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30 years unmarried - breakup

(29 Posts)
leaveitbehind Thu 10-Sep-20 16:51:59

Hi
ive been lurking for a while and hope for some help. I dont know if its just advice i need but support too. I am leaving OH after 30 years. we never married and have 2 grown children (left home) and some BTL properties in both names.

My OH is a textbook narcissist which is has largely contributed to me having severe mental health issues for over 25 years. Due to this my work history has been erratic to say the least with leaving every job within 2 years due to stress/anxiety/depression. Ive spent many years on very high dosage anti depressants so most of my time has been spent at home raising the children and not bringing any income in I have never claimed benefits and dont think Id be entitled to them.

I feel trapped and dont know what to do. I want to leave but on paper I have property but no money or income. He even cleared our joint bank account when I told him I wanted to leave.
I am totally isolated due to control/depression so have no one to talk through this with. Can anyone relate? Any advice.

He is being very difficult about me leaving, basically I am to leave with virtually nothing after 30 years as 'he is the one that brings all the money in'. Which is something I have had drummed into me for years.

OP’s posts: |
MsEllany Thu 10-Sep-20 16:55:14

You need to speak to a solicitor, but unfortunately not being married does mar things slightly. My mum was in almost the exact situation a few years ago - luckily she came out of it with half the equity in our shared family home, but as she’d spent her earning years looking after three kids while my dad worked for £500 a day, she’ll never have quite the same in terms of financial security.

FAQs Thu 10-Sep-20 16:56:48

Are any of the BTLs empty for you to move into whilst you seek advice?

You could try woman’s aid, shelter, citizens advice, free initial solicitor advice.

Do you jointly own the house you live in?

billybagpuss Thu 10-Sep-20 16:57:16

You say 'some' BTL properties, as in more than 2, I would imagine there is some significant equity in those if you've had them a while.

I think you need to sit down and work out the value of the joint assets and then go and see a solicitor. I would imagine you are entitled to more than you currently think.

Also let the bank know that you are in dispute, so if any money should go in there for whatever reason it will require both signatures to access (note my knowledge here may be out of date)

Good luck, you can do this take one step at a time as it probably feels like you can't see the wood for the trees.

leaveitbehind Thu 10-Sep-20 17:01:38

FAQs

Are any of the BTLs empty for you to move into whilst you seek advice?

You could try woman’s aid, shelter, citizens advice, free initial solicitor advice.

Do you jointly own the house you live in?

Im afraid not. They have long term tenants with children.

OP’s posts: |
leaveitbehind Thu 10-Sep-20 17:06:14

billybagpuss

You say 'some' BTL properties, as in more than 2, I would imagine there is some significant equity in those if you've had them a while.

I think you need to sit down and work out the value of the joint assets and then go and see a solicitor. I would imagine you are entitled to more than you currently think.

Also let the bank know that you are in dispute, so if any money should go in there for whatever reason it will require both signatures to access (note my knowledge here may be out of date)

Good luck, you can do this take one step at a time as it probably feels like you can't see the wood for the trees.

we have 3 but they only have 20% equity in them as we have been refinancing to buy the next iyswim. If they were to be sold we're going to lose a large lump sum in CGT im afraid. Yes our current home is in both names but he claims that because he has a good job and brings the money in, i dont contribute so not entitled.

re: bank account, good advice Ill ring in the morning.
thankyou

OP’s posts: |
leaveitbehind Thu 10-Sep-20 17:07:57

MsEllany

You need to speak to a solicitor, but unfortunately not being married does mar things slightly. My mum was in almost the exact situation a few years ago - luckily she came out of it with half the equity in our shared family home, but as she’d spent her earning years looking after three kids while my dad worked for £500 a day, she’ll never have quite the same in terms of financial security.

Thankyou. Its good to hear someone coming out with something.

Id be happy with a little flat of my own, Im not bothered about money, just want a little to show for all my years.

OP’s posts: |
fourquenelles Thu 10-Sep-20 18:00:39

leaveitbehind you have fallen into the trap of believing everything your soon to be ex says. He is not your friend any more if he ever was and is not the oracle when it comes to what happens when you split.

