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Abusive relationship breakdown - how much did you share with others

(8 Posts)
StartingAgainat31 Sat 12-Sep-20 11:43:20

I ended my abusive marriage just over 2 months ago. He was verbally, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. He has now already moved on with someone else, which has rather pathetically broken me a second time round.

I've shared some of this with my family and very close friends. I have shared the physical abuse with just one person, outside my family. I cant bear to speak the names he called me to my parents.

But people make assumptions. When I tell them about how difficult he has been they will say things like 'gosh he is such a good guy' or 'breakups really make people act up' or 'at least at heart he is a good guy'. And I want to scream at them. No this guy has systematically destroyed me. He has taken me apart bit by bit and has now skipped off into the sunset. He has pinned me to a door by my neck, and blamed me for getting upset with him. He has called me the foulest things and is now blaming me. He has made me feel like a crazy person, and smiles and plays the victim to everyone around him.

How much should I say to people. Because I'm fed up of covering up for this foul bloke.
He is a bully. He is abusive. He is controlling. He is a narcissist. He has destroyed me.

OP’s posts: |
WiserOlder Sat 12-Sep-20 11:59:02

Looking back, too much. But it was a coping mechanism atm.

I don't think I would have had the ability to hold back, I was so traumatised at the time.

I moved away so I didn't need to correct people's view of his as a good person because they didn't know him from Adam, but I still vented so much.

He has not destroyed you

Two months is nothing.
Seriously, less than nothing. YOu have been through a very traumatic, sou-destorying and draining experience and you will recover, but two months is nothing.

You're at the start of that process. Have you looked at Inner Integration (Meredith Miller) on youtube, or Lisa Romano on Youtube. They both have a lot of clips which are a structured path to recovery specifically from narcissistic abuse.

Bunnymumy Sat 12-Sep-20 11:59:20

I would just reply to these people 'actually, no, he reallllllllllly isnt a good guy'. And add a look (sad smile/disgust/'I'm telling you' eyes and head nodd ect). Then change the subject.

You could also add 'I really never want to discuss him again thankyou, he has had quite enough of my time and headspace'.

WiserOlder Sat 12-Sep-20 12:06:21

ps, and let go of any need to be in the loop with mutual acquaintances.

Can I suggest that you block anybody that is a mutual acquaintance of facebook.

Anybody who you consider a friend, if you tell them what you've been through and they say ''ah six of one and half a dozen of the other'' (as one mutual ''friend'' said to me) take a step back from them.

I know it can seem at times like you can't afford to cut out all the people who have betrayed you because they are all letting you down! - but you don't have to announce it. Just take a step back, hide them on on facebook, snooze them for thirty days.

Time has a way of making the truth seem more obvious. So resist the urge to set them straight. But if they have listened to you sit in front of them, if you told them he strangled you and they did not believe you then they aren't fit for the role of close friend.

WiserOlder Sat 12-Sep-20 12:11:01


I would just reply to these people 'actually, no, he reallllllllllly isnt a good guy'. And add a look (sad smile/disgust/'I'm telling you' eyes and head nodd ect). Then change the subject.

You could also add 'I really never want to discuss him again thankyou, he has had quite enough of my time and headspace'.

Or, a tweak on that.

You cannot be seen to appoint yourself the judge of somebody else's character. People WILL bristle at that. But you do have the right to your truth. So if somebody says ''he's a great guy!'' you have every right to say ''not to me he was not''.

Or he wouldn't hurt a fly!

''he hurt me''.

Or he's easygoing and good fun

''not to me he was not''.

You see what I mean? If you are speaking about it, don't be seen to make an assessment of his character overall, but hold on to your truth.

You do not need others to believe you.

This is not up before a judge. Randomers and bystanders and mutuals are not the jury and you don't need them to believe you.

You believe you.

wine flowers

It gets easier. It gets clearer.

And the truth becomes clearer. But by the time the truth is clearer, you will have detached from giving any f%k#$

EarthSight Sat 12-Sep-20 12:16:08

You could just say, 'Woukd you think someone was a good guy if they pinned you to a door by your neck'?

Sometimes, people don't want to believe. They don't want to think that they could get someone so wrong so they cling on to the idea that someone was good deep down, or worse, that their victim was someone how at fault. They don't want to believe that there was a monster in their midst and they didn't to manage to spot him.

I think you should tell your parents everything, but be prepared for the response that I've outlined above. Other that, you need to let go of the need to be recognised as a victim. Some people are simply too dim, or too unwilling to see people's dark side and they might react badly if you make them do that. I hope he's not in your friendship circle. The only thing toy can do is warn people. They will have to find out the hard way what kind if person he really is.

WiserOlder Sat 12-Sep-20 12:21:37

I wouldn't enter in to a dialogue.

Making it a dialogue makes it seems like there's a debate to be had.

Hold on to your own truth. ''not to me he was not''.

Honestly, please learn from somebody who did it all wrong to start with.

I behaved like i was on trial for the first 18 months.

I saw it as me having to prove i had the right to leave him and why I had to leave him, ie, prove to others that he was abusive.

It only dawned on me later that even if he had been an absolutely lovely guy, I could still have left him.

In time, you can work on moving out of the victim mindset but right now protect yourself. And roll it around in your head, you are differentiated from these randomers and bystanders and mutuals. You do not need them to understand or believe that he was abusive.

You know he was. You took the course of action you took based on what you knew was happening to you.

Don't warn people. If he gets in to a relationship, don't warn anybody. You'll be asked why you care, branded crazy, dramatic, unhinged, mentally ill.................. if he gets in to another relationship that's not your problem.

You focus on yourself and your recovery.

WiserOlder Sat 12-Sep-20 12:24:59

PS, the Victim mindset/orphan archetype whatever you call it, they are not all bad. They have their benefits. At a point when you're really vulnerable, they can protect you from danger. I understood this to be a vital part of the healing process when I read Carole S Pearson 'the 12 archetypes within'. I took no risks when I was in victim mindset. I did not put myself in any danger. I stayed in my comfort zone. I saved some money. I processed what happened and put some distance between me and what had happened to me.

Later, I did move out of the victim mindset. I began to move out of my comfort zone and I began to take some measured risks.

But this is not something that should be rushed through. Let yourself feel like an ''orphan'' for a while.

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