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Do I leave him? is this relationship going no where or should I try this new way of seeing each other a shot? I need to decide – desperately need your help. To give you background. My ex-partner for 1

(17 Posts)
beaz71 Sat 12-Sep-20 13:11:17

To give you background. My ex-partner for 18 years left me and our 14-year-old son 18 months ago to live in Vietnam with his new girlfriend. We have not seen him since, (but he is constantly texting me with remorse). When he left, I had no job and have a big house to maintain together with pets. I managed to get a job within a month (well paid) and also started getting my self-esteem back in November. It was tough but I got there.
In January (8 months later) I met a guy we texted 100s of times a day and we could not stop seeing each other, my son really likes him too. To me it was love at first sight. We could not stop communicating and we both said I love you quite early in the relationship.
In March he left me briefly. He had been living with me a few days a week and was missing his kids he wanted his old life back and tried to get back with his ex (separated 5 years). She said no and then I don’t know how but we ended up together again.
He has 2 kids – girl 10 and boy 13 and they live with their mum 1 hours drive down the road, He also changed job to live next to me (literally 3 minutes down the road).
For the start of the lockdown he moved back into his family home to be with the kids but by May he had moved in all his stuff (including furnisher) and we set up house together with my son. It was amazing and we spoke about the future. He set up a home office in the shed, I met his parents, we went out – it was great.
I met his kids twice and it went well (they came to my house) the 3rd time did not go well. Now his ex does not want him staying there every other weekend (when he looks after the kids) – she does move out to be with her BF but wants her own space now. He asked the kids for a sleep over here, but they do not want to come again so my BF wants to get a flat closer to the kids and move out of my home.
I must admit – the lockdown has hit me hard as I work long hours (from home), my ex is not paying into the mortgage and both my parents are seriously ill. I have taken things out on him. I now feel I am partly to blame for him wanting to move out and his kids not liking me.
So, in a nutshell, he wants to move out to be closer to the kids. See me as and when plus every other weekend. I did send some harsh text messages but he has basically told me that I probably love him more than he loves me and he loves his kids more.
I thought and still feel we have something here but not too sure what to do or whether I am being a big fool. I really need advice.
Do I try this new regime of seeing him once every 2 weekend and once a week and let him lead his own independent life or just leave the relationship as it is going in the wrong direction?
I do love the guy – but if it’s a relationship destined to fail, I had might as well end it now. In the same breath I do want it to work and think we have something.

OP’s posts: |
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sat 12-Sep-20 13:29:06

He sounds like a loser and a shagger and I'd dump him without a second thought.

What nice place did he take you to on your last date together?

Dollyrocket Sat 12-Sep-20 13:33:08

There are so many issues here.. confused

First of all, I’m sorry to read about how your husband abandoned you and you son in such a dreadful way. That’s truly awful and must have been very shocking.

However, it sounds very concerning that just 8 months later you and new man are essentially love-bombing each other, moving in together and trying to introduce your children all so very quickly and I imagine this will be especially confusing to your son, who after 14 years has simply lost his father.

Have you or your son has any counselling regarding your ex’s abandonment? What was the relationship like before he left? Don’t you feel you owe it to yourself and your son to take a step back here?

Also with regards to this new guy, it’s obvious to anyone reading this, it’s a rebound situation, he’s already left you once to try and get back with his ex... He is also clearly not ready for a new relationship and it sounds like he’s just woken up to that fact and is (sensibly) pitting his children first.

The whole situation sounds like a rebound clusterfuck confused and the kids are the ones being screwed up.

ChaChaCha2012 Sat 12-Sep-20 13:33:15

You sound terribly intense, I can't blame him for needing some space and, most importantly, putting his kids first. Where is your son in all of this?

RubyTheRockingHorse Sat 12-Sep-20 13:38:00

It sounds like both of you are on the rebound from previous long term relationships with kids involved as well.

I can see why he wants to just date and not attempt to blend families.

I don't know what I'd do in your circumstances tbh. Maybe date him, but my gut says you could maybe do with a break from unreliable men. It will ruin your self esteem if he keeps giving you the run around. And it sounds as if your self esteem was hard won in the first place after what your ex did to you.

Could you not just have some time being single and enjoying life with your son, work etc?

rorosemary Sat 12-Sep-20 13:40:06

This relationship is clearly a no-go. He actually already told you that he is not that into you as you are into him. Forget him.

Please don't introduce lovers to your son in the first year and wait a longer time before moving them in. You don't want to be like my SIL who moves in a new daddy figure each year. It fucks up their childhood and ruins your relationship with your child. Make sure it's stable first, and then give your son time to decide if he wants this person to live with him.