Please get some official advice from a solicitor/Womans Aid/Citizens' Advice.

Do not believe or accept a word your knob jockey says. He does not have your interests at heart

Fluffycloudland77 Thu 10-Sep-20 18:40:57

If it’s in both names I don’t see how your not entitled, dhs house with ex was in both names but not married and he got half.

ThePhoenixAndTheAshes Thu 10-Sep-20 19:00:46

If the family home is in both your names you'd be entitled to half. The big issue would be income until everything could be sorted. Are the BTL a source of income or is the rent all going towards the mortgages? If benefits are the same basis as they are in my country I'd expect the BTL equity would mean you couldn't get benefits because your assets would be too high. I

I think the first step would be to get a job and save as much as you could in your own account and then move out and rent. Unless you have family/friends you can stay with in which case I'd either move out now or as soon as you got a job, then save.

As for what you're legally entitled too. Work out the equity in the family home plus the BTL in joint names and then either your DP has to buy you out of them all (50% of the equity in all jointly owned properties) or they'll all including the shared home have to be sold and the equity split 50/50. It doesn't matter what he thinks you deserve, he's wrong about that. But his opinion isnt what matters anyway. It's what you're legally entitled to that matters and if you're joint tenants that's half of all jointly owned properties. You can go to court to force sale of the properties if he refuses to pay you out or sell. Also if the rent from the BTL more than covers the mortgage payments you are just as entitled as he is to have that extra rent paid to you.

ThePhoenixAndTheAshes Thu 10-Sep-20 19:04:06

Also re joint account is anything else due to come in soon? If there's income due in I'd be tempted to wait, open a new account for you and transfer the money out as soon as it hits the joint account. Otherwise it being 2 to sign would mean you equally couldn't remove funds without his say so. It limits you both. Though not sure if it would be an option to make it 2 to sign if you have Internet banking and card access already.

MsEllany Thu 10-Sep-20 19:24:20

@leaveitbehind apologies, I didn’t mean to scare you - there is no such thing as ‘common law wife’ in England (don’t know about other areas) so you could be in a precarious position if you’re not named on the deeds of your property.

@ThePhoenixAndTheAshes any account can be made two to sign and on the say so of one party.

billybagpuss Fri 11-Sep-20 07:30:23

ThePhoenixAndTheAshes

Also re joint account is anything else due to come in soon? If there's income due in I'd be tempted to wait, open a new account for you and transfer the money out as soon as it hits the joint account. Otherwise it being 2 to sign would mean you equally couldn't remove funds without his say so. It limits you both. Though not sure if it would be an option to make it 2 to sign if you have Internet banking and card access already.

Yes, this is why my knowledge is outdated as I left before internet banking, but it would give OP more protection if it does require 2 signatures as if he has money due, he will be expecting it, she won’t.

I guess these days they’d block the account and insist on joint agreement but I don’t know for sure anymore.

leaveitbehind Sat 12-Sep-20 09:37:51

Thanks all. As I said Im isolated and have no one to talk to about this. My family think he's great and that I have it wonderful because I dont work. They cant see that its because he is so controlling and drove me round the bend.

Anyway, re the banking. We have one joint account which he has already emptied and has other accounts in his name which have a few thousand in. So im just going to let it go. It would cause too big an argument to mention it.

The btl money comes into an account that I alone have access to (im the one who sets up all the financial stuff, bills, mortgages, etc) theres a few hundred above the mortgage payments but not enough to live independantly on so Im not giving him access to that either.

I called a solicitors and am awaiting their return call. Due to covid theyre all working from home and apparently VERY busy atm. So I have to stay put for the forseeable future which is pretty daunting in itself.

Thanks all for taking time to give advice, I really appreciate it. Its a pretty dark and cold place here at the moment x

OP’s posts: |
jessstan2 Sat 12-Sep-20 09:41:52

You have BTL properties in both names so that is in your favour. What about where you live now, is it yours or rented?

It sounds as though you need to get a job, it is possible to retrain. Perhaps you could live in one of the BTL properties.

