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Dh with gender issues

(139 Posts)
Paraparadiddlestamp Fri 11-Sep-20 12:27:52

What would you do if your dh announced he was confused about his gender and his body and wanted to explore the possibility of living as a woman or non-binary...? No children.

This is not my situation, but a friend I'm supporting. I'm hesitant to give much detail in case they see this and obviously it's a complicated and emotional situation. I'm just wondering how most people would react to this...

OP’s posts: |
intoxicatedbee Fri 11-Sep-20 12:33:51

I would divorce him.

MrsPerfect12 Fri 11-Sep-20 12:35:49

Divorce

Paraparadiddlestamp Fri 11-Sep-20 12:58:08

Thanks both 😊
I agree with you, but have been starting to wonder if I would be in the majority or not.

OP’s posts: |
monsterad Fri 11-Sep-20 13:00:12

I just could not... would have to be a very serious conversation and potential divorce for me too. Glad there's no kids involved

Thingsdogetbetter Fri 11-Sep-20 13:00:20

I could probably live with a non binary spouse, but not another woman as I am not physically attracted to women. Either way I hope would have enough love to be supportive as an ex.

DeaconBoo Fri 11-Sep-20 13:00:21

Op, get on over to this thread for advice
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3668898-trans-widows-escape-committee-3-rise-of-the-trans-widows

flowers

Frenchfancy Fri 11-Sep-20 13:00:22

I would go for therapy rather than directly for the divorce route. I seriously believe that MH issues cause much of the modern gender issues.

Paraparadiddlestamp Fri 11-Sep-20 13:02:18

Thanks DeaconBoo, I'll have a look.

OP’s posts: |
Bunnymumy Fri 11-Sep-20 13:16:55

Tbh if these issues had sprung out of seemingly nowhere, I'd think he was either having a mental health crisis or was just an attention seeking loon. Or he has maybe realised he has a fetish for dressing as a woman.

I think there are people that are genuinely tormented to have been born in the wrong body out there but this guy, probably isn't one of them.

I'd suggest he speak to a professional to get to the bottom of why he was suddenly feeling this way.

SheepandCow Fri 11-Sep-20 13:19:17

I'd ask him what he means by gender? Does he think being a woman is about pink or lipstick or dresses, for example?

ArthurBloom Fri 11-Sep-20 13:24:55

I think the fact that you agree with divorce tells you your answer, there are a lot of people that may think you're being over the top, but for me personally someone changing their gender is just too much, I would be happy to be their friend, but I couldn't have it with my partner, good luck to you!

justanotherneighinparadise Fri 11-Sep-20 13:26:39

I’d wish them well but I wouldn’t want to remain in a relationship with them.

eb2020 Fri 11-Sep-20 13:29:17

I don't think I could do it but I know someone who's husband transitioned in the 90s and they lived together throughout. I don't know if they are still together because I'm not in contact.

VestroPrincipiDivino Fri 11-Sep-20 13:34:09

I would go for therapy rather than directly for the divorce route. I seriously believe that MH issues cause much of the modern gender issues.

This. I wouldn't instantly divorce my husband for mental illness.

If it ends up manifesting in a major change to his personality though, then fine. Not much else you can do then. But that's the case no matter what the underlying cause is. If my husband changes into someone very different, for whatever reason, then divorce is obviously a likely outcome.

Jayaywhynot Fri 11-Sep-20 13:34:22

Yeah I'd divorce him, go "find yourself" on your own time pal

MiniTheMinx Fri 11-Sep-20 13:35:11

Divorce. I would probably still care for their welfare and want to be supportive. I too think it a modern MH malaise, so many people don't seem to be able to accept themselves as they are, or any objective reality that gets in the way of what they wish to be. Whether that's skawking on X-factor thinking they are celine dion, changing their gender or self promoting themselves as models, experts, fashion gurus or having plastic surgery. Its frightening and I wouldn't blame the individual, but I wouldn't want to remain married to them. I like men that look like men, know who they are, behave like men (minus misogyny, or poor ethics) and I'd never feel attracted to a non binary person or a male woman, or a woman with a penis, or a bloke in a dress. im allowed to feel repelled and not fancy that.

MuchTooTired Fri 11-Sep-20 13:44:43

I’d support him as much as I was able to (in line with my personal views!) but it would be divorce for me. I asked him the same question just now, and it was divorce too despite how much he loves me.

Maybe some can make it work, but for both of us and our marriage it’s a no.

Distressedchic Fri 11-Sep-20 13:49:46

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MurielPritchett Fri 11-Sep-20 13:54:33

I'd say that I support his right to live how he wants to live and I'd defend him to anyone who tried to belittle or humiliate him.

BUT I'd also say I didn't want to explore being in a "lesbian" relationship, so the relationship would be over.

Paraparadiddlestamp Fri 11-Sep-20 14:00:29

Thanks all, it's reassuring to confirm that I wouldn't be in a minority for not accepting the goalposts of a marriage being moved so far!

He's always been for the most part a pretty decent and unassuming bloke. However I have to say I've never heard of someone being so totally self-absorbed in real life before, and it's so awful to see this play out ☹️

OP’s posts: |
Girlyracer Fri 11-Sep-20 14:06:48

That's not what she signed up for on the marriage certificate. Dump and divorce. Life's complicated enough without adding that to it.

funnylittlefloozie Fri 11-Sep-20 14:13:42

SheepandCow

I'd ask him what he means by gender? Does he think being a woman is about pink or lipstick or dresses, for example?

This. I'd only ask because im curious - my over-arching advice would be to leave. As a PP put it, find yourself on your own time, pal!

AriettyHomily Fri 11-Sep-20 14:17:22

No, I wouldn't want to be involved in that.

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