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Is this breaking 'girl code?'

(84 Posts)
ratsrule Fri 11-Sep-20 20:16:45

Namechanged just in case.

This is actually nothing much to do with me but was interested to know others' opinions. One of my best friends (friend A) is really pissed off with one of our other friends (friend B - who is closer to me but we've all hung out together many times over the years). The reason being that friend B recently went on a date with A's ex, who she was in a relationship with for over a decade.

Friend A is 'fuming,' acknowledges that they weren't super close but that they were friends nonetheless and that B offered support after the breakup. Friend B doesn't know that A is aware of this date, I don't know how she came to be aware and it hasn't been mentioned to me yet by B but I see her often so am expecting it to.

Would you be upset in friend A's position? I'm not sure what to really say to either of them.

OP’s posts: |
thefourgp Fri 11-Sep-20 20:19:56

I would be upset. I think it’s okay in general to date a friend’s ex if it wasn’t a serious relationship but 10 years is committed. If I were friend A, I would never speak to friend B again.

spacepoppers Fri 11-Sep-20 20:20:27

Stay out of it. These things never end well! As a 20 something this would definitely have crossed a line for me, but as a 40 something I'm not sure I could be arsed to give this much of my attention, live and let live and all that.

powershowerforanhour Fri 11-Sep-20 20:20:29

When did A and the ex split up? I don't think friend's exes should be off limits but I do reckon a respectable gap should be left.

Onlyonewayout Fri 11-Sep-20 20:21:18

This is a really tricky one. I’ve often thought that unless you’re not over someone or the break up was bad then why does it matter. But I can under why your friend would be upset.

Yankathebear Fri 11-Sep-20 20:21:26

Friend A has every right to be upset.

powershowerforanhour Fri 11-Sep-20 20:22:02

But spacepoppers has the best advice- stay out of it and tell them that you are not going to discuss it.

DisgruntledPelican Fri 11-Sep-20 20:23:14

Yeah, the length/seriousness of the relationship is at play here for sure. I’d be upset with friend B if I were friend A.

Hiccupiscal Fri 11-Sep-20 20:27:03

I found out through a 3rd party that my close friend slept with my ex, after we had split.
I know i wasn't with him, but like your friend, I had confided in, and cried to my friend over the split.
Just to find out, some time after my friend had slept with him anyway.
I tried to move on, but I couldn't. I am NC with that friend now, I could never forgive her for it.

Might have accepted it/lessend the blow had she been honest herself, instead of me then feeling stupid after trusting her.

....same ex also slept with some other lesser 'friends' of mine. Found it easier to face these people as they werent 'close" to me. It did, however, change my opinion of all these women as I have a strict code of wont go where a friend has been ........unless the person in question were really something special, and i approached the friend first to gauge thier feelings.

Plenty of men in the world without going for your friend man, even if it is an ex.

My advice is stay way out of it. I also found out some friends knew about his sleeping around with my friends. That also hurt, as nobody had the decency to actually tell me.

(I actually found out through someone who told me just to hurt me, not out of my best interests)

ratsrule Fri 11-Sep-20 20:27:29

Not getting involved is definitely good advice, A has already spoken to me about it, clearly very upset and I know it would upset me too but otoh, I am really close to B so not willing to slate her tbh.

They split up maybe 3ish years ago and it wasn't an amicable breakup.

OP’s posts: |
dudsville Fri 11-Sep-20 20:27:29

It's broaching an awkward boundary. When a friend starts dating someone new they like to talk about the person to their friends, maybe check out, discuss their quirks, etc,. In my opinion this couldn't happen in this scenario. The ex partner would be in the position of knowing him better/longer and the new girlfriend would have to find ways in which she really knows him better, which will be a false position for a while. As for the friend who is neither the current or ex partner - minefield. You will not get this right for both of them equally.

KitKat1985 Fri 11-Sep-20 20:28:31

Yeah I think I'd be upset. If B ended up in serious relationship with A's ex you can guarantee he'll be bitching about talking about A etc. It would just be awful. I think it's definitely against 'girl code'.

Hiccupiscal Fri 11-Sep-20 20:29:11

apologies my post isn't very well written out, I was very distracted whilst typing!

GrandTheftWalrus Fri 11-Sep-20 20:29:32

I split with my husband of 13 years and about 6 weeks later his new girlfriend was one of my friends. We weren't even divorced yet and I was still in the house waiting on my new place!

Sarafive Fri 11-Sep-20 20:30:42

Ten years is a very long time. There are lots of other men. I think A is entitled to feel weird about it. But if B doesn't care about losing potential friendship or making it awkward, that's her perogative. Does the guy know they're friends?

ratsrule Fri 11-Sep-20 20:35:16

@Sarafive he does indeed, he knows friend B through friend A.

OP’s posts: |
SmileyClare Fri 11-Sep-20 20:35:59

It's too close to home. As already pointed out, it makes an awkward divide in your friendship group. Couple meet ups are off the cards for one.

However, I don't think you should take sides or intervene in this. No point getting egg all over your face. I'd just make some non committal noises and try to change the subject.
But yes how awkward.
Chicks before dick and all that.

MostTacticalNameChange Fri 11-Sep-20 20:39:11

Been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour and was attacked for being upset/angry due to the technicality that we weren't together anymore.

I just don't think 'technicalities' apply in personal relationships.

Think...would this hurt someone I give a passing shit about? If it would, don't do it.

I had an acquaintance who made it her mission to steal her friends' boyfriends or at least do their exes. She turned out to be a lesbian, she just did it as a way to boost her own confidence and feel superior. Very unhealthy behaviour.

troublingtimes Fri 11-Sep-20 20:39:29

It’s a step too far because if it wasn’t for your friend A they would never have met. They’ve built their relationship based on both knowing A and I guarantee that’s how they got talking. My friend did this to me. It’s hurtful. Find another man.

SoulofanAggron Fri 11-Sep-20 20:40:35

I think it would depend on how A felt about the particular ex. If he dumped her and she was gutted for ages then B should've steered clear.

I don't know if B asking A beforehand would even've helped, as A might've felt she had to say it was ok even if she didn't like it.

Imissmoominmama Fri 11-Sep-20 20:41:03

Friend B shouldn’t really have gone there.

Didiusfalco Fri 11-Sep-20 20:41:30

If he only knows B through A that’s even worse. B needs to have a word with herself. There are other men, she should pick one of them.

ratsrule Fri 11-Sep-20 20:41:37

@troublingtimes 100% it's how they would have gotten talking, A is the only thing they have in common.

OP’s posts: |
Welshgal85 Fri 11-Sep-20 20:42:33

I do think it’s breaking the girl code if I’m honest. I would never date a friends ex from a serious relationship. Also think it’s interesting that friend B hasn’t told you about it which seems to suggest she knows that perhaps she shouldn’t have done this.

It’s very awkward that you’re stuck in the middle too, must be hard for you.

ratsrule Fri 11-Sep-20 20:42:39

Well, the only 'link,' I should say.

OP’s posts: |

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