Always me initiating sex...should I be worried?

[realist252]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 18 months and see each other twice a week.

I need sex to feel desired and appreciated, and I believe it is an important part of a relationship, but it seems that it is always me initiating or wanting it. When I initiate, he usually goes along with it unless he is super tired, and is a very attentive lover and makes sure I cum first etc. My boyfriend has a busy and stressful job, which I appreciate can reduce sex drive, but since WFH due to covid with the lack of commute I thought things might pick up. Something I have noticed is that on numerous occasions he has apologised after he has cum - I wonder if he is embarrassed about not lasting longer or something? He does also sometimes have to ask me to go slower so that he doesn't cum too quickly. Could his reticence be to do with lack of confidence? (I am not especially sexually experienced so I may have totally got this wrong)

On the last two occasions that we have seen each other, I have deliberately not made any moves and - surprise surprise - neither has he. I am wondering how long to wait it out before addressing this with him.

All other aspects of our relationship are great - he is very caring, tactile and affectionate, prioritises me etc. I am just worried that his behaviour around this means that he doesn't fancy me/enjoy sex with me.

Any thoughts?

[safeordangerous]

I'm sure he does. Maybe as subtly as possible tell him it's ok for him to make advances when he feels in the mood :)

[realist252]

But it feels like he's never in the mood, it's always me. Having grown up with the narrative that men always want sex I find this really hard

[CoffeeCupz]

Hey, I can 100% relate to this been my boyfriend 7 years and he has low sex drive. I like you need sex to feel loved and appreciated he is never interested and rather go on his phone or YouTube! If I don't say I want sex he would happily go over a month! Just never shows much desire even when we have a bath he would just go back on his guitar... We do it about twice a month and I would be happier with more but it's not the be be all end all to me. Try having few glasses wine date night/ film and dress up in lingerie normally finally does the trick ! 😂 Can message me if want too! Quess if it keeps bringing you down it depends how important sex is to you. I wouldnt give up my relationship over it

[Anothernick]

Sounds like he has some hang-ups about sex rather than a low libido. If he generally performs when you initiate this suggests there not much wrong with his ability but desire is inhibited. Apologising is odd, especially if you have been satisfied beforehand. I think you are probably right in suggesting that confidence is the issue here. I think you should try boosting his ego a bit, tell him you think he's a real stud etc etc and you would like him to initiate a bit more often and see what happens.

[Katiefizz]

I actually think this is important, the way you are feeling is really valid. Always being the one to instigate sex, especially as the female in the relationship can lead to resentment and make you lack confidence. (purely because traditionally men are seen as the initiators if sex, not because I believe they should always instigate it).

You need to talk to him about it. It could be he has very little desire to have sex. You need to know this now so you can make a decision about your future together.

Some people might be okay in relationships where regular sex and feeling desired isn't a priority. It doesn't sound like that is the case for you though, and that's important to recognise. You need to find out if you are compatible. It could be his reticence is down to low confidence but you need to talk about it and work on improving it.

Talk about it. Don't be afraid to bring up the subject.

[mummyof2lou]

I feel for you, I could have written this years ago. For me, the issue has never gone away. Some things in life mean you focus less on sex at times (like when you have small children), but the issue is always there in the background waiting. I wish I'd paid more attention to the red flag when we were 18 months in

[Mama2Cubs]

Does he use porn? Wondering if he is having his needs met through that and doesn’t feel like he requires real life sex.

[realist252]

He doesn't use porn. I think he lives his life at a million miles an hour and with a busy and stressful job etc perhaps that dampens his libido? I don't know.

I went to his yesterday all ready to have a conversation about it but he completely surprised me and actually initiated! This is the first time he has done so since the early days of our relationship and I'm really hoping it will continue.

Thank you so much for all your replies and advice

[something2say]

Interesting stereotypes here tho...

1. all men are always interested in sex.
   
2. woman is of lesser value if she is not being fucked and thus proving her sexual viability.
   
   I'd get it if women were saying, 'I like and want more regular sex' rather than 'I need sex to prove I'm attractive and wanted.'

[realist252]

@something2say

Interesting stereotypes here tho...

1) all men are always interested in sex.
2) woman is of lesser value if she is not being fucked and thus proving her sexual viability.

I'd get it if women were saying, 'I like and want more regular sex' rather than 'I need sex to prove I'm attractive and wanted.'

It's less that 'I need sex to prove that I'm attractive and wanted' and more 'I need sex to feel attractive and wanted'