Livandme Sat 12-Sep-20 14:11:46

You owe your son far more than this bloke.
Kick him to the kerb and be a mum to your son first and foremost

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 12-Sep-20 14:49:09

Better to be on your own rather than to be so badly accompanied like you have been to date.

Reassess your whole approach to relationships. Love your own self for a change and put your own self and your son first in your lives now. Not this man and certainly not your ex who has and continues to treat you and in turn his son abysmally (and why has he not been blocked if he keeps on sending you supposedly remorseful messages?).

Ullupullu Sat 12-Sep-20 14:54:50

I know it's an old trope but... won't somebody think of the children?! He shouldn't be moving in with you so soon into the relationship, for your son's sake. You shouldn't have met each other's kids after just a few weeks/months together. It's madness and the to ing and fro ing is unsettling and distracting for them. Cool things and live apart.

SoulofanAggron Sat 12-Sep-20 15:08:04

he has basically told me that I probably love him more than he loves me and he loves his kids more.

With this and the trying to get back with his ex early on, he is not giving you the treatment and respect you deserve. You'd feel a lot better if you asserted your worth to yourself; that you deserve better treatment- and dumped him.

beaz71 Sat 12-Sep-20 15:09:06

Thanks to all of you for your comments – some were hard to digest but I have taken them on board I have answered in one thread to make it easier.
I must admit my son did not take place in this thread and maybe should have as he is the most important thing in my life. We have an amazing relationship – nearly 16 now and I could not be prouder of him.
We did both have counselling – he had 2 lots of sessions (it’s the first thing I organised even before the ex-left). He is the most important thing in my life.
He met my BF many times before he moved in. They laughed a lot and got on well. I also asked my son over several weeks (when BF suggested moving in) whether he would be happy for him to move in and he actually said yes each time. Their relationship is good, he gets taken to golf, they watch films together and he cooks for him, my son actually laughs with him. I talk at length with my son every day, we understand each other and are vey close. I have noticed a change him in too – a positive one.
The lock down did change things – he would not have moved in had it not been for that. We did all 3 of us have a great time.
As for the rebound maybe. I didn’t love my ex any more though but perhaps was missing intimacy. My BF was separated with his ex for 5 years before me, he also had a another relationship of 19 months in between that time (they broke up because she wanted them to live together) he didn’t want to move away from the kids.
He was deeply upset about all of this and is trying. He has just told me N bowling with the kids is happening next weekend and a meal afterwards. His kids are on board and are looking forward to it my son is too. They will not stay here though but at their mums. I am even more confused now. It does also feel that the BF is trying to make an effort and wants this to work.
I do deep down know that my son is fine with all of this but his kids are not keen on staying here over night – that’s it – maybe I am being naive. Its too early for his younger kids who do not know me really to stay here every other weekend. I feel that this has been thrown on us because his ex wants her space now. If we had had a few months we could have gradually got them used to it – it could have worked.
I don’t know, I still want to give this a try – maybe I am being stupid. Help!!!

OP’s posts: |
SuzieCarmichael Sat 12-Sep-20 15:11:25

Far far far too soon. Take some time for yourself to get over your previous relationship and next time move much more slowly.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 12-Sep-20 15:15:32

Please go back to therapy. Your decision making skills are very, very poor. You are not thinking rationally.

Aerial2020 Sat 12-Sep-20 16:01:17

Woah. I got lost reading that. Imagine how the kids are.
Please focus on you and your needs, not a man.
If he's the right guy, he'll wait.
This is far too much.
Breathe and look after yourself and your son first. Always. Always before any man.

LemonTT Sat 12-Sep-20 16:02:19

I don’t know why you aren’t actively dealing with the formal end of your marriage. Getting a divorce and sorting out a financial settlement. Creating stability for you and your son.

He’s in the same situation. But does at least have some dissonance about getting his life sorted out.

beaz71 Sat 12-Sep-20 16:39:05

Hi at LeomTT

My ex and I were never married. He does pay half the mortgage but lost his job a long time ago. We do communicate via text and I am pushing my ex to write to his son.

My BF is in the same situation i.e. is paying mortgage (but also maintenance for the kids which I do not get).

My son does his GCSEs next year so I am trying to stay here until then, saving as much as I can as I half own it and then will have to live in a small place for us and pets (my BF does pay rent).

OP’s posts: |
LemonTT Sat 12-Sep-20 19:32:46

Forget about the BF’s problems with his ex. Whether you are married or not you still need to deal with the co ownership of the house. There is no reason for you to have a financial connection with your ex for any longer than you need to.

It’s the lack of ending that will be a barrier to your future with the BF or anyone else.

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