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Do I double barrell daughters surname?

(55 Posts)
FirstTimeMum1991 Fri 11-Sep-20 16:43:50

Hi all, you have all been a huge source of support to me over 2020. My husband had a devastating affair throughout my pregnancy, I thought I would do whatever it took to make it work but he carried it on and I have now found the strength to walk away. My daughter will be 7 weeks old next week and I am registering her birth. I will be putting him on the birth certificate but I need some advice whether to double barrell her surname or just give her mine. He says now he wants to be in her life (after meeting her once in 7 weeks he already thinks he’s dad of the year) and I will support that but my gut feeling is as the weeks go on he will make less and less effort, if it’s possible to make less effort that is.

I want her to have the link to him and his family but also want to protect her for her future. What do you all suggest?

Xx

OP’s posts: |
Itsrainingnotmen Fri 11-Sep-20 16:45:00

Do you understand the meaning of him on the bc?

dementedpixie Fri 11-Sep-20 16:45:52

Did you not change your name when you got married? I'd just use your name tbh

EhUp Fri 11-Sep-20 16:46:18

I would give your daughter your own surname only

BluebellsGreenbells Fri 11-Sep-20 16:47:45

Give her any name you want.

I’d leave him off the birth certificate - if he wants parental rights he needs to prove he’s up for the job.

MsTSwift Fri 11-Sep-20 16:49:29

They are married so parental responsibility assumed? Was last time I checked though caveat not done family law for years

QuantamBaby Fri 11-Sep-20 16:51:46

Just use your surname.

Tavannach Fri 11-Sep-20 16:54:55

He's her husband - she can't leave him off the birth certificate.
If you're planning on using your maiden name from now on I'd give his name as a second middle name, and your surname as her surname. If you double barrel it gets messy if you re-marry and/or have more children. You'll want them to have a similar name to their sister.

Feminist10101 Fri 11-Sep-20 16:57:10

dementedpixie

Did you not change your name when you got married? I'd just use your name tbh

Lots of women don’t. It’s a hideous and outdated tradition.

RedRumTheHorse Fri 11-Sep-20 16:57:46

MsTSwift

They are married so parental responsibility assumed? Was last time I checked though caveat not done family law for years

It's on the government website www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/who-has-parental-responsibility

Other posters are ignoring the difference between married and unmarried mothers.

Feminist10101 Fri 11-Sep-20 16:58:26

If you're planning on using your maiden name from now on I'd give his name as a second middle name, and your surname as her surname.

Quite an assumption there. I’ve been married the best part of 20 years and don’t have a “maiden name”. I just have my name. The one I’ve had over 40 years.

FirstTimeMum1991 Fri 11-Sep-20 16:59:17

Yes that’s correct, we were married when she was born so we have exactly the same parental responsibility which is crazy I know.
Even if I was to re marry I would not change my surname again after all of this.

OP’s posts: |
hypochondriaceveywhere Fri 11-Sep-20 17:00:27

I'd revert back to your maiden name and give your little one that.

S0upertrooper Fri 11-Sep-20 17:01:20

You could give her his name as a middle name and your name as her family name.

I'm married but kept my own name. Our son has my name as his middle name and his Dad's as his family name. Sometimes our DS double barbells his name but I can't be arsed with double barreled names, if your DD gets married one day, do they both double barrel, double barreled names? 🤷‍♀️ Your ex can still be named on the birth certificate if you choose that, your DD doesn't have to have his name.

Well done walking away from a toxic man and good luck for the future.

RedRumTheHorse Fri 11-Sep-20 17:03:00

OP your husband if the marriage is properly registered automatically has parental responsibility and can in fact register your joint child's birth without you. (One of my brothers' and BILs' did because their wives had C sections and weren't very mobile.)

So you may as well put him on the birth certificate. Also unlike us unmarried mothers, he doesn't have to come with you and vice versa when you register her birth.

In regards to last names there is nothing stopping you giving any name you like to your child, however to avoid conflict now and in the future if you wish her to have your last name then give her a double barelled name.

If you can put your name last and use a space to separate names. So if you are giving your child the name "Poppy", your last name is "Smith" and his is "Jones" then call her "Poppy Jones Smith". His last name then looks like a middle name and will be dropped in everyday life.

FirstTimeMum1991 Fri 11-Sep-20 17:06:13

Thank you for your comment, that’s really helpful.

I will be registering her alone, with COVID restrictions only one of you can go anyway. Without him there can I still put down whatever surname I choose?

OP’s posts: |
dementedpixie Fri 11-Sep-20 17:07:08

Yes you can choose what you want

Tavannach Fri 11-Sep-20 17:07:42

@Feminist10101

I would not change my surname again after all of this.

So not that much of an assumption.

Almost 90% of women change their surname on marriage - not a route I would take myself but that's how it is.

PicsInRed Fri 11-Sep-20 17:08:48

As you're married, hurry up and register her with your surname, before he does it with his!

And, yes, you'll be doing most (or all) of the work, so she has your surname.

hypochondriaceveywhere Fri 11-Sep-20 17:14:18

Are you keeping your married name or reverting back to your maiden name?

Feminist10101 Fri 11-Sep-20 17:17:50

Tavannach

*@Feminist10101*

I would not change my surname again after all of this.

So not that much of an assumption.

Almost 90% of women change their surname on marriage - not a route I would take myself but that's how it is.

Where is that statistic from? How depressing!

Feminist10101 Fri 11-Sep-20 17:18:51

In regards to last names there is nothing stopping you giving any name you like to your child, however to avoid conflict now and in the future if you wish her to have your last name then give her a double barelled name.

Or just give your name OP and let him prove how much he cares by taking you to court.

FirstTimeMum1991 Fri 11-Sep-20 17:25:15

He has actually just emailed me confirming he is happy for me to register her with my surname.....don’t know if he is stupid or is doing this so he can deny any involvement or effort with her in the future but I suppose that’s my answer then!

OP’s posts: |
FirstTimeMum1991 Fri 11-Sep-20 17:25:35

Reverting back to my maiden name

OP’s posts: |
BluebellsGreenbells Fri 11-Sep-20 17:26:28

You can give her any surname you like. It doesn’t have to be linked to either of you.

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