, he is still a miserable sod when it's just us. He is too shouty with the kids, especially the eldest and I'm beginning to really dislike him. He won't let me decorate the house. He disagrees with every suggestion I make about it. I can't remember the last time I properly laughed with him.

BUT, he is generally very responsible. He helps out lot at home, with the kids when he can and with housework when he can.

I used to adore him so, so much, so I do think this is a rough patch. But sometimes the idea of the kids and me moving to our own little flat sounds like heaven. I have savings in the region of £30k, but no income and anyway, I'm not throwing in the towel with our marriage yet.

I would love outside perspectives on what to do. If I complain about anything in our life, dh takes the hump and says not to talk about it as it depresses him, so then nothing changes.

Would counselling be an appropriate thing to do in these circumstances?

Most of all I'm just really sad that my life is nothing how I imagined it would be and I really don't want it to pass me by. Maybe this is a problem with just me and not the marriage?

Any advice much appreciated. Excuse ramble^^!

OP’s posts: |
RubyTheRockingHorse Sat 12-Sep-20 17:55:07

I should also add that I keep gaining weight and being miserable myself now. I swear the joy has just been sucked out of me. I am not interested in sex anymore at all, although dh is. Just feeling totally fed up.

OP’s posts: |
Lalaloveyou2020 Sat 12-Sep-20 18:02:04

£200 every two weeks to feed and clothe a family when he makes £80k plus a year?

RubyTheRockingHorse Sat 12-Sep-20 18:03:49

Lalaloveyou2020

£200 every two weeks to feed and clothe a family when he makes £80k plus a year?

Yes, he says that our other bills eat up his salary... is he spinning me a load of bullshit?

OP’s posts: |
RubyTheRockingHorse Sat 12-Sep-20 18:07:52

And actually, he does go grocery shopping, about once a week, so he probably covers a good proportion of the food budget.

OP’s posts: |
Windmillwhirl Sat 12-Sep-20 18:16:49

I think it is very fishy you are given an allowance and don't know what he earns per week or have access to extra finances.

Is your mortgage huge? What else is he paying for that he can only spare £100 for you and the children a week?

You clearly dont want to leave him, but in your shoes I'd feel resentful. I also think it sounds like your self esteem is low, likely because you are so dependent on him.

Is there any chance of you working yourself to give you some independence?

SleepingStandingUp Sat 12-Sep-20 18:23:45

If he won't entertain a discussion, I doubt he'd go to counseling. But counselling for you sounds a good idea of only you could afford it.

Are you claiming CB op?

I think you need to tell him that is it carries on you aren't sure you're marriage will survive. His response will tell you a lot

RubyTheRockingHorse Sat 12-Sep-20 18:25:18

Yes, youngest dc is starting childcare soon, so I am hoping I can get back to work...but, I will still be dependent on him, won't I? I can't walk into a job which covers bills including childcare even if I did want to leave, which I don't, yet. We are in a reasonably expensive area, (by my standards), as we are sort of near London.

Mortgage is less than £1500 per month. We have bills on top of that obviously.

It is weird isn't it? I know that. He is so jumpy and nervous about it as well. I'd think maybe he's a secret gambling addict, except he really isn't. He's far too careful with money for that.

OP’s posts: |
RubyTheRockingHorse Sat 12-Sep-20 18:27:05

We don't qualify for CB as his salary is too high.

I do think he would respond to some sort of ultimatum better than counselling maybe, as he is very practical. But what? That I need more allowance? That I have to have access to all the money? That we need to move closer to london?

OP’s posts: |
RubyTheRockingHorse Sat 12-Sep-20 18:27:41

It all sounds very...fiscal, but it is impacting the marriage in non fiscal ways too.

OP’s posts: |
nancyjuice7 Sat 12-Sep-20 18:29:34

How do you have saving of 30k if your on 400pm?

RubyTheRockingHorse Sat 12-Sep-20 18:30:52

nancyjuice7

How do you have saving of 30k if your on 400pm?

It was an inheritance.

OP’s posts: |
nancyjuice7 Sat 12-Sep-20 18:32:40

Get back into the job market, earn your money and keep every penny.

If he complains, say you need a complete overhaul of your finances and want to split things and have access to his salary.

ring fence your savings and I wouldn't be letting your DH have access to that account.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 12-Sep-20 18:35:01

RubyTheRockingHorse

We don't qualify for CB as his salary is too high.

I do think he would respond to some sort of ultimatum better than counselling maybe, as he is very practical. But what? That I need more allowance? That I have to have access to all the money? That we need to move closer to london?

