I read Why Does He Do That after hearing about it on here loads and it's shaken up my view of DF's behaviour.
I always thought he behaved badly because he was an alcoholic and had a traumatic childhood but that he loved us in his own way, was just troubled and was a good person underneath it all. This is DM's view. She did leave him when I was 10, doesn't like to talk about him and he died shortly after so I won't ever have answers.
According to the author addiction doesn't cause abusiveness (although the two can co-exist) and abuse is always deliberate.
Do you think this is always the case?
Some background:
-DF wasn't controlling/possessive of DM, he didn't care where she went and hardly took part in family life. He did live off her though, she worked 2 jobs and paid for everything.
-He could be violent when drunk but it didn't seem calculated. They both lashed out during arguments but as he was stronger DM was sometimes injured. One time he threw a brush, it hit a glass door pane, DM got a bad cut on her arm and had to go to A&E. But he didn't intend that to happen.
-When sober he could be really nice. I remember him being loving and caring towards us, playing with me/taking me to the park and saying I was a lovely daughter. But when drunk it was like a switch flipped. He'd shut me in my room and I wasn't allowed to talk to him or make a sound...it was like he hated my presence. Or he'd lie on the sofa and rant to himself, saying crude and nonsensical things (eg that I was a b'tard and he hoped it wasn't his d*ck that made me). It was like he was delirious and I'm not even sure he remembered it the next day.
I've wondered if he meant those things or if it was the alcohol that made him say it?
-He was awful to everyone, not just us. Didn't have friends and got fired from jobs as he didn't seem able to behave in a socially acceptable way.
I suppose I've held on to the "accidentally abusive"/"addiction victim"/ "possibly depressed" belief because it's easier than thinking he did it all deliberately and meant it all.
What would you make of it?
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Was he deliberately abusive?
22 replies
ShineOnYouCrazyDiamond88 · 10/09/2020 20:51
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