He's mean if he doesn't want you to have anything after all those years and having his children.

In your place I'd keep quiet about for a while until more money goes into the joint account, then withdraw it.

Do go and see a solicitor and good luck.

leaveitbehind Sat 12-Sep-20 10:03:21

jessstan2

You have BTL properties in both names so that is in your favour. What about where you live now, is it yours or rented?

It sounds as though you need to get a job, it is possible to retrain. Perhaps you could live in one of the BTL properties.

He's mean if he doesn't want you to have anything after all those years and having his children.

In your place I'd keep quiet about for a while until more money goes into the joint account, then withdraw it.

Do go and see a solicitor and good luck.

The house we have now is in both names too. The btls have long term family tenants in so theyre a no go im afraid.

Fairness was never his strong point smile

Yes, I need to find a way back to work. I need to find some advice on that too without references, etc.

Thankyou x

OP’s posts: |
Sakurami Sat 12-Sep-20 10:09:55

Definitely get legal advice and don't listen to anything he says. How much was in the account that he emptied?

leaveitbehind Sat 12-Sep-20 10:16:10

Sakurami

Definitely get legal advice and don't listen to anything he says. How much was in the account that he emptied?

I'm waiting for sols to call me back. It was 8 thousand

OP’s posts: |
katieak Sat 12-Sep-20 10:45:33

He shouldn't have emptied a joint account. You'll be entitled to claim your half share back from him. You're entitled to half the equity in each property you jointly own and can force a sale if he won't either give you the money or agree a sale. You won't be entitled to any maintenance from him so looking for a job or a way to become independent is a good idea.

Get a solicitor and get them to send him a stern letter setting out what you're entitled to and a reasonable timescale for compliance. If he doesn't you might have to go to court which is expensive but if things are as you've said with ownership then you'll succeed and he'll end up having to pay your costs. Ignore what he says about him paying for more so he should get more. If it wasn't agreed in advance or documented then its tough on him.

It's scary leaving but if you can find the strength to do it you will be ok in the end. It might be tough on the way but you will get there. Good luck!

RandomMess Sat 12-Sep-20 10:55:10

Please speak to woman's aid too thanks

leaveitbehind Sat 12-Sep-20 14:18:13

Thanks Katie. Great sensible advice.

OP’s posts: |
Lozzerbmc Sat 12-Sep-20 14:29:54

Sorry you are going through this but it makes me livid when men say they brought in the money. You looked after his children so he could do that job and earn that money. Would he have been able to if he was working within school hours after doing drop off & pick up. I dont think so! Get a good solicitor and good luck.

Oliversmumsarmy Sat 12-Sep-20 14:42:09

If your name and his is on a property then you own 50% of that property whether it be a btl place or a family home regardless of who brings what into the family

I would expect 50% from the equity on your main home and either 50% of the equity of the btl properties or 50% of the profit each month.

E.g. if the family home minus the mortgage would raise £80,000

And the equity in each btl property was £20,000 x 3 = £60,000
Then you should walk away with £70,000 less any fees

So if you sold the family home you would take £70,000 in exchange for you signing over the 3 btl properties.

Take no notice about who brought the most money into the household.

Once the money is spent on joint property then it automatically becomes half the other persons.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Sat 12-Sep-20 14:45:05

The fact that the BTLs have tenants in is neither here nor there. You don’t need to do the right thing by them if it means leaving you homeless and penniless! If you’re going to lose a lot in CGT if you sell, your ex will most likely choose to buy you out rather than sell anyway, so you don’t need to have that on your conscience - he’s the one with the income, he can decide whether to make those families homeless or not. For you, getting out unscathed so that you can set up on your own has to be the priority, not other people’s housing situation. It sounds harsh, but they will find somewhere else to live. Without that money, you may not.

willowmelangell Sun 13-Sep-20 00:26:50

His opinion, his feelings, his wishes on the subject of earnings or finances don't matter.
The law is the law. You do have rights. Every word out of his mouth is hot air.
Lying to you was part of his control.
Can you stay with a grown dc? Have you looked online at your benefits entitlement?

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