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Divorced but in a relationships, with kids? Tell me how you 'live' together

(8 Posts)
ALifeBackwards Fri 11-Sep-20 13:04:38

I've seen on here, people saying "don't live with him until your children have left home". If you're in this sort of relationship, how do you 'live' together in the meantime?

I have my DCs (teens) every other week. When I have them, I deal with their stuff and my DP lives in one of his homes. I tend to go and meet him there when the kids are busy, or we meet up for dinner. He has slowly started coming round for a few hours but I tend to keep him away as one of my DCs doesn't like him much.

In the weeks when my DCs are at their dad's, I go and stay with DP. The exception is if he is working away.

As a consequence, I feel like I'm living out of a case every other week. Does anyone else feel like this? I do have a bit of space in one of his living places, but the majority of my stuff is carted back and forth for that week.

Is this how everyone else lives their life in that post-divorce, pre-kids-leaving period? How do you do it?

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Chasingsquirrels Fri 11-Sep-20 13:22:50

My experiences have been different as my children are with me the majority of the time - 1 full day & night every weekend and 1 after school & night every week with their dad. So my time without them is less.

I started seeing someone when they were primary age, we would stay over when they were with their dad, as it was only a night at a time we just took stuff over. We did leave a few bits that each other's places.
I introduced them gradually, and as the mods were fine with him we progressed to him staying over etc. Then he moved in and we later married.

He died and I'm now seeing someone else, and the kids are mid-age teens. Similar arrangements except I rarely go to his as it cuts down on the time we can see each other. Again gradual introduction to the kids and he now stays over sometimes when they are here. He has got a couple of bits here, but no more than a toothbrush & razor, jumper he's left behind etc.

I think we'd both like to live together, but I don't think it's the right thing for my dc, particularly dc1 - although they both asked me, separately, if DP wanted to move in with us at the start of lockdown.
I'm not anticipating it changing while dc1 is still at home, not sure about dc2.
For me, my life doesn't change as DP comes here.
He has said that he feels a bit like he is working away in the week (living in his own home, but away from me) and coming back (to me) at the weekends.

ALifeBackwards Fri 11-Sep-20 13:30:15

That sounds very balanced, thank you, Chasingsquirrels. Sorry about your first DP.

It sounds like gradual introduction to the kids is wise, with a few things left in houses.

It's great that you have put your children first. I keep saying this as a sort of mantra to myself - the children must come first. I'd rather live out of a case than them feel that their wishes were ignored.

I don't feel quite so alone in living like this. Thank you!

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Chasingsquirrels Fri 11-Sep-20 13:34:10

Are there any specific reasons why one of your dcs doesn't like him?
Mine are pretty easy going, and both of the men I've talked about have been too - which has made it easier. I can imagine it would be much harder when the dcs and the dp don't get on.

ALifeBackwards Fri 11-Sep-20 13:39:42

I've talked with DS a lot about this, and I think he would be like this about any of my partners. He also dislikes his father's partner, but he kind of forces her presence on the DCs a lot more. DP is kind to DS and understands his reluctance to accept the relationship, so we tread carefully around DS. It has got better in the past 6 months or so.

OP’s posts: |
Chasingsquirrels Fri 11-Sep-20 13:43:38

I'd say carry on as you are, try to ensure that your DS understands that although he feels that way your DP is going to be part of your life (albeit not foisted on DS) and when they do meet your expect DS to be civil.
And hope that time improves things.

Iggypoppie Fri 11-Sep-20 13:43:59

Sounds like you're doing your best. Maybe in an ideal world you'd live close by one another as an alternative?

ALifeBackwards Fri 11-Sep-20 13:52:35

Yes, Chasing thank you. I've been working on making sure DS feels loved and cherished, whilst at the same time, making him understand DP is a permanent (I hope!) feature in my life. Time has helped, as I think he has noticed by himself. Yes, we've worked on his being civil to DP - in his defence he's polite, just distant.

Thank you, Iggypoppie it's been hard work. Yes, would be good if we lived closer to each other.

I'd love to hear how other people do this sort of life. It's so different to when I was married...

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