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A future together without living together...how?

(13 Posts)
ALifeBackwards Fri 11-Sep-20 13:25:14

Do you think it's possible to keep a future with this man? How would you do it?

Just want to put some thoughts down, and I would appreciate some advice.

I've been with my partner for just over 2 years. I have my DCs (teens) every other week. I have my house which I bought outright as somewhere to 'land' post divorce. I created a home for my kids. It's stable and they enjoy being here, on the whole. I was happy at first, but now feel dissatisfaction with it. It's filled its purpose. It's far from where I would like to be, it's a bit small, and it's not in the 'style' I might like. I am fortunate enough to own it outright, so no mortgage worries, which is significant for me.

He has his places to live. We stay in one of those every other week when I don't have the DCs. He is mortgaged but could sell 1 place to provide a half to mine, and get a small mortgage on his half. Collectively, we could have a bigger house nearer the place we both want to be. My DCs are not so keen on living with him, but they will be away soon, which is a big point for me. The second thing is that he is quite chaotic - works away, sporadically (semi retired) and is living in any one of his places at any one time. This makes it hard to plan stuff. We can't create a sense of 'domestics' very well in any of his homes, so we tend to eat out and use the place as a base.

We started tentatively researching living together. It seems silly, all this travelling to and from places. Our relationship is good. We rub along well. We discuss stuff. There is good intimacy. He earns more than I do, and pays for all our meals out - v generous.

Last night, in my house he said again, "Just putting it out there, we could be doing this in a house we both want to be in".

We get on so well. He treats me well and is a 'good bloke' but something holds me back from committing to this plan. I'm not 100% happy with how he resolved a recent issue. It feels like the issue was discussed and analysed, and it's now behind us, but the way in which he resolved it was 'his' way. Even though minor, it feels a bit like he put his feelings above mine, with little overt compromise.

This 'small' thing makes me feel like saying 'I would have lived with you before, but now I'm not so sure'. I don't want to say this without causing arguments. How do I say it? Am I right to hold back?

And looking at the bigger picture - can a relationship survive if you continue to live in different places, like this?

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ALifeBackwards Fri 11-Sep-20 14:43:54

Can anyone offer advice, please?

OP’s posts: |
FizzyGreenWater Fri 11-Sep-20 14:50:31

What was the thing?

A ‘thing‘ of his that you would have liked him to consider you more with?

Or a joint ‘thing’ where you felt he overruled you?

zafferana Fri 11-Sep-20 14:56:13

I think you have to talk about OP, whatever this 'thing' is. If you felt he overruled you, say that. If you think he's unable to compromise and that makes you worry about making a big commitment to him, say it out loud and let him explain himself. But I will say this - trust your gut. If 'something' is making you hold back, examine that yourself, put it into words at least in your own head. Make sure you can enunciate exactly what it is that makes you pause when he's asking you to commit. Has he had a big relationship fail himself? Do you know why that was?

ALifeBackwards Fri 11-Sep-20 14:57:31

FizzyGreenWater

What was the thing?

A ‘thing‘ of his that you would have liked him to consider you more with?

Or a joint ‘thing’ where you felt he overruled you?

It's a thing of his, that I would have liked him to consider my feelings about more. He said he has considered my feelings - and will continue to do so - but the outcome was not the one I wanted, it was the one he wants.

It's not something major.

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Hazelnutlatteplease Fri 11-Sep-20 15:01:38

How big the thing was and how he resolved it is really relevant to anyone giving you a valuable opinion

ALifeBackwards Fri 11-Sep-20 15:01:51

zafferana

I think you have to talk about OP, whatever this 'thing' is. If you felt he overruled you, say that. If you think he's unable to compromise and that makes you worry about making a big commitment to him, say it out loud and let him explain himself. But I will say this - trust your gut. If 'something' is making you hold back, examine that yourself, put it into words at least in your own head. Make sure you can enunciate exactly what it is that makes you pause when he's asking you to commit. Has he had a big relationship fail himself? Do you know why that was?

Thank you, Zafferana
I'm confused because it was a relatively minor thing, and the feeling was 'we will have to agree to disagree'.

Yes, I must trust my gut. My gut says - go forwards but at risk of peril. He's about 85% a safe bet.

Yes, I pause on the commitment front. So far have just gone silent when he talks about living together, or I've changed the subject. He whips out his phone to look at Rightmove every so often. I engage with the searches, but I don't think there will be fruition.

Yes, he has had a couple of big relationships fail for various reasons (too young, difficult partner [I know her], wanted different things [baby etc], wrong time of life)... Everything is right on paper, but the reality is chaotic for now.

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ALifeBackwards Fri 11-Sep-20 15:03:29

Hazelnutlatteplease

How big the thing was and how he resolved it is really relevant to anyone giving you a valuable opinion

Good point, Hazelnutlatte I think many people would consider it a minor thing, but you're right...

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MissSmiley Fri 11-Sep-20 15:07:40

I think the more important thing is that your teens aren't keen to live with him, wait until they leave home and then you'll know him better and you can decide if you want to commit, it isn't really an option now, your teens come first

SistemaAddict Fri 11-Sep-20 15:07:46

Your dc aren't keen on living with him. That would give me pause. Even if they are off to uni soon or whatever then surely your home is still their home to come back to? Their secure base as it were. They aren't happy he'd be there. Your gut is telling you something that's making you hold back even if you can't articulate it. You've said things are chaotic. He wants things his way. I'd be cutting my losses on the dc alone.

AlternativePerspective Fri 11-Sep-20 15:09:13

You’re being deliberately evasive I suspect because if you mention what it was you know people will disagree with you.

FWIW, if it was his issue, then he is the one who has to resolve it. Thinking that he should have done it your way makes you look incredibly controlling tbh.

A good relationship can survive not living together. I don’t live with my DP and we’ve been together for 7.5 years but haven’t been able to live together for logistical reasons. But you have to be on the same page with things.

Have your kids said why they don’t want to live with him? You’re right they won’t be around forever but equally if you have a good relationship it should last the distance until the DC are no longer living at home.

Children are also having to move in with this man and their feelings should be taken into account while it’s their home too.

ALifeBackwards Fri 11-Sep-20 15:16:31

Thanks MissSmiley and Bercows
Think you are saying the same thing. Yes, I will wait until teens have left home, I think. One is keen, the other not. It doesn't feel like the right timing at the moment. I'm not sure how uni will pan out for them, best to sit tight for now.

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ALifeBackwards Fri 11-Sep-20 15:19:24

AlternativePerspective

You’re being deliberately evasive I suspect because if you mention what it was you know people will disagree with you.

FWIW, if it was his issue, then he is the one who has to resolve it. Thinking that he should have done it your way makes you look incredibly controlling tbh.

A good relationship can survive not living together. I don’t live with my DP and we’ve been together for 7.5 years but haven’t been able to live together for logistical reasons. But you have to be on the same page with things.

Have your kids said why they don’t want to live with him? You’re right they won’t be around forever but equally if you have a good relationship it should last the distance until the DC are no longer living at home.

Children are also having to move in with this man and their feelings should be taken into account while it’s their home too.

Thank you Alternative I'm being evasive because it seems like such a long story, and both an issue and a non-issue. Yes, you're right, maybe asking him to do it my way is making me seem controlling. I'm kind of stuck. So I've let it go, and am putting it behind me/him/us.

I suppose I'm worried if it's a small thing now, but will it be a bigger thing that we can't agree on in the future? OTOH all relationships are a gamble like this, aren't they?

Great to hear that a good relationship could survive this. Yes, we are on the same page for most things.

Absolutely hearing what you say about DCs' feelings whilst it's their home. Totally.

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