But if you aren't claiming it (even tho he'd have to pay out back) surely you aren't getting your NI contributions for your pension? Had he got a decent pension scheme for you that he's paying into?

As to what you say you need, only you know this.
Is it a good area with good schools? Would you still want to move? Would you need to move to a much smaller house if you were in London?

What does your allowance enable you to do? By rights all money is family money and you should be able to spend freely from his bank account but if you think he'll just close down and refuse I suppose the other option is an increase. Does he go out socialising and can you afford to do the same? Is he buying his clothes on Harrods and you're all in Asda George?

Bit I do think unless you line in a HUGE house or you have massive debt, the idea that 80k which is somewhere near 4k a month?? is all sorry on bills is ridiculous. Even if you're mortgage was 1k, 4 weekly shops were £400, you're getting £400, power and water and insurance £200, that's only 2k. Car insurance, house insurance, life insurance a few hundred more, where is the rest going? Savings? The horses?

EnoughAlready2020 Sat 12-Sep-20 18:35:09

You need to start getting more independent- have a life away from him so you can get some space and see whether you do want to stay with him or not. Regardless, you shouldn't stay with him because you have to. Start building up a social life and get a job. You have no idea how those two things will make such a difference.

RubyTheRockingHorse Sat 12-Sep-20 18:35:15

I already gave him half of it 🤦‍♀️. I've asked for it back, as his savings are more than mine. He will give it back. He isn't totally evil.

OP’s posts: |
beautifulxdisasters Sat 12-Sep-20 18:35:25

"He is too shouty with the kids, especially the eldest and I'm beginning to really dislike him. He won't let me decorate the house. He disagrees with every suggestion I make about it. I can't remember the last time I properly laughed with him."

This would be enough for me to leave tbh let alone the financial situation.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 12-Sep-20 18:36:19

And make sure he's up for covering all the childcare whilst you get sorted and then your only paying a proportionate amount

granadagirl Sat 12-Sep-20 18:37:59

That’s impossible £100 for food,clothes,activities

Is your mortgage huge? House big?

So he pays
£400 to you
2 cars ?
Gas/electric
Council tax
Water
Petrol 2 cars??

Can you not find any bank statements?

I think you are scared of him

Sit him down and tell him, it’s impossible to live on that amount of money. You feel like a poor person.
You want to start to learn about the finances (just in case something happens to him)
and you want him to show you

If he say NO, then you say you are financially abusing me and that’s not right.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 12-Sep-20 18:38:33

He is too shouty with the kids, especially the eldest and I'm beginning to really dislike him. Is forgot this bit. You also need to make it clear that you won't stay if he continues to be verbally aggressive with the children.

So he look after them at all?

Jackiebrambles Sat 12-Sep-20 18:40:34

I feel for you. Sounds like you need something for you. Do you ever travel into London to see your friends on your own?

Lemming20 Sat 12-Sep-20 18:40:54

£200pcm? My mouth fell open reading that. I am of the view that if you share dc, all money should be in the family pot. If you are looking after his children at the detriment of your career, his money is your money. If he doesn’t like that he shouldn’t have married you or had dc with you.

Get a job, get a free half hour with a family lawyer and get your ducks in a row in case you do decide you can’t go on in this relationship. Lots of luck to you whatever you decide x

Ps if my DH shouted at my kids and made my friends uncomfortable I’d be absolutely furious.

RubyTheRockingHorse Sat 12-Sep-20 18:43:07

I mean social life is tricky, due to where we live. But that alone wouldn't be a good reason to move and I think working might help with that. Hopefully.

Schools here are great. I don't think we can leave the area, but maybe will move house one day. Maybe slightly nearer the station with better links to london. It isn't that far, but it's hard to get to if you don't live walking distance (no parking and no buses). Moving near that would be possible and maybe a compromise.

Pension, no, but there is a reason for that, which is a bit outing. Nothing dodgy but a valid reason. He could put into a savings account for me though.

He buys himself clothes once in a blue moon. I definitely would tend to spend more on that sort of thing than he would. He's quite careful with money and not at all spendy, except on food. I am guessing he puts his money into savings then. He also puts into Junior ISAs for the kids. I think it's around £200 per month.

OP’s posts: |
SleepingStandingUp Sat 12-Sep-20 18:44:52

But it's crazy you don't know this op. I mean I draw or the kids CB when I remember and shove it in their money box. Bit if I was seeing up a savings account for them, is tell him because they're OUR kids

granadagirl Sat 12-Sep-20 18:45:04

What age bracket are you in op?
As he got a company pension or private one he’s paying into